To Be Alone With You

John

The days leading to graduation flew, and then the summer after that. Josselyn and I were so stupidly, deeply in love; so stupidly, deeply oblivious to the changes approaching us. I spent my days beneath the hot Arizona sun, listening to the aluminum of my baseball bat resonate as I slammed the ball into center field over and over, mixing with the sound of the crowd cheering me on. Josselyn watched from a blanket on the sidelines with Casey, her dark hair pulled up into a ponytail looped through the back of her baseball cap. Her lips circled around a pink bubble of gum over and over as she watched, clapping, eyes shimmering behind her sunnies.

I chased her like the roads would never end, catching her up in my arms at the end of every long day. It felt like that senior summer could go on forever, that we wouldn’t be leaving everything we knew behind after a few short months. We kissed below the surface at the beach, the lagoon green water shimmering around us. She sucked on a bright orange popsicle as she tanned her skin, the melting liquid trailing lazily down her hand. The way her legs looked in her bikini could have made me die.

But before we knew it, our rooms were in boxes, and soon we were moving into our new rooms at ASU. I kissed my mom goodbye and she cried because she couldn’t stand to say goodbye to her oldest son, and even though I told her I wouldn’t be that far away, she cried and cried until she left me behind. All I was left with were my empty boxes and the thought of how Josselyn was doing racing through my head.

I found her in her room, already unpacked and lounging on her haphazardly made bed. “Are you alone now?” I asked softly, going to her and pressing a kiss to her temple.

“Mom and Case just left,” she murmured, and I could see the dried tears on her cheeks. I knew that saying goodbye to Casey would be especially hard on her; they had never been without each other for all their eighteen years of life – it was a start of new era.

“But you have me,” I reminded her, kissing her promisingly. She smiled back at me, her dark red lips weakly curving up at the edges.

“But I have you,” she confirmed. And just as I went to initiate us breaking in her new bed, the door across from us sprung open, revealing a tall, model-like girl with the hair of a mermaid. There was a collection of boxes and bags surrounding her, the smile on her face growing as she realized what was going on.

“I’m Anna,” she introduced. “Josselyn?”

“That’s me.”

And as I watched Josselyn hop down from her bed and greet her new roommate, I was completely oblivious to the situation at hand. Because at that moment, everything was about to change. With the smile those girls exchanged, Anna Burns entered my life. And God, did I wish every day after that I could wash her away with the rain.


+++


“John, where’re ya goin?” Macy questioned from the bed, having only just woken up on that lazy Saturday morning. The light cast long lines over her diminutive figure, highlighting the curve of her bare shoulder. I knew that underneath it all she was wearing nothing but her skin. Most days, that would have been enough to get me crawling back in with her. But not that day.

“Out,” was my pert response as I grabbed my keys from the dresser and left. I had mission planned.

It had been two weeks since I’d seen Josselyn and Kennedy out on the town in Tempe, and ever since it was all I was able to think about. I tried to focus on other things, but when it all melted down to the essentials, my mind was completely occupied by the sight of them together. At band practice, Kennedy acted as though nothing was wrong. But I knew the truth.

The autumn day was sunny, not the slightest hint of briskness in the air. It would be the perfect day for a drive in my truck out into the desert to clear my thoughts, nothing but the music in my stereo and the wind whipping through the open windows. But there was some business I needed to attend to first.

I slammed the door of my truck behind me as I turned the key in the ignition, the engine roaring to life. Immediately, strains of The Head and the Heart poured out of the speakers, the mellow harmonies illuminating the cab. Frustrated, I hit the power button, eliminating the sound entirely. My mood was much too worked up to sit and listen to anything but my own thoughts.

My mind had been racing since I woke up an hour before, knowing that it was the day I finally had to confront Kennedy about what was going on with Josselyn. I needed answers, and I needed them straightaway. There was no more point in dancing around the topic when we were together – we both knew she was here, and he knew why. And I needed to know; it was driving me crazy not knowing.

