Thank You

The house was quiet when he finally reached it; the deafening kind of quiet that swatted at your feelings and made them ten times less bearable. The door had been unlocked when he twisted the handle, probably Peyton’s doing. He shrugged off his jacket, hanging it on the rack by the front door. The walk home had taken him hours and he expelled all of his energy on it. He stopped as he was passing the stairs, knowing that he could easily climb them and slip into her bed unnoticed. With a shake of his head, he kept walking until he reached the couch. He kicked his shoes off and plopped down, adjusting a throw pillow beneath his head until he found comfort. Staring up at the ceiling, he let his thoughts consume him, making it hard for sleep to find him. It was the first night they had spent separated in a few months. With a deep sigh, he forced his eyes shut and waited for that darkness to finally overtake him.

//\\//\\//\\

Fingers running through his hair was probably one of his favorite feelings. That was how Austin was pulled out of unconsciousness. He didn’t want to open his eyes; then she would know that he was awake and retract those magic fingers. It didn’t matter how mad at her he still was, he could literally lay there all day if she kept playing with his hair. He winced as she tugged a piece.

“I know you’re awake,” she muttered, pulling her fingers out of his overgrown hair. He didn’t say anything, just let out a low hum. “Did you sleep well?”

He hummed again, not really answering her question. She fell silent for a while and he eventually opened one of his eyes to make sure she was still there. She was, sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of the couch, bottom lip clenched between her teeth, deep in thought. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days, her make up from yesterday smeared across her face and her eyebrows knit in concentration.

“Hey,” he whispered, sitting up a bit, reaching to touch her hand.

“I’m sorry,“ she muttered, taking a deep breath. He opened his mouth to say something, but she shot him a look to make sure he knew that she wasn’t done. “I don’t even know why I started taking them again.” She took another deep breath and finally looked at him. “I guess I’ve been filled with so much rage and hate that I thought maybe they would make me feel better.”

“Did they?”

“A little,” she replied, honestly. “They make me forget, if only for a little while. But I’ve already been down that road.” He watched her as she fidgeted with her hands and avoided eye contact again. “A few times. I’m going to stop. I have to stop. I can’t go there again.” It was silent again for a few minutes and he didn’t know what he was supposed to say.

“You don’t have to face it alone,” he tried, pushing his unruly hair out of his face. “You never did.”

“I know,” she barely whispered. “and I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be. I just don’t understand why you all of a sudden stopped confiding in me. Ever since we got married, you’ve done nothing but push me away. And I do understand that a lot happened all at once, but I’m your husband. Fake or not, that should count as something. We’ve been close for a while.”

“I know,” she choked out after a few moments of silence. “I’m sorry.” The tears that pooled around her lashes finally spilled, cascading down her cheeks as she reached for him. Her breath was hot on his neck as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled body close to his. It was then that he noticed she was only in an overgrown shirt (his, of course) and a skimpy pair of underwear. He laid back on the couch, and pulled her with him. Placing his hand under her chin, he lifted her head and studied her face. Using the pad of his thumb, he wiped away some of the tears and grinned.

“Jesus, child. Where are your clothes?” She laughed through the tears and he soaked it in, trying to remember every melodious note. He didn’t know whether it would disappear again or if it was back for good. He could never tell with Jess. The laugh subsided and her smile faltered. Her eyes locked on his for what felt like an eternity. She slowly inched her way forward, placing a kiss on one of his cheeks. She slowly moved to kiss the other. Then she kissed his forehead, her hands moving up his chest to rest on his shoulders. She sat up a bit, moving one leg over both of his so that she was straddling his waist as his hands fell to her hips. She kissed the tip of his nose next, moving down to his jaw, where she kissed her way down until she reached his neck. She smiled in between kisses when his head fell back onto the armrest of the couch and his breath blew out in a rush. His hands squeezed her hips lightly and he shook his head.

“Jess, no.”

She sat up at lightening speed and stared down at him, a look of hurt gracing her features.

He looked at her questioningly until he realized how it sounded. “Oh no,” he chuckled, reaching up to brush his thumb across her jaw. “It’s just that I haven’t brushed my teeth and I’m still in yesterday’s clothes an-”

“And I’m trying to get you out of them,” she huffed, obviously annoyed.

“Just let me go-” She cut him off by leaning down and pressing her lips to his. She ran her hands up to rest on the back of his neck, running her fingers through his hair slowly. He instantly forgot about his objections and let himself get lost in it, get lost in her. Before long, her hands had slipped his shirt over head and threw it across the room. Her fingers trailed down his chest and danced their way to undo his belt. His thumbs were starting to dig into her hips and she could tell that he was getting impatient. In one swift motion, he flipped them over. She laughed as he hovered over her, his overgrown hair hanging down and tickling her face.

