A Kiss Before She Goes

Mikey hears his brother leave. He knows that Gerard is going to Frank’s place, and when he ventures down the stairs into the kitchen, that’s just what it says in the note on the table.

Mikey knows what his brother does with Frank, he’s always known. And he’s seen it happen. The more he thinks about it, the more upset he gets. He knows his brother well. He knows his brother’s heart. Mikey has watched his brother attach himself to many people over his lifetime. Many of them were people he never should have gotten attached to. Gerard loves people with all of his heart and all he gets from it is pain. The casual relationship that Gerard has with Frank cannot possibly be what Gerard needs.

At this point Mikey is making a conscious effort to distance himself from Frank. Frank, whom Mikey believes, is seriously causing his brother pain. Because Mikey believes that Gerard has been allowed to attach himself to Frank. Through the friendship, through the sex. And it may seem fine, even to Gerard, but Mikey can’t shake his suspicions that Frank is just using his brother. Throw in the fact that Frank will never leave Jamia and Mikey is convinced that
his brother must be miserable.

Mikey knows that this would never happen if he was with Gerard. Mikey knows that he is the only one who can treat Gerard the way he needs to be treated. The only one who would drop everything to be there for Gerard. Because really, Gerard is everything to Mikey. He has been for a long time.
________

Mikey stands in the kitchen deciding what it is that he wants to eat. He doesn’t like cooking when Gerard isn’t home, just because he doesn’t want to have to face some kind of emergency by himself. Mikey finally decides that the safest thing to eat is most definitely cereal and he quickly gathers all the necessary equipment.

Milk.

Bowl.

Sugar.

Spoon.

Rice Krispies.

Mikey finishes pouring the milk and puts it back in the refrigerator before moving on to the living room. He sits on the couch, the same spot in which Gerard had spent hours before leaving mere minutes ago. The couch is still a bit warm and Gerard’s smell still lingers in the fabric. Mikey’s cereal sits abandoned on the coffee table as he leans into the couch and breathes in the scent of his brother.
_______

There is a small crack in the plaster next to the ceiling fan above Frank and Jamia’s bed. Gerard fixates on this little imperfection. Imagines that he can see it lengthen and grow. Run across the flat surface seconds before the whole room collapses in.

Gerard tries instead to focus on the sound of the shower. The water hitting the tiled ground in uneven intervals as Frank rinses shampoo from his hair.

The truth is, this room makes Gerard uncomfortable.

Very uncomfortable.

Frank and Jamia’s bedroom.

Not to mention the fact that he is currently lying in Frank and Jamia’s bed.

The shower stops abruptly, as showers often do, and Frank’s humming echoes lightly in the bathroom. Gerard chooses not to recognize the tune he hums.

Gerard is choosing to ignore a lot of things. For example, Gerard is ignoring the fact that Frank is naked, technically in the same room, and most likely covered in bunches of little shimmery water droplets that would be so much fun for Gerard to remove with his tongue. Gerard is ignoring his thought that since Jamia had just called Frank to say she would be home with dinner, Gerard will have to be leaving soon. And Gerard is completely ignoring his thoughts about the awkward meeting he will have with his brother when he returns home.

Mikey.

Yes, Gerard is especially blocking out all thoughts of Mikey.

Gerard can’t help but feel a slight tightening in his stomach muscles as he remembers the events of the day. Never in all his years would he have thought the he could develop these feelings about his own brother.

His baby brother.

Even if they have always been close.

Gerard isn’t even sure what these feelings are. All he knows is that while in the heat of a passionate moment, it wasn’t Frank’s face that he pictured. It wasn’t Frank’s mouth that he had imagined, even while it was Frank’s mouth that he felt on his body.

It was Mikey’s face.

Mikey’s mouth.

And it wasn’t just the one time. Frank and Gerard had had a pretty eventful day. Frank being full of energy, as he usually is, and Gerard doing his best to immerse his brain in sex. Give it time to think of nothing else.

But Gerard had only succeeded in adding different scenarios to this theoretical portfolio of incestuous images.

More thoughts.

More thoughts of Mikey.

Not Frank. Not even Pete, though that had ended long before.

Gerard thinks he could have handled Pete. Or a stranger. Or even that girl with the green hair that he had dated for a week a bit back. Gerard doesn’t remember her name, it had been a drunken week, just that she had a tongue ring and that she had stared at him in a way that make him very nervous. Gerard would have really preferred that staring girl.

