I'm Gay and I'm Leaving

"OUT! LEAVE, NOW!” my dad screamed at the top of his lungs. I wanted to run away as fast as I could, but I also wanted to help.

“Dad, if you want to talk about this, then I understand –” I started, but Dad slammed the door in my face before I could continue.

I couldn’t get away fast enough. By the time it took me to run the small distance to Jack’s house, my legs were screaming as loud as Dad was. I didn’t want to go in. What should I do?

Dad obviously needed to talk about this, if he did have feelings for other men, but what about Mum? I know I probably would’ve killed anyone who would have told my parents I was gay before I was ready, but this is different. It was obvious that Dad didn’t want to tell anybody any time soon.

Should I even tell Jac? He’d know what to do, but again, this time it’s different. It’s different when you’re in your forties. I thought for a while, sitting on Jack’s front garden wall.

Does this mean that Dad’s gay? No, he kicked me out for being gay. Does that then mean he’s just homophobic or struggling with his sexuality? Did he only marry my mum to try and be ‘normal’? Who was that other man, anyway? These questions were all swirling around in my head like the ones I had on my way to Jack’s house, but these wouldn’t disappear easily. They demanded an answer.

Jack came out of his house all too suddenly. He sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head on my shoulder.

“Why are you out here?” he asked quietly.

“Just thinking, s’all,” I answered in the same volume.

“About anything special?”

This was the time to tell him. I can’t think about this on my own, right?

“Jack,” I began. “I think my dad’s gay.”

* * *

After Jack led me inside, poured us both some hot chocolate and followed me upstairs, we sat on our bed with our legs crossed. We sipped our cups for a bit before Jack continued our conversation.

“And you’re sure about this? To me your dad seemed a bit…”

“Homophobic, I know,” I interrupted him. “But when I went over, he was making out with another man. I have the feeling they would’ve gone further if I hadn’t seen them…”

“So you think he’s confused?”

“That’s exactly what I think.”

We sipped our mugs again, still thinking about everything that happened. There were too many options, honestly. Just like when I came out. Surely not. We could narrow it down, because he obviously didn’t want to come out in public.

“We should just let him come to us. Wait, and he’ll talk about this,” said Jack wisely.

* * *

Jack’s plan wasn’t as successful as we’d hoped it would be. At all. We were in the kitchen of his open plan house, something you didn’t see every day in Cardiff. We were talking, drinking hot chocolate yet again. It’s so cold in Wales! The front door opened and Mum came through, and she saw us instantly.

“Guess what, boys!” exclaimed Mum excitedly.

“What?”

“I went on a date yesterday, and he’s called me already!” she showed us her phone as proof.

“That’s great, Mum! Nice to see you moving on like Dad.”

I stopped. Did I really say that out loud? No. No no no no no. Abort. Abort. Mum was looking at me expectedly, with a look of interest but also sadness in her eyes.

“Who was the girl?” asked Mum quietly. I could feel my boyfriend’s gaze on me.

I couldn’t lie about it. That would make everything more complicated, especially in things like this. “Mum, I saw Dad with another man.”

The shock on my mother’s face sickened me, but she had the right to know. The mixed emotions on her face were too much. She was sad, confused, but kind of relieved and so many other things at the same time. Mum stood up straight and headed for the stairs.

“I need to lie down for a bit.”

“Why’d you say that?” asked Jack sharply.

“It slipped out! She has the right to know!”

“I guess you’re right,” he replied, before leaving me too. All by myself.

* * *

It happened so fast. A couple of weeks later, someone knocked on the door, so I answered it. Who was standing at the door, but Dad? It had to be Dad, didn’t it? I nearly slammed the door in his face, but I stopped myself. I wanted to know why he was here. I waited for an explanation.

“Bobs, I am so sorry. I want to apologise for everything. You and your mother were right. There’s nothing wrong with being gay,” he said like he’d practised those words over and over in his head.

“What about that time I went to see you?”

“I honestly don’t know. I was confused, Bobs! I’ve had a suspicion for a long time now, but I hardly thought about it. When you came out I panicked! I thought maybe it was my fault. I’ve looked into it now, but I was scared that I really might be gay.”

I forgived him a little and let him in. He sat in a seat in the living room, and I sat facing him.

“What’s your conclusion then?”

“I’m pretty sure that I am gay, but I’ve only kissed a man once. I didn’t get a chance to go further after that…” Dad’s face reddened as he said this. Just like that, the old Dad was back. I gave him a quick hug before he could object.

“I forgive you, Dad. I understand how you’re feeling, but you needn’t have been that hard on us.”

“I needed space, I think. I know now that it was wrong. I’m so sorry.”

It was my fault to blush now. I began quietly: “Dad, uh, I… I accidentally told Mum…”

“Thank god!” sighed Dad with a smile on his face. “I’m so bad at saying things in the right way, and at least now there’s been time for it to sink in.”

“It’s great having you back, Dad,” I smiled.