“Shhh,” he chuckled, placing his finger over her lips.

“Why are you shushing her? You hunting wabbits?” Ted asked, walking past the living room and making his way to the kitchen. “Good morning, sweetheart.”

Austin let his head crash down into the arm of the couch to the left of Jessica’s, expelling all of his breath in one loud “hmph.” She giggled and turned to look at Ted. “Morning, daddy.”

“We’re going to go get breakfast before your sister’s flight. So I suggest you two go put some clothes on,” he said, not even bothering to turn around. Jessica slipped out from under Austin and dragged him off of the couch by his arm. She grabbed his shirt and continued to pull him behind her. His feet were padding heavy on the floor. He was obviously pouting.

“Did you just get busted by Ted?” Peyton asked when they finally reached the top of the stairs.

“Let’s not ever speak of this again,” Austin said as Kennedy started laughing like hyena.

“Newlyweds,” Peyton rolled her eyes.

“Oh, like you have any room to talk. Remember when we were newlyweds?” Kennedy asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Oh gross,” Jessica said, pushing Austin the rest of the way to her room. As soon as the door shut, he practically slammed her against it, pinning her with his arms, one on either side of her, and reattaching their lips with such force that it completely took her off guard. She kissed him back with the same passion for a moment until she pulled away and ducked under his arms, making her way to her suitcase.

He groaned and let his forehead fall against the door with a bang.

“We have to get ready,” she said, trying to hide her smile.

“You’re killing me woman.”

“I’m doing nothing of the sort,” she replied, slipping off the shirt she had borrowed.

He looked over at her and threw his hands in the air. “Oh, come on!”

“Fine,” she sighed. “I’ll go get ready in the bathroom.”

“Thank you,” he groaned, backing away from the door and rummaging through his suitcase.

She closed the door and leaned back against it. Her whole body was itching. She looked at the cabinet but shook her head. She was doing this for Austin. She was doing this for herself. She was doing this for her mom. She kept trying to talk herself out of it, but in the back of her mind, she knew that it wasn’t working..

She threw the new shirt to the side and looked at herself in the mirror. She took the time to wash her face, to brush her teeth again. She did everything to try to keep her mind off of it. Austin was talking to her through the door, and she was focusing on his voice. She could do this.

“I’m going to run downstairs to get something. Need me to bring anything up?”

She wished he wouldn’t’ go. She needed him here, talking to her. She didn’t say anything, just gripped the edge of the counter.

“Guess not,” Austin chuckled. She heard the sound of the door close and that was her cue. She reached under the cabinet for a box. She pulled out the box of tampons. She knew Austin would never look in there, so that’s where she kept everything she was trying to escape. She pulled out the contents and laid them out on the counter, staring at them. She backed up and sat on the edge of the tub, looking at everything, sitting in a row. She only had a minute before he was back.

“Screw it,” she sighed, standing back up and grabbing the spoon and the alcohol. Using the alcohol, she cleaned off the spoon. She reached for the heroin and put it on the spoon, letting out a sigh of contentment, knowing that it would soon be in her bloodstream. It had been years since she had done this, but it was like riding a bike. She would never forget how it’s done. She grabbed the syringe and filled it with water, shooting it onto the spoon. She grabbed the lighter and held it under the spoon, flicking her finger to bring flame to the underside of the metal. She watched it dissolve, just as she had so many times before. She grabbed a cotton ball and dropped it on the spoon. Grabbing the needle, she positioned it over the cotton ball when the door opened and Austin walked in, opening his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. His eyes widened as he took in the scene. She dropped the needle as if it suddenly burned her hand, the spoon falling to the sink.

“Oh my god,” she cried, wrapping her arms around her body.

“Are you fucking kidding me?“ Austin growled, too shocked to move.

“I don’t… I can’t do this,” she whispered.

“You can’t do what?”

“I can’t change who I am,” she said, finally finding her voice. “This is who I am, Austin,” she said, gesturing to the sink. “I’m a junkie and it always comes back to this. When things get tough, this is where I will always go.”

“You never intended to stop, did you?” he asked after a moment. He was trying to collect his thoughts, but they were all swimming around his head and crashing into everything he thought was going to happen now. He thought that they were going to be happy. He thought that just like that, she could fight this. He didn’t know that it had escalated this quickly. Pills. That’s what he thought it was. Just some pills. Not fucking heroin.

“I did,” she said, her words swallowed by the thickness in her throat that meant that the waterworks were not far behind. “I want to.”

“Oh, you want to?” he shouted, his hands flying into the air like they usually did when he was mad. “You’re in your bathroom about to do smack, Jessica.”