But this?

Gerard isn’t sure what to do with this.
_________

The sun is just setting when Gerard pulls his car into the driveway. The sky is trying its hardest to be blue, orange, pink, purple, and green all at once. Gerard sits for a moment on his front steps before lighting up a cigarette and deciding to smoke outside. Mikey sees Gerard sitting on the cement and tells himself that he needs a cigarette as well, even though he has just finished one. Mikey opens the door quietly and steps out into the cool evening air.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

Gerard jumps in surprise and Mikey smirks.

“Stop sneaking around. I told you that. It’s creepy, when did you get creepy?” Gerard does not look at Mikey as he speaks, but he motions for his brother to take a seat next to him on the small staircase. Mikey smiles at the comment and at the gesture, and takes the seat he has been offered next to his brother. The space is small and they sit close together. Mikey runs his hand up and down his own thigh, his fingers making a soft, almost buzzing sound on the denim.

Mikey inadvertently runs his fingers across his brother’s leg with every move his hand makes.

The sharp intake of breath is audible.

Mikey’s eyes instantly lock onto Gerard’s.

“Gee?”

Gerard is quiet.

“Gee…”

“What Mikey?”

Gerard’s hazel eyes are pained, stuck somewhere between fear and shame. Mikey almost
smiles. He recognizes this torment.

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

Mikey narrows his eyes.

“That.”

“What?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

They stop and sit quietly. Mikey’s hands now sit folded in his lap and Gerard sits as close to
the metal railing as possible, which also means that he sits as far from Mikey as he can while still sitting next to him on a four foot long step.
“Gerard.”

“Mikey.”

“How was Frank?”

“Huh? Oh, Frank was… good. He came by the house yesterday. Remember? You talked to
him.”

Mikey makes a light dismissive sound in his throat, looks away from Gerard as he begins to
speak again.

“Was Jamia home?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

“Just asking, Gerard. Don’t get so upset.”

“I’m not upset. It’s just weird. You’re being weird. You haven’t talked to me in weeks and now you’re making small talk about Frank’s fiancé? If you have something to say, just say it.” Gerard is standing up now, his hands clenched into fists at his side.

Mikey’s jaw is clenched just as tightly as his brother’s hands. The words echo in Mikey’s
head. Say it, just say it. Say it, say it. Say it Mikey, just say it.

Mikey closes his eyes.

“I don’t think you should spend so much time with Frank. I don’t think it’s good for you.”

Gerard’s eyes flash. Clouds come rolling in like a rainstorm.

“How would you know what’s good for me? He’s my best friend, he was yours too, or did you forget?”

“Gerard, please. He hurts you.”

“Mikey, you’re hurting me! How can you say he hurts me when you’re sitting there trying to
tell me who to be friends with?”

“I didn’t say anything about being friends with him.”

“Watch it, Mikey. This has nothing to do with you.”

Gerard’s voice is menacing, low. Almost a growl. A voice so unlike his usual calm, sweet sounding tone. He turns away and starts to walk into the house.

“Gerard, its hurting you. It hurts you everyday. Of course this concerns me, you’re my brother, and I love you. Frank is practically married Gee, you can’t keep doing this…”

“Doing what?” Gerard interrupts. He has that face. The one that almost convinces Mikey that his brother is telling the truth. That Gerard really doesn’t know what’s going on. That this has all been some sort of terrible misunderstanding. Gerard perfected that face when he was lying to Mikey about the drugs and alcohol.

Mikey snaps.

“Stop fucking Frank! He’s using you! He will never love you!” Mikey doesn’t hear himself yell, he doesn’t feel himself move. But somehow, Gerard and Mikey are now in the house.
Gerard is pushed against the wall and Mikey has his fist balled in Gerard’s shirt.

Mikey’s face is red and his breathing is ragged. Gerard is scared. He has never seen this side of Mikey before. And they have always been close. His heart beats faster. He is thankful that his brother lets him go at his first sign of real distress.

Mikey is scared too. But for different reasons. He feels the words leave him before he can even think to stop them.

“Gerard wait. Frank isn’t good for you. He can’t love you… like I love you. You shouldn’t be with him, you should be with me.” Mikey hangs his head.

Gerard turns.

“What?”