The drive went fast, but felt comparatively slow compared to my ceaseless internal dialogue. She’s here visiting her mom and Casey, I told myself. She’s here on an assignment. She’s not here to stay. Who the fuck is Kennedy to see her? What kind of friend would do that to me? Why can’t she respect the fucking rules? She’s not here to stay, she’s not here to stay. Kennedy’ll clear all of this up and it’ll be over.

I reached his driveway and killed the engine, once again slamming the car shut behind me. With a firm resolve in bones, I walked up the front path to his house – the one he bought when he finally decided to move out from his parents’ place. There was no car in the driveway, no signs of life at all in the house, but I figured I would try anyway. I’d come all that way; I’d may as well try.

Calmly at first, I rang the doorbell. It resonated coldly inside the house, bouncing off the empty beer cans and unused furniture I knew resided inside. I’d spent hours in that house and knew it like the back of my hand. I also knew that Kennedy never answered on the first ring, so when no answer came I felt no shame in ringing again.

Still no answer. The frustration only grew inside me as I waited impatiently, hoping that he would finally come and answer. My hands balled into fists at my sides, squeezing tight to release some of the taught irritation.

“Kennedy!” I called banging on the door.

Finally it opened, only to reveal her. Her long, dark hair in the usual dark waves, blue eyes wide as the sky.

“Josselyn.”

She gasped, attempting to take it back and shut the door in my face. But in a moment of agility, I threw all my weight into my shoulder to stop her from shutting me out all over again. I managed to keep it open just a sliver, just enough to keep hope of getting some answers.

“John, please don’t,” she murmured weakly. I could see her face peeking through the crack in the door, her dark red lips curved in a tight frown.

“Where’s Kennedy?” I demanded.

“He’s not here,” she responded curtly.

He wasn’t there, but Josselyn was. It wasn’t like Kennedy to just let friends have free-range of his apartment; he liked things to be looked after and cared for, even if he was rarely there. “What are you doing here then?” I questioned in a scathing tone.

She didn’t respond.

“Oh god,” I breathed in a moment of painful realization. “You’re staying with him? You’re staying here with Kennedy?”

Again, she didn’t respond. I shook my head in disbelief, faltering a bit with my pressure on the door. She attempted to close it again, but in the last moment I pushed back with enough pressure to keep it open. All of my suspicions were so much worse than I originally thought. Josselyn was here in Tempe; staying with someone I thought was one of my best friends.

“Don’t you have anyone else to stay with, your own friends?” I asked luridly, keeping my eyes anywhere but hers.

“John…” she protested

Josselyn was here and Kennedy wasn’t. Josselyn was staying at Kennedy’s house – not at her mother’s, not at a friend’s. Josselyn was in Tempe, and I didn’t know if she was there to stay. I had no answers to the questions I wanted to ask because there was no Kennedy to ask them of. But then it dawned on me.

“You know,” I growled thoughtfully. “I came here to get some answers from Kennedy. But seeing as they involve you, you can probably answer them just as well as he can.”

She peeled the door open a smidgen more, just enough to stare at me with steely eyes. “What makes you think I want to talk to you at all?”

“Don’t you kinda owe it to me?” I asked in my most argumentative tone.

“I don’t owe you anything,” she stated flatly.

“Fair enough. Then for old times sake?”

She sighed, and finally opened the door to let me in.

The state of Kennedy’s place amazed me. It was almost like he’d grown up over night – the assorted beer cans cleaned up from the dinette, no long-forgotten potato chip bags, the glasses of water on the coffee table thoughtfully placed on round cork coasters. I whistled lowly as I entered the place, surveying the scene around me.

“Holy shit,” I muttered. Kennedy had cleaned up for Josselyn. Kennedy didn’t clean up for anybody.

“Ask your questions and get out, John,” she commanded, crossing her arms across her chest. Her body was covered in a thin tank top and dark skinny jeans, her bare feet pressed against the cold tile floor. I raised my eyebrows in her direction, surprised at her direct attitude towards the situation. It wasn’t much like Josselyn to be so direct.

“Alright,” I stated bluntly, crossing my arms to match hers. “I saw you out with Kennedy two weeks ago. I thought you were maybe visiting your mom or something but clearly that’s not the case. What are you still doing here? Don’t you have a job to do in New York?”

