Do I Turn Out Alright?

[Sapphire]

I couldn't believe what I was doing to Matt. I laid awake, hours after Alex had fallen asleep, and thought about what I was doing. Matt, my fiance. The sweetest man I have ever met. He showed me to a world that was more my own than the one I had been living. He brought me into myself. Then there was Alex who made me feel more alive than I ever had in my 23 years of living. He brought out the fun, daring side of me that I hadn't known existed. He also brought out the sexual deviant in me that had apparently been hiding all my life, even back with Adam and especially with Matt.

I was so sexually attracted to Alex, just being in the same room as him made things low in me pulse. Matt had never had that effect on me. Sure, Matt and I had sex, often, and it was great but I never looked at him and thought "I want him to take me right here and now." while we were in a room with our friends. Hell, even he started the sex between us every night. With Alex though... as soon as he stepped into the room, my cells were on livewire, my want for him grew and grew and I had to physically restrain myself from jumping him right then and there.

Did that mean that I was simply sexually attracted to Alex or was I in love with him like he claimed to be with me? Did my feelings with Alex go no deeper than my libido? I wasn't sure and I didn't know how to really find out because I knew one thing for certain. I couldn't be with Alex while I was still tied to Matt. It wasn't right, to either of them. I was being a selfish bitch, playing with both of them.

I needed time to think all of this through, figure out what I want, who I want. I slid out of Alex's bed, careful to not wake the slumbering man and found my clothes riddled across the floor, quickly tossing them on before finding the rest of my belongings. I then grabbed Alex's notebook that he wrote lyrics in and tore out a page before writing him a quick note, which I laid across the pillow I had just vacated. I then leaned down, tears welling up in my eyes, and pressed a soft kiss to Alex's lips before I rushed from the room, leaving the house quietly.

The drive to Matt and I's house was quick but seemed to drag on forever. Finally, pulling up at our one story home, I found that his car was gone. This made me frown, as it was 2 in the morning. Where could he have gone? I shrugged the thought away and entered the house. Really it was a good thing he was gone, it made this so much easier.

I slid into Matt and I's bedroom and packed a suitcase quickly, only throwing in the things I really needed. I did grab a picture of Matt and I, on our two year anniversary, from the living room and stuffed it in my bag as well. I then found a sheet of paper and wrote Matt his own note, leaving it on his pillow, along with the beautiful diamond ring he had given me on top of it.

Before I could stop myself, I grabbed my things and rushed back to my car. I threw the bags in the back seat and stared up at the house as I sat in the drivers seat, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Good bye, Matty. I love you." I whispered before throwing the car into reverse and backing out of the driveway. I tried to not look back as I drove down the familiar streets. Soon, Baltimore would be just a site in my rear view mirror.

_______

Alex

Waking up, the sun glaring in my face, I instantly knew something was off. The warm presence I had fallen asleep beside was gone, leaving my arms to find nothing but cold sheets. I sat up quickly and looked around my empty bedroom. In the spot beside me, where just hours before, Sapphire had been asleep, was empty. In her space instead was a folded sheet of paper. I grabbed it quickly and read it, my eyebrows frowning in confusion as I read it.

Dear Alex,
I am so sorry that it has come to this. I need you to know that I never meant for this to happen. I care for you, Alex, so much and that is exactly why I have to leave. I need to get out of here before I hurt you or Matt any further. You know that Matt did not deserve any of this.

I am leaving, not just you but Matt as well. This is not an easy decision in the least, I care for you both so much, but I couldn't stand that I have wedged myself between two best friends. It was you and him before there was ever a me and I will not let myself ruin that.

I am so sorry, Alex. I know that as long as I was with Matt, I can never give my heart to you but then at the same time Matt already had my heart and I was simply torn. I was sexually attracted to you in ways I never have been to anyone else. That scared me and made me do things I would never have otherwise done, like sleep with my fiance's best friend.

I'll miss you, Alex.
Maybe one day... I'll see you again.

xoxo
Sapphire

She left? Sapphire was gone? She couldn't... I sprung up from my bed and grabbed the first pair of jeans and shirt I could find. I stuffed the note in my pocket and ran out the door, grabbing my keys on the way.

Maybe if I was fast enough, I could find her and stop her. She couldn't have been gone too long. I reached her and Matt's house, finding that only Matt's car was parked in their large driveway. I was barely out of the car when the front door opened and out walked an angry, and obviously crying, Matt.

