Thank You

A week. They’d been married a week. They’ve made it through a wedding, a death and a funeral together, or… mostly together. The funeral was the hardest thing Jessica had had to face thus far in her life but she faced it alone.

And it wasn’t because Austin didn’t try. Trust her. He tried.

They all tried.

She was one of those people who needed space. She needed to figure things out on her own, make sense of them. Nothing made sense about this though. She’d barely slept and couldn’t stomach the thought of eating. She just wanted her mom to walk in her room, scold her for the mess or clutter. She’d have her hands on her hips, her eyes shooting daggers at Jessica. What she wouldn’t give for even that.

Jessica sighed at the thought and grabbed her clothes for her morning run. Austin had gone off with Kennedy and her dad to Lowes. They were going to try to “fix” something, which meant that they would break something that already worked fine and spend the rest of the day trying to fix it again.

She was glad that Austin had something to distract him. He was always there. He was always looking at her, trying to hide his pitying expressions, but he was awful at it. He tried to give her the space she needed, but he was even worse at that.

She stopped in the kitchen for a bottle of water and then started her morning run. This was the one thing that people in her family were good at, literally and figuratively. Running. Running for miles. Running away from things. Just look at Peyton. She left her fiancé at the altar, literally ran away from him. I guess that really said something about her family.

This was the only time of the day that she had to herself. It wasn’t just Austin who was smothering her with attention. It was all of them. Especially her father. He had taken care of her mother for so long that he didn’t know what to do with himself now. He took the time off of work to be with his wife, but she was gone. She wasn’t coming back. She was never going to come back…

She ran two miles before she slowed her stride, looking around the empty “downtown” area. Her town was tiny and the downtown, if you could call this rundown slice of land a downtown, not even worth visiting. That was how she felt about this whole state. It was worthless. It was where she grew up. Where her sister fought so hard to run away from. Where she got into so much trouble that she had to put herself through rehab. This was her town and if she could burn it down with no repercussions, believe her, she would. She took a sip of water and shook her head as she someone walking towards her.

“Not today, James.” She chuckled when he was within hearing distance.

“Aw come on. Don’t do me like that.”

“Like what?” she asked, trying to slow her breathing, her heart rate and to keep hydrated.

“Like you don’t have any love for me anymore,” he joked, finally reaching her and pulling her in for a hug. “Damn girl, you’re all sweaty.”

“Obviously,” she laughed, motioning to her entire body. “You couldn’t tell before you touched me?”

“Nah,” he shook his head, looking her up and down. “You always look good enough to eat.”

She shook her head, studying the man in front of her. She hadn’t seen him since before she went to rehab. She forgot how attractive he was, with his dark brown hair that was cut just the right way to flatter his narrow face and his strong jaw. His light blue eyes were like pools that she wanted to swim in all day long. Or that she used to want to swim in. Not anymore.

This was the guy that started it all. This guy was the reason she had to go to rehab.

This guy was her enabler.

“What brings you to town?” he asked, pulling a cigarette out of the carton he had sticking out of the front pocket of his jean jacket. She watched him light it and inhale, his blue eyes never leaving hers.

Damn it, he was still attractive.

“Family matters,” she shrugged, finally breaking from his gaze and looking down at her shoes. She knew he was watching her and it made her slightly uncomfortable.

“Ah,” he said, exhaling the smoke without caring where it landed, which was right in her face. “Rough times?”

“You have no idea,” she breathed, finally looking back up at him.

“Do you need anything? You know, to help dull everything?”

Ah. Drugs. That was his answer to everything.

“No,” she said a little too fast. He chuckled as he took another drag, turning his head this time as he exhaled.

“You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself.” She shrugged and took a step back.

“I’ve gotta get going. It was… good to see you.”

“Hang on,” he stepped forward, closer to her and she mentally slapped herself for staying. Every fiber of her being was screaming at her to get the hell out of there. “How long are you in town for?”

