Better Than I Know Myself

I wasn’t expecting the stab of guilt I felt when my dad fired Ashton. Sure, I sort of knew it would happen. I mean, there was no way my dad would not fire him after that, but I wasn’t expecting the feelings… I turned to my dad, waiting for him to say something after Ashton left. But he didn’t. He walked passed me into his office. I blinked in confusion and then stormed in after him. “Go home, Tanner,” he said and I gritted my jaw. “I mean it, I don’t want to deal with you right now.” He was dismissing me. Just like that. I didn’t understand, how was he still not even bothering with me after that?
“You’re a terrible father, you know that?” I spat.
“Well you’re a disappointment of a son, did you know that?” he asked calmly. Tears, unbidden, pooled in my eyes. I had nothing to say, if I could even get it out in the first place. I just turned and walked out of his office, slamming the door behind me.

Once I was back in Ashton’s office, I paused and turned to his desk. It was weird coming out of my dad’s office and not seeing Ashton’s smile. Another stab of guilt hit me. I sat down in Ashton’s chair as more tears pooled in my eyes. I spun on the chair slightly and opened the top drawer. My heart lurched in my chest when my eyes landed on a framed photo of the two of us. Ashton had taken it about a month after we started dating. Back then, I was still only half into it. I had to keep reminding myself that the purpose of dating him was to get my dad angry and to pay attention to me. I picked up the frame and looked at the photo closer. We were in Ashton’s living room on the sofa. He’d put Pokémon on and I’d been relentlessly teasing him about it, even though I had started to enjoy it. Ashton had pulled me close to him and I rested my head on his shoulder, pressing a kiss to his collarbone, as he held his phone up and took a picture of us. I was smiling in the photo, so was Ashton. I was happy. I looked back at Ashton’s face and a small smile tugged at my lips. At the start, I hadn’t intended for it to last this long…but I couldn’t help it. I loved spending time with him. My smile slowly melted away as tears rolled down my cheeks. And I’d thrown it away. I’d thrown him away. Oh, god, what had I done? I’d sacrificed someone who genuinely cared about me for…for what? Nothing, it turned out.

I quickly went through the rest of Ashton’s desk, putting all of his person belongings in a box nearby. I grabbed the box and then left the building. I took the bus over to Ashton’s flat, growing steadily more nervous with every minute that passed. I’d placed the photo on the top, hoping that when Ashton saw it, he’d want to talk to me. Or at least listen. He understood me better than anyone, even Kale, so I had to pray that he’d understand this.

I stared at his front door for a moment as I built up my nerve to actually do it. After what felt like an eternity, I raised my hand and knocked. There was no answer. I’d kind of expected that. I knocked again. “Ashton, please!” I called through the door. “Please open the door.”
“Go away, Tanner,” he called back. His shaky voice made my chest hurt.
“Please, Ashton, just listen to me, please,” I said. There was silence and for a horrifying moment, I thought he wasn’t going to let me in. But then I heard the door unlocked and I let out a breath of relief. He opened the door but I wasn’t prepared for the sight that met my eyes. Ashton had clearly been crying; his eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks had fresh tear-tracks.
“What do you want?” he asked, standing straight, clearly not wanting me to see him vulnerable.
“I wanted to bring the rest of your stuff,” I told him weakly, holding out the box. He took it from me, his gaze landing on the photo on top. He gritted his teeth and picked it up before shoving it back at me.
“I don’t want it,” he said.
“Ashton, I-“
“I don’t know which hurts more, losing a job that I loved, or finding out that you used me like that,” he said suddenly, clearly deciding to just let it all out. I nodded, lowering my gaze. “Did the fact that you had my undivided attention mean nothing to you?” I frowned and shook my head, hoping he’d listen to my poor excuse of an explanation.
“You don’t understand,” I told him, but he shook his head.
“No, you don’t understand,” he said. “I was willing to give you everything. And you just threw that away. You need to get over yourself, Tanner. Just because your dad doesn’t love you, doesn’t mean that other people can’t.” I stared at him, my lips parted in shock. My brain registered and ignored the dad comment and focused on the second half. Did he…did he say he loves me?
“Ashton,” I said.
“No,” he said. “I’ve had enough.” And with that, he shut the door.
“Ashton!” I called through the door, praying he would open it again. “Please let me in!”
“I let you in once, I’m not doing it again, now leave,” he said and I heard his retreating footsteps. Tears pricked in my eyes and I looked down at the photo in my hands. My tears fell onto the glass.