She looked at the sink, but all she could see was the wasted drug. She wasn’t supposed to think like that. Her brain wasn’t supposed to be wired that way. She was supposed to be normal. She wasn’t supposed to have addictions that were damn near impossible to fight off.

“What would your mother say?” he asked, leaning against the doorframe, watching her face fall even more. That hit her. Right in the chest, it hit her.

“Stop it,” she spoke up, finding her voice.

“What was all of that this morning? Just a pile of bullshit? ‘Oh Austin, I’m going to stop. I’ve been down that road, blah blah blah.’ What was that? An act?”

“Stop,” she tried again, wrapping her arms even tighter around her body.

“I don’t know what I am supposed to do here, Jessica. I want to help you but I don’t know if I can.”

“Oh that’s great. Just give up on me. Everyone else did.”

“No,” he shook his head. “You gave up on yourself. Everyone else was there for you. Your mom took you to rehab, Jessica. Don’t say that she gave up on you.”

“Get out,” she shouted, unclenching her fist and pounding them into his chest. “Get out, get out, get out.”

“I’m not leaving you,” he shook his head, standing his ground.

“I don’t want you here.”

“That’s too bad.”

“You’re done. You’re off the hook,” she shouted even louder. “My mom’s dead. She’s gone. You fulfilled your end of the bargain. You don’t need to act like my husband anymore. It was a hoax, just like this relationship. It’s all acting.”

“Was it acting this morning?” he asked. He held his breath as he waited for her answer.

“Just get out,” she said softly. She sounded tired. He would have rather she kept shouting at him. At least that way he knew she still had some fight left in her. She looked defeated.

“No,” he shook his head, taking a step towards her. He grabbed her wrists and brought her hands up to his lips. He kissed her knuckles and shook his head again. “We’re going to fight this, together. I’m not giving up on you.”

For a second, he saw something in her eyes, the kindness he had seen there so many times before but it was gone too soon as hate and rage overtook them.

“Get the hell away from me,” she ripped her arms out of his grasp and grabbed some of his clothes that were lying around the room. She threw them in his suitcase.

“What are you doing?”

She didn’t answer, just kept flinging his things into his bag.

“Are you guys ready?” Peyton asked, knocking on the door.

“No,” they both shouted.

“This is what’s going to happen,” she started, her voice low so that Peyton couldn’t hear. “You’re going to get on that plane back to Arizona. Look, I’ve packed for you,” she said, zipping the zipper of the suitcase with such force that she probably broke it.

“And if I don’t?” he asked, eying her, afraid of what she would say.

“I don’t care where you go,” she shrugged. “You just can’t stay here.”

“Jessica, I swear to god I am not leaving you here to fight this alone.”

“Ah, well that really isn’t your decision to make, now is it?”

“Jessica may Clark, you’ve got two minutes to get your ass down here,” Ted called from the bottom of the stairs. She ignored him.

“What is it that people usually say when they break up. ‘It’s not you, it’s me?’”

“Stop,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I know that this isn’t you talking.”

“Funny, it sure does sound like me,” she laughed, too harshly for his liking. It made him cringe. “I’m not going dad. I don’t feel well,” she yelled back.

Peyton popped her head in the door. “The come say goodbye to us. We have to skip breakfast anyway. We have to get to the airport.”

“Wait for me,” Austin said, grabbing the handle on his suitcase. “I’m coming with you guys.”

“What?” Peyton asked, eyeing Jessica. She knew what she was capable of. It was why she didn’t want Austin to get involved with her in the first place.

“I’ll be down in a minute.” Austin sighed, not wanting to explain this to them.

Peyton eyed them both and then backed away from the door, pulling it closed behind her.

“Well,” he said, staring at his suitcase. “I don’t know why-”

“Can you not?” she asked, shaking her head. “I don’t need some speech to make me feel like an asshole.”

“Okay,” he nodded, walking towards her. He pulled her into a hug, which was not reciprocated. “I’m going to miss you, Jessica.”

“No you aren’t.” she shook her head.

“You’re right. I’m not going to miss this Jessica. I’m going to miss the Jessica that I woke up to this morning. And the Jessica that I pal’d around with on tour. I’m going to miss that Jessica. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would miss this one,” he said, motioning to her.

“Just get out,” she said, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door. He heard the click of a lock. That was it. That was the end. She never came down to say goodbye to Peyton. He struggled with whether or not he should tell Ted, but ultimately he chickened out. Was it his fault that this happened? Did he do everything he could?

No. But she wouldn’t let him. He thought about that they whole plane ride back. He knew that he made a mistake by ever leaving her side but it was too late. He couldn’t wait to be home and away from Peyton’s constant questions. He needed to get shitfaced and forget about the pain in the ass that was Jessica Clark. If only it were that easy.