"Where's Sapphire?" I asked. Before I knew what was really happening, he rushed at me, slamming me against the side of my car. "Ow. What the fuck?!"

"You! It's all your fucking fault!" He screamed. Oh god... she told him.

"What are you talking about?!" I decided to play dumb, maybe she just said she cheated on him but hadn't mentioned names and he was just jumping to conclusions.

"She told me, Alex. She told me about your fuck fest when we broke up years ago, she told me about the kiss that day at lunch, she told me about you two sleeping together on tour, she told me about yesterday and you begging her to stay with you for the night. She told me how you lied to me to get her to stay with you for the rest of the week. How the fuck could you do this to me?! I thought you were my best friend!" Matt screamed in my face, tears leaking down his cheeks.

"Matt.. I am so sorry. I never wanted this to happen. I was just... so bloody crazy about her. You have to understand that I tried... I tried to stay away from her but... then she started talking about how she doesn't believe in soul mates and... I just believe that she is mine..." I explained, knowing that it wasn't good enough. He had every right to hate me.

"She told you that she doesn't believe in soul mates?" He questioned, his voice softer.

"Yes. She also told me about Adam and how they broke up because they fell out of love so suddenly. It made her a slight skeptic on love. I wanted to prove her that love did exist. I love her, man." I confessed. His eyes widened and he released me, taking a few steps away.

"Did she leave you a note or did she just leave?" He questioned. I sighed and pulled the note out of my pocket, handing it to him. He read it, his eyebrows creased together and more tears leaking from his brown eyes. "She left me one too." He reached into his own pocket and handed me a note, one that was much longer than the one she had left mine, there was also tear stains dotted across the page. I wasn't sure if they were her's or Matt's, could have been a mixture of both as some looked dried up, others fresh.

My dearest Matt,
First off, I need you to know, before I tell you anything, that I love you. You are the greatest man that I have ever had the honor of having in my life. You are so sweet and saved me when I had no one else. It breaks my heart to do this, along with the other things I have already done to you.

I cheated on you, Matt... With Alex.. I am so so sorry. I never meant it to happen but I was so lost and so confused and let my body get ahead of my mind. The first time I slept with him was back two years ago when you and I broke up for a week. You went to Vegas and... I went to Alex. We broke it off days before you came home but the sexual attraction to him remained.

Nothing more happened until about a month ago, on tour. That day he took me shopping because you were unable to. We got to talking and ... he kissed me. Then a few days later... with the Maroon 5 concert, we kissed a few times in the crowd during the concert. Then, the next day when you and I made up, he and I left to go shopping again, we got into an argument. When you left the tour bus to go back inside, he came back and we... we slept together, Matty and I am so sorry, again.

Then.. we got home and you proposed to me. And I need you to know that I said yes without a doubt in my mind that I wanted to spend my life with you... until we saw Alex at dinner. He was devastated. We talked at the restaurant and that was it for two weeks. He ignored me until I made him take me to the water park. We got to talking and he somehow convinced me to spend the night with him. The whole 'going to his parents cabin with Jack and Zack' was a lie, I was really going to stay with him until Friday, being his 'girlfriend' so he could prove to me that he was 'the one.'

I cannot even begin to express how much I hate myself for ever doing anything with Alex. Please, I beg you.. do not be angry with him. I lead him on and basically never fought him, it is just as much my fault, if not more for leading him on, as it is his. Talk this through with him, make up with him, please do not hate him.

I am leaving, whether it be forever or just for a little while, I am unsure. I need to get away to think and find out what it is I truly want. I'm having issues with love and 'soul-mates' right now and I just need to set things straight with how I feel about those things before I tie myself to anyone.

I love you, Matty.

I'll call you as soon as I'm a little more positive on what I want. In the mean time... if you find someone else, some one more deserving of your love.. I will completely understand. You deserve someone who would not sleep with your best friend. You deserve someone who is 10,000% percent sure that they want to be with you forever.

xoxoxo
Sapphire

"She cared for you more." I told him, folding up the note and replacing it in his hand while pocketing the note she had given me.

"I'm not so sure of that." He said, shaking his head.

"I am." I told him but he shook his head again.

"If she cared for me more it wouldn't have been a decision between the two of us..." He told me, giving me a shrug before turning and walking into his house. I heard the lock slide into place, making me sigh.

I just lost two of the most important people in my life... fuck.