The Electricity in My Veins

It's blue and grey and blurry, but so very clear, it's hard to miss. It's truth and unchangeable but maybe, just maybe, for a second there,  I let myself fall back into the illusion of starry nights and bright flying shooting stars that just sail across the sky, leaving trails of fairy dust and magic behind,  making you hope and smile, but...

I've always forgotten that shooting stars are really just stars falling out of the sky. The sky casting away it's dead weight. That's all shooting stars are. There's no dreams or wishes to be had there. It's just...death. 

God, I feel like dying right now.  

The distant between our existents in  each others heart is to great. To wide.  It's as large as an uncrossable sea - or - as seemingly bottomless as quicksand. There's no way a glue and popsicle-stick bridge will fix this, not in a week at least. 

And sadly, all I've got,  is a week. 

A week I was prepared to fight my hardest trying to win Luca over. Because when you wanted something you fought for it! And I was a fighter!

I would do anything to change the way Luca thought about me while mom was away. I knew it wouldn't be easy but...

Okay (truth time), so maybe, just a little bit, when the dinner I thought would be totally tense and awkward, the weight of my outburst this morning hanging over our heads all suffocating like, wasn't the least bit weird or awkward, but dare I say it, fun. I'll admit, I got cocky. 

Thought I could do it - make Luca love me - as we joked, and had small talk, and real intimate eye conversations were we looked into each others souls and laid  everything bare (or maybe I was just reading too much into the way our eyes sometime met? ...naw! I was right the first time. It was real deep) I thought maybe it would be easy. 

That's why in the middle of our dinner date - because it was one. I swear - when Luca's phone rang. 

The robotic beep beep  of the noisy device like the end of cinderella's spell at midnight. A to soon an unwanted interruption to my dinner with the prince, much like the clock's hands meeting at the acursed number tweleve was a punch in the gut to cinderella. I, too, was left slightly winded by fate's right hook. 

Because while I  expected Luca to excuse himself to answer his phone. I didn't expect the smile that lit up his face like a desperate guy on Valentine's Day finally getting chocolate from someone else besides his mother or sister when whoever was on the other line answered his soft 'Hello? Luca specking.' 

I also didn't expect him to say my mother's name in pure glee and walk into the hallway for more privacy. 

But perhaps my biggest shock was that I didn't see him again until later that night, way after I had finished my dinner alone in silence, when he knocked on my door to say goodnight, apologizing about leaving and explaining how he had been on the phone with mom longer then expected. 

(They were talking for seven hours straight - not that I counted while sitting outside of their bedroom door on the floor, listening to all the laughs and noises Luca never made when talking to me.)

 Luca the kind and good guy he was promised to make it up to me - saying such words without a hint of doubt that I would use his kindness in my favor. Forcing him to take me on a real date - not that the dinner one didn't count - as a means to make it up to me -  before he left my room with a pat on the head and a happily wished goodnight. 

 I sat there, on a swivel chair that was close to breaking. The  warmth on my head from Luca's pat the only real thing for a while as I got lost in my thoughts. 

The moon could grow a mouth, eat every star staining the night sky, wage war on the sun, eating that too, drowning us all in neverending darkness, and I wouldn't notice.

Couldn't notice. 

The world could motherfucking implode on itself and I wouldn't care

Because...because...

We were too far away. 

The warmth of his hand on my head, that too, will fade away soon.