Thank You

Jessica didn’t have much trouble fitting in, though she felt as if Joel was the only one who really didn’t want her there. He argued with Austin when they were all piling themselves into the van. All Austin said was “Do it for Lena,” which made Joel suck it up and fold himself into the driver’s seat.

She didn’t really want to bring much or take up too much room in the van. She wasn’t one of those high maintenance girls anymore. That felt like a whole other life, one that she was glad she left behind. She sat between Austin and Alex, repeating to herself that coming along on this tour was going to help her in the long run. Working for a music magazine may not have been what she wanted most, but it opened doors to a lot of opportunities. So when Joel kept giving her dirty looks in the rearview mirror, she only shrugged them off, taking her headphones out of her bag and plugging them into her IPod. The music she turned on drowned out the sound of the spinning tires, the snoring boys and those previous thoughts that had been running through her mind. She needed a cigarette, but she knew the rules. She had to wait until they stopped. She felt her hands start to shake, but she tucked them close to her body, trying to think of anything else. The Tom Petty that was coursing through the headphones only calmed her down so much. She took a deep breath and made sure everyone was asleep, save for Joel, who had since stopped shooting her dirty looks and focused more on driving. Jessica reached into her bag and grabbed the bottle of pills, tossing a small handful into her mouth and swallowing them dry. Even if they hadn’t kicked in, she instantly felt better, knowing that soon enough, they would numb her down so she wouldn’t have to feel anything. She wouldn’t have to question if this was the right choice, or if leaving Savannah was what was best for her. She wouldn’t have to think about her parents and how confused they were going to be tomorrow when they arrived at her apartment to help her move and she wasn’t there. She would turn herself over to the darkness, and that was all she wanted. An escape. She closed her eyes and waited for it to overtake her.

//\\//\\//\\

When she woke up, she was alone in the van. She had no idea where their next stop was because she never even bothered to ask. She pulled the headphones out of her ears and turned her IPod off. Glancing down to make sure her bag was still there, she sighed in relief when her eyes locked on it. She grabbed it and slid the van door open, the sun greeting her harshly before she had a chance to dig around for her sunglasses.

“Morning, sunshine,” Austin greeted as he reached the van to grab his pack of cigarettes that he had left in there. She groaned and saluted him, throwing her purse over her shoulder and hopping out of the van completely. “You sleep like a dead person.”

“I know,” she laughed with a shake of her head. “I have since I was little.”

“No, I mean, we had to make sure you were still breathing. You were down for the count.” She just shrugged and tucked her hands in the back pockets of her jeans.

“So where are we?” she asked, trying to change the subject.

“We’re in North Carolina.”

“Awesome,” she replied, grabbing her camera from under the seat.

“Wanna go explore?” he asked with a grin, pulling a cigarette out of the carton and placing it between his lips.

“Uh, yeah, I’m game,” she nodded, grabbing her bag. “Just let me change and brush my teeth.”

“You got it,” he nodded and leaned up against the van, kicking his boot and tossing dirt into the air. “Just don’t be a girl and take too long.”

//\\//\\//\\

“So how did you get into photography?” he asked her, holding a branch back as she walked down the dirt path that was beginning to be overtaken by nature.

“I don’t know. It just sort of happened,” she answered, adjusting the settings on her camera. “It’s just the only thing that I’ve ever really been good at.”

“I doubt that,” Austin chuckled, following her down the path. Hiking was not something that interested him, but he figured he could use the exercise to work off the amount of alcohol he had been consuming as of late.

“No, that’s a really true statement,” she laughed, snapping a picture of him. “I just feel like a totally different person when I’m behind this thing, like it’s one thing I can control. I like making the world see what I saw at this moment in time. It fascinates me.”

“That’s a cool way to look at it,” he said, unscrewing the cap to his water bottle and taking a sip. He offered it to her, but she politely declined.

“Tell me about yourself, Austin,” she demanded, sitting down on an oversized rock, patting the area next to her.

“What do you wanna know?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged, kicking a rock with her boot.

“Well. My name is Austin.” He watched as she rolled her eyes and smiled. “I’m from Arizona.”

“Of course you are,” she interrupted.

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing, continue.”

“I don’t know, I like music.”

“Ground breaking stuff there, buddy.”

“Well, what about you?” he offered.

“You already know things about me. Like what I look like naked,” she joked and took a picture of his reaction, his blush making her laugh ring through the open air. He chuckled, grabbing the camera out of her hands and pointing it at her.

“No, please,” she laughed, covering the lens with her hands.

“Oh come on.”

She sighed and dropped her hands, not bothering to smile. She hated having her picture taken. She liked being the one behind the camera, capturing the moment, not the one making it.

“Come on, Jess, smile!” he demanded. She made the most unattractive face she could muster and his loud laugh reached her ears. She heard the click of the shutter and finally dropped the face with a shake of her head, a small smile following after. That was what Austin was prepared for as he snapped one last photo.

