Rush Of The Past

I stood in silence as he entered the room. I couldn't speak a single word, my mouth had run dry and my mind had run out of things to say. Tears formed in my eyes, but I promised myself that I wouldn't cry. Not again, not today, not because of this damned man that was standing in front of me for the first time in five months. He left me stranded, beaten, and alone for no good reason because I must not have been good enough. We were planning a life together, you know? There's this stupid ring on my finger that doesn't get taken off unless it has to be and it's been there since the night he slipped it on my hand almost a year and a half ago. Was I stupid for not taking it off? Or am I just a wide-eyed dreamer? I wanted him to come back, I wanted him to find me, but now that he was standing right here, I couldn't breath. I couldn't even feel my heart beating in my chest. I had nothing to say to him, but he looked too drunk, bitter, and lonely to leave out in the cold.

"Eleanor," the way he spoke my name was so lovely, even if it was said with a frown. He stopped there and started shaking his head with that damned smile I could never read, yet he sighed and started to sit down on my couch in the living room. He looked up at me… He looked up at me with those big brown eyes that I could never resist, though tonight it looked like he was crying and cold in the New York winter. "Fuck, you look more beautiful than the last time I saw you." He looked at me like he was astonished, like I was some weird creature that he had never seen once in his life. I don't know what's so beautiful about an oversized sweater, ratted hair, and rosy cheeks, but it made him look happy. I could tell because he smiled with his eyes, but then they went back to looking sad.

I started walking into the other room to get away from him for just a second if that's all I could have to get my mind straight, to tell me that this wasn't a sick joke that my mind was playing on me. I stood in the kitchen and made coffee; I don't know how long it took, but it took long enough for me to work up the courage to say something once I went back to the little rocker boy that was now laying on my couch with his feet up over the arm. He looked like he was deep in thought while I handed him his cup of coffee with the right amount of creamer and sugar in it -- at least he noticed that I remembered how he liked it. "What are you doing here, Alex?" My voice was small, full of sadness and quiet enough that I was hoping he didn't hear me.

"I'm here because I miss you," he started to slur and my heart started breaking with each small word from the start. "I didn't mean to do what I did, El. I'm just an asshole and I will be spending the rest of my damn life trying to make it up to you. Do you know how much it took for me to get away from the guys and come here? Do you know how much courage it took? Not only that, but when they figure out I'm here I'll probably get my ass kicked. They're still pissed at me and from the look you're giving me right now, I can tell that you are too. But do you know what gives me hope?" I shook my head at him with a straight face, he wasn't allowed to know my emotions now. "The second you opened the door, I saw that ring on your finger where I left it. That's what gives me hope because we're the two people in the world that are supposed to be together, even if it seems like we're not supposed to be. I'm sorry I'm a dick, Eleanor, and I'm sorry that that's not what you deserve, but I will be everything you need from here on out. I just need to know that you will give me another chance."

He was practically begging and my entire body was about to give out on me with each syllable that flew out of his mouth. It seemed like a speech that he had been practicing over and over and over this entire time that we were apart. "I love you," he whispered when he sat up. He walked over to the love seat where I was and he placed a kiss on my temple. I could smell the booze on his breath and clothes, but it didn't matter when it needed too.

Alexander William Gaskarth was a liar and a cheater, but he was also the love of my life and the man that I would fight to the death for. I loved him with every single atom in me and that was something that brought me to my knees from weakness. He wasn't my first love, but more than anything, I wanted him to be my last. I took a sip of my coffee and then looked at him. Looking at him made me start shaking, made my eyes fill up with tears, and made my speech turn into a stuttering mess, but I had to say something. "I love you too," I started and a smile grew on his face, "but I can't do this right now, Alex." The smile disappeared and I broke down right there next to him, like I told myself I wouldn't and couldn't do.

"Can we at least be friends for now?" He pleaded with his words. "I don't want to not talk to you, that's been too hard. I'm not saying to marry me, El, I'm saying just be friends with me… Nothing else but that." He sounded like he was going to cry, but I wouldn't let him. I started to laugh through the tears and then I nodded my head. What was I getting myself into?