“I don’t know,” she answered with a sigh. “Hopefully not much longer. I guess I’ll have to talk to my husband about it.”

“Husband?” he asked, perking up with interest.

“Oh,” she bit her lip, wondering why she had even called him that. He was only her husband on paper. “Yeah.”

“Damn,” he smirked, sticking his free hand in his pocket as he took another drag of his cigarette. “Always knew you would get snagged one day. Should’ve acted faster.”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head with a smile. “Trust me James, it would have never worked with us. I’ve really got to go.” She turned around and took a few steps but she felt his grip on her arm, spinning her back around. He grabbed her hand and placed something in it.

“A little wedding present from me to you. You know where to find me. Come see me before you leave,” he smirked, letting go of her and walking back in the direction he came from.

“Wait a second,” she called out. “I don’t want whatever this is,” she said, looking at the bag in her hand. Pills. She looked around to make sure nobody witnessed this exchange before she shoved the bag in her jacket pocket. She would have to dispose of them when she got home.

//\\//\\//\\

“Have a good run?” Austin asked as soon as she walked through the side door. Kennedy barely looked up from his bagel as he read the newspaper and Peyton was nowhere to be seen.

“Sure,” she answered without really sounding convincing. “Where’s dad? Thought you guys were fixing something.”

“We forgot something. He had to run back,” he answered, taking a step forward so that he could reach out and touch her. She stepped out of his reach before he got the chance murmuring something about a shower behind her as she left the kitchen. She could hear his sigh of frustration and she couldn’t help but feel guilty. He was only trying to help. She locked herself in the bathroom and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, fumbling around in her jacket pocket for the “wedding present.”

She opened the bag and positioned it over the toilet, ready to flush the contents and forget about the whole day. But no matter how hard she tried to turn her wrist, it refused. Something in her mind threw up a warning flag but she ignored it. She glanced at herself in the mirror and couldn’t stand what she saw. She was pathetic. She shook her head and flipped the bag over, watching a few of the pills fall and make a tiny splash. She immediately stopped pouring the pills and set the bag down on the counter. Standing up, she looked into the mirror again, grasping at the counter and trying to make sense of the jumbled mass that her brain had transformed into in the past minute or so.

They weren’t that bad for her. They would definitely help to numb the pain that she was feeling right now, make it easier to cope with what she was going through. A few pills wouldn’t hurt. It had been a few weeks since she’d had one. She thought back to the time she and Austin had spent together before they got here. The way he talked to her like she was an actual person, the way he made sure she was okay when something bad happened, those were what had helped her before. He had a way of making things okay.

But no matter how hard he tried, he was only making things worse for her now. He always wanted to touch her, to talk, to make sure she was eating and it drove her crazy. She already had a mother and she didn’t need another one. Before she could second guess herself, she popped a few of the pills into her mouth and swallowed them dry.

No matter how far she thought she had come, she knew one thing was certain. Old habits really did die hard.

//\\//\\//\\

She passed out for the majority of the day, only waking up when Austin came in to check on her. He left her alone after the second check-up, giving her the space she was oh so fond of. He climbed in next to her sometime later, ready to call it a day. That’s when it hit her, the guilt.

She had someone next to her who had wasted the past few weeks of his life for her and here she was, taking pills to numb the pain that he was trying to erase. Her eyes danced around his face, studying his features like she had so many times before. He wasn’t hard on the eyes; that was for sure. He was sensitive, though and that was what she wasn’t used to. She dated guys like James. Guys that were dangerous and treated her like she was dirt. She wasn’t used to someone treating her like she was actually a person. Maybe that was what scared her the most. Maybe it was the fact that she could see herself falling in love with him. She didn’t want that. More than anything, she didn’t want that.

She wasn’t any good for him. She would only bring him down which was the last thing she wanted. She had no problem self-destructing; it was what she was good at. She just didn’t want to take him down with her.

She had to act fast.