Her face made no change in expression, instead staying blank and dark. “That isn’t any of your concern, John.”

“Fine,” I replied incredulously. “Then what are you doing spending it with Kennedy?”

“Kennedy is my friend,” she stated back, like it was the most plain and simple fact in the world. “Friends let friends stay with each other when they come and visit.”

“Why aren’t you staying with your mom?” I questioned again, still infuriated that she thought choosing to stay with Kennedy was an acceptable answer.

She didn’t answer.

“Josselyn,” I commanded sternly. “What are you doing here? What is going on? You can’t just come back here, come back into my life and not give me answers!”

“You think you can just barge in here and demand things of me, to ask what’s going on?” she questioned in a sharp tone. “It’s none of your damn business!”

“You’ve made it my business coming back here and staying with my best friend!” I countered angrily. “Tell me what the fuck is going on here!”

I can’t tell you!” she screamed, throwing her hands to her hair and running them through exasperatedly. Her strong façade cracked, tears welling in the beds of her eyes. My heart faltered at the sight of her, her lower lip trembling in her attempt to fight back her emotion. I responded immediately in shock, my eyebrows pricking upwards and eyes wide, mouth slightly agape.

“Josselyn,” I murmured softly. “Are you okay?”

I couldn’t help it. Seeing her like that brought back all the instinct I thought was long forgotten, bringing my subconscious to state of panic. It had been years since I had seen that side of her, since I’d seen any side of her really, and taking care of her was the only way I knew how to respond. My hand went to her bare arm, pressing against her soft skin in the most uncomfortable act of comfort I could possibly express.

“I won’t tell you,” she muttered to herself, taking a gasping, shaking breath. She ripped herself away from my touch, going to sit on the couch. Her skinny legs immediately tucked up underneath her chin, the way she always sat when she wasn’t cuddling with me instead.

I stood by the door, deciding it was better for me not to chase after her.

“I don’t know why you expect that you can come in and talk to me this way after how you treated me in New York,” she muttered, her eyes focused straight forward, to the window across in the dinette. “How you can expect for me to feel like I owe you anything at all.”

“I wanted to give you a second chance after you left,” I countered. “I called you so many times trying to give you a second chance.”

“It’s not the same thing,” she replied softly. “I didn’t want a second chance.”

That cut deep, like an arrow straight through my flesh. I knew the words she said to be true, but she’d never actually said them to me. I always knew she didn’t want to come back to me, but I just never really wanted to believe it. But there it was, splayed out in the open of Kennedy’s living room like a dark, ugly ink blot.

Her eyes remained straight ahead, completely focused on something outside the window. My heart lurched in my chest, threatening to push me to shouting at her at the top of my lungs. But instead I turned without a word, flinging open the door and slamming it shut behind me. She didn’t even flinch.

As I stormed decidedly to my car, Kennedy was just exiting his in the garage. He cradled a bag of groceries in one arm, his face looking entirely shocked to see me. I heard him call out to me, but my anger clouded my thoughts too much to respond. Instead, I got into my car and revved the engine, taking off down the empty suburban street.

I drove and I drove, deep into the heart of the desert – the radio blaring and the wind whipping through my grown out hair. And I prayed to forget about Josselyn Clarisse Stevens, the girl who broke my heart the day she left, the girl who left without wanting a second chance. But no matter how fast I drove, how far I went, I could never outrun her. She was always right there beside me.
♠ ♠ ♠
present josselyn | anna burns
here we are. more and more about John and Josselyn's past is only going to come out after this.but here are the little tidbits you have to work with now: who is Anna Burns? Josselyn left and didn't want a second chance with John? tell me what you think.

also, I think it's just about that time. next installment to the soundtrack. those who comment get a link to a download website for the next few songs to the soundtrack. I've been working on it! just let me know if you need part one and I'll hook you up. comment away!
thank you to thepretendpenelope, chelsea13, loverboy., and forevernalways for the feedback. happy Valentines to y'all.