“See. You should smile more,” he said, handing her back the camera. “Now, I think it’s time we head back. I have to sound check soon.”

“You go ahead,” she offered. “I’m going to get some more pictures.”

“You sure?”

“Just go,” she laughed, pushing him toward the direction in which they came. He nodded and started walking back towards the venue, leaving her alone. The foliage was in full bloom, something she loved about spring. She walked further into the woods, snapping pictures of things that caught her eye and things she wanted to remember. The weather was perfect and she felt at peace, if only for the moment. Out here she didn’t have to worry about life decisions, sick mothers, or how her life was going to pan out. She pushed all of that to the back of her mind, letting the sound of the shutter and nature sooth her. This was what she wanted to do. She wanted to relax outside, taking pictures of things that exist naturally in the environment. She wanted to travel and see everything she could while she was young. She didn’t want to be around hundreds of people. She just wanted to be alone. She looked over to where she had rested her bag on a rock but quickly looked away. She took a deep breath and tried to take some more pictures before she lost her lighting, but the bag kept taunting her. Her fingers itched to be around that bottle of pills. She shook her head and snapped a few more pictures, but the pills ultimately won out in the end. She let her camera hang around her neck as she bent over and dug through her bag. Her fingers grasped the small bottle and she sat down as she shook the bottle, trying to guess about how many she had left. She twisted the bottle in her fingers a few times, trying to tell herself that she didn’t need them, that she was just a normal person who wasn’t dependent on anything. She threw the bottle back in her bag and slowly ran her hands over her jeans, taking a deep breath. She didn’t need them. They didn’t run her life. She grabbed for her camera again, and snapped a few more pictures, but she felt her skin start to crawl. She couldn’t do it. She could stop taking them tomorrow. She felt that sense of calmness take over again as she swallowed the pills. She recapped the bottle and tossed it back into her bag, throwing it over her shoulder as she decided to head back to the venue. She had to get some more shots to impress Lena with. It was dark once she reached her destination. She threw her bag into the van before she went inside, flashing the security guard her tour laminate that Austin had given her earlier in the day. She walked in right as Austin was finishing his set. She let out a disappointed sigh as he exited the stage. She wasn’t necessarily sad that she missed an opportunity to get some shots, because she had a handful of more opportunities before they reached Seattle. It was because, somehow, she considered them to be friends, and friends didn’t miss their friend’s sets.

She leaned back against the stage, waiting for This Century to come on. Even if Joel hated her, she was sure he wouldn’t mind some good shots being taken. When the lights dimmed, she fixed her settings and started shooting them. They were really good. She had never listened to them before. She missed their set last night to go talk to Austin. She smiled when she felt Austin’s arm snake around her shoulder as he joined her to watch his friends play. She could smell the alcohol radiating from him. They watched a few more songs, when she grabbed his hand and started to lead him away from the stage.

“Where are you taking me?” he laughed as they were greeted with the cool spring air.

“You’re going to give me some of that alcohol!” she informed him, still dragging her behind him.

“Well, alright,” he said, throwing open the door to the van and letting go of her hand to fumble around for the bottle. He pulled his flask out of his jacket and started to pour the whiskey inside. Her mouth was watering for it as she watched it flow from the bottle. The pills had kicked in a while ago, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted to feel as dead as she possibly could. He handed her the flask and she downed the liquid as if she hadn’t had a drink in years. He watched in amazement, a smile playing at his lips.

“Damn,” was all he could say.

She handed the flask back and leaned up against the van as she watched him take a few sips. His phone started ringing and she rolled her eyes when he informed her it was Taylor.

He accepted the call and started to walk away so he could talk to her somewhere more private. Jessica eyed the bottle of whiskey sitting on the floor of the van. She grabbed the handle and unscrewed the top, taking a few more shots before he came back. The alcohol made her eyelids heavy and her heart beat slow, but she supposed that was the pills reacting to the alcohol. She climbed into the van and laid down on the seat, passing out before the night even really started.

//\\//\\//\\

She woke up and slowly blinked the sleep out of her eyes. The clock on the dashboard read 3:16. Ryan was driving and was the only other one awake. She realized Austin had his arm thrown over her and she was using him as a pillow. She sat up a tiny bit and wished she hadn’t, her head and her stomach objecting to the sudden movement. She felt Austin’s fingers run through her hair and she looked up at him, learning that he was not asleep.

“You passed out awfully fast,” he whispered. She smiled and nodded, laying her head back down. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, resting her cold hand against her forehead. ‘I’m fine, thanks.”

“Go back to sleep, Jess. I’ll wake you up when we get to Virginia.”

She closed her eyes and was pretty sure she felt his lips press into the top of her head, but she was sure she made that up. He was probably just babying her.

She soon drifted back into unconsciousness, a place where she wished she could stay. A place where she was spending more and more time. A place where if she wasn’t careful, she would permanently end up, and right now, that sounded okay too.