Do I Turn Out Alright?

[Sapphire]

Leaving Alex and Matt was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, even when Adam and I had broken up. Matt had a piece of my heart and leaving him was like leaving myself behind. I felt so alone as I drove down the empty interstate, heading towards my destination. What was my destination? California.

I had already called my mother, crying my eyes about having to leave Matt. I didn't give her the details, just that I left. Though we had rarely talked over the last few years since I quite nursing and joined the All Time Low crew, she stated that I was still her daughter and always welcome back.

I had been driving for almost 17 hours straight, only stopping for gas. I haven't even eaten since dinner with Alex the day before. I knew by now Alex and Matt had read my notes and knew I was gone. I truly hoped that Matt forgives Alex and they work it out. I left so they could stay friends.

Numerous times I wanted to stop and turn around, rushing back home. I spent almost the entire time that I drove crying. I almost wrecked twice but I just kept going. Turning back now would just be bad, more bad than things already were. I wanted Matt, I needed him. I needed to know that he was okay.

Finally, when it got to be too much and I was exhausted, I pulled into the parking lot of a Motel 6 and got a room. The air conditioned room gave me chills as I curled up on the bed, loneliness pressing down on me. I finally gave in and pulled my phone out of my bag and turned it on. I had a few missed calls and texts from Alex and some of the other guys but none from Matt. I sighed and dialed his number. It went to voicemail.

"Hey, this is Matt's phone! He doesn't like you, that's why he didn't answer. Leave a message and he probably won't return it. Have a nice day!" My own voice called out to me. I had maid that voicemail for Matt a few months after we had gotten together. He got a new phone but didn't feel like making his voicemail message so I did it for him. I sighed and waited for the beep, signaling I could talk.

"Hey, Matt..." I started. "I'm sorry... Call me back. We really need to talk." With that I hung up. Instead of waiting for him to call me, I just dialed his number once more. No answer. So I called again. Finally, his voice rang out in my ears, bringing fresh tears to my eyes. I missed him so much. I hate myself for leaving him.

"I'm not ready to talk, Sapphire." He told me, his voice hoarse.

"Matty, please..." I begged, trying to contain the sob that was fighting its way out of my chest. I was unsuccessful.

"Why did you do it?" He whispered.

"I don't know! I just... I was stupid. I got scared and Alex was just there, and he liked me and he was my best friend. I am so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that."

"What were you scared of, Sapphire?" He questioned. He gave a sniff, signalling that he too was crying, which made more tears fall down my own cheeks.

"Commitment, love, soul mates." I told him. "I just... after everything with Adam, I was just skeptical when it came to love and soul mates so I didn't know what to do. I want to spend forever with you, Matt, but I was just so afraid that the same thing that happened with Adam will happen with you. We'll wake up one day and won't want to be together. I guess if I just distanced myself from you, broke off that attachment a little, it wouldn't hurt as bad when it happened." I explained. It sounded so ridiculous now that I heard myself saying it. I've been such an idiot.

"That would never happen, Sapphire. I want to spend forever with you, no matter what. I could never just fall out of love with you. You are my everything." He was talking in present tense, that had to be a good sign right? He didn't hate me at least.

"Have you talked to Alex?" I asked him.

"Yes. He showed me the note that you wrote him." He told me. I sighed.

"Please don't be mad at him. I left because I didn't want to come between the two of you. I need you to forgive him."

"I can't do that, Sapphire." He told me, sighing. "He... he slept with the love of my life, my fiancee. How can I forgive him for that?"

"He loves me, Matt. When you love someone... you just... you do stupid things. You two have too great of a friendship for me to ruin it. It's just me. But it's you and Alex. You two work together, don't let me be the ruin of that." I begged him, earning a sigh in return.

"I don't hate him... I just... I'm hurt and I need time to get over it. If I ever will. I won't let this come between the band, I'll still do my job and he'll do his. That won't change." He told me, making me smile softly.

"Good. I already hate myself, I don't need thousands of fan girls after me too." I told him, getting a small laugh in return. Oh it was good to hear his laugh and just his voice.

"Have you talked to Alex?" He asked, making the smile fall from my face.

"No, I haven't. I wasn't even going to call you... I just... I missed you and wanted to hear your voice." I confessed.

"Where are you? Maybe we could... meet up for breakfast or something in the morning." He told me. I sighed and shook my head.

"I'm no where near Baltimore, or even Maryland." I told him. "I'm going home."

"Home? As in California?" He questioned, his voice startled.

"Yes. I called my mom and told her that... that I left.. and she said I can come stay with them for a little bit until things are worked out." I explained.

"Oh. Okay. Well... good luck. The guys will be out in Los Angeles next month to record.. maybe.... maybe I could come and we could meet up for coffee or something?" He suggested tentatively. I smiled.

"I would love to, Matt. Only if you want to though, I understand if you never want to see me again." I told him. I didn't want to push him or anything. I understood if he hated me. I would hate me too, oh wait... I do hate me.

"I want to see you, Sapphire. You are the love of my life, nothing will change that. I'm hurt, yes.... but now I just feel the need to prove to you that I'm not going anywhere ever. This doesn't change that. I know that I should hate you, and I am very angry, but... I love you too much to let you go." His words brought me to tears. "Though.. if you would be happier with someone else... I guess I would have to deal with that."

"No... no.. Matty. I love you. I want you. I care for Alex, yes and maybe if we had met before you and I had or something I would be with him but my life is with you, he'll just have to deal with that." I told him, coming to a conclusion. I wanted Matt. This whole thing put into perspective just how important Matt was to me. He might not be my soul mate, if those even existed, but that didn't mean he wasn't the most perfect man for me. All of this proved that, I mean... he's still willing to be with me and forgive me. That's worth something.

"I love you, Sapphire. I'll see you next month. You sound tired, you should get some sleep." He told me, his voice soft.

"Okay. Remember, talk with Alex, alright? Work things out." I urged.

"I will. Don't worry about things here. Just go home and relax. We'll work everything out next month when we see each other." He said.

"Goodnight, Matty. I love you." I whispered, my cheeks covered in tears.

"Goodnight, angel. I love you so much." With that I hung up and buried my face in my pillow, my chest shaking with sobs.