Instead of going home, I went to Kale’s house. He’d know what I should do to fix it, he always did. I knocked on his front door and his mum opened the door. “Hello, Tanner,” she smiled. His parents had always been so nice to me.
“Hello, Mrs Turner,” I smiled. “Is Kale here?” I asked, knowing full well he would be.
“He’s in his room,” she smiled. “Go on up.”
“Thank you,” I smiled before entering the house and running up the stairs to his room. I knocked on the door and then walked in. Kale was sitting at his computer doing what looked like an essay. I probably had that to do too…
“Hey,” he smiled, turning to face me.
“I really screwed up,” I told him, falling onto his bed and staring at the ceiling.
“Why?” he asked, closing his bedroom door and then coming to sit beside me. “What happened.”
“I just…” Suddenly, I didn’t want Kale to know, I didn’t want him to judge me, too. “I can't, it’s really bad.” I rolled over onto my front and buried my face in his duvet.
“Come on, Tan,” he said softly. “It’s me, you can tell me anything.”
“Yeah but…this is really bad,” I whispered. Kale stayed quiet and I sighed. “So…you know I was going out with Ashton, right?”
“Yeah,” he said softly and I rolled over.
“Well…I kind of…only went out with him because I knew it was piss my dad off,” I whispered. “At first. But then…after a while I started to really like him, you know? And I just…my head was so messed up. Part of me just wanted to piss my dad off, another just wanted to be happy with Ashton.”
“And I’m guessing you went with the first part,” Kale whispered, running his fingers through my hair comfortingly.
“Yeah,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes closed. “I sort of…pushed Ashton into letting me give him a blow job in his office when I knew my dad would catch us…”
“Oh, Tanner,” Kale whispered, his hand slowly on my head.
“I know,” I mumbled. “My dad fired him. It was only once it happened that I realised I’d done the wrong thing. I’d never felt any guilt after anything I’ve done, I’ve found it fun… But that wasn’t fun.”
“You need to talk to Ashton,” he said and I sighed.
“I already tried,” I whispered. “I really hurt him, Kale. And I don’t think he’ll forgive me.” Kale started running his fingers through my hair again. “He said he loves me…I think.”
“You think?” Kale asked, confused.
“He didn’t say it in so many words…” I said softly.
“What did he say?” he asked.
“He said, something like, ‘just because your dad doesn’t love you, doesn’t mean other people can't’,” I said softly, a smile pulling at my lips at the memory. Even though he’d said it when he was angry with tears shining in his eyes, I knew what it meant.
“He’s right, you know,” Kale whispered. I turned to him with a frown. “I think that…maybe your dad is a lost cause. Trying to make him notice you had brought you nothing but pain. Maybe it is time for you to just forget about your dad. I mean, I love you. Not in that way, but like a brother. And my parents love you, too. And clearly Ashton loves you. Maybe you should focus on the people who do love you and not the people who don’t.” I sat up slowly and nodded.
“You’re right,” I said, standing up.
“Where are you going?” Kale asked.
“Back to Ashton’s,” I said and Kale smiled. I hugged him quickly. “Thanks.”
“Anytime,” he smiled.

I quickly ran back down the stairs and out the front door and went straight back over to Ashton’s. I knocked on the door once again. Ashton clearly wasn’t expecting me to come back because he opened the door straight away. “I’m sorry,” I said immediately. “I was stupid and childish and just…so focused on something that I thought I wanted instead what I actually wanted. Because what I actually want more than anything in this world is to be with you for the rest of my life. And I know that you might not be able to forgive me, but I promise I will spend however long it takes, doing whatever it takes, to prove to you that you are the most important person in my life. I love you, Ashton.” Ashton stared at me for a tense moment in which I thought he was going to just turn around and close the door on me.
“Will you sit through a season 1 Pokémon marathon with me and say you enjoy it?” he asked and I felt myself let go of the breath I’d been holding as a tentative smile pulled at my lips.
“I promise I will,” I whispered. Ashton smiled slightly and shook his head.
“You know, this puts us right back to where we were 3 months ago,” Ashton said slowly. I sighed sadly but nodded. I knew Ashton had to learn to trust me all over again, but that was okay, because I was not going to do anything to break his trust this time. I hesitantly stepped forward and when I realised Ashton wasn’t going to push me away, I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. Ashton’s arms wrapped around me a second later and I smiled as I rested my head on his shoulder.
“I really am sorry,” I whispered.
“I know,” Ashton whispered, running his fingers through my hair. I sighed in content. There was a lot more I needed to say, but for right now, I was happy to let him hold me.

--

A week later, everything was out in the open with Ashton and I. We talked about what had happened, about why I’d done it, and we’d moved on. I’d moved on. I no longer cared that my dad didn’t notice me because I had someone who did, someone better.

But, nevertheless, I still found myself going to my dad’s office one day after school. When I opened the door to Ashton’s old office, I was surprised to find some random girl sitting at his desk. “Who are you?” I demanded, slipping back into my old shoes; angry and rude.
“I’m Mr Powell’s new assistant,” she said. “I’m a temp while he interviews for someone permanent.” I just nodded. “Do you have a meeting with Mr Powell?”
“No,” I said, crossing the room anyway.
“Um, I’m sorry but Mr Powell-“ I stopped listening to her and opened my dad’s office door. He looked up from his desk and sighed when he realised it was me. “I’m sorry, sir, he wouldn’t stop and-“
“It’s okay, Amanda,” dad said, waving her away. She nodded and closed the door behind her on her way out. “Why are you here?” he asked.
“You need to give Ashton his job back,” I said.
“Oh, I need to, do I?” he asked, rolling his eyes.
“Yes,” I said. “You know that it wasn’t his fault. He was the best assistant you’ve ever had and you know it.”
“I will not tolerate that sort of…behaviour in my offices!” dad snapped and I nodded.
“I know,” I told him. “And it will never happen again. It was my fault, I just wanted to…make you angry. Please don’t take it out on Ashton.” Dad frowned at me for a moment.
“You care about him, don’t you?” dad asked and I nodded. I realised then that this was the most civil conversation I could remember having with him in years.
“I love him,” I said. “And I hurt him. I promised I’d do anything to prove how much I regret what I did. Which is why I’m here right now.”
“Does he know you’re here?” dad asked and I shook my head.
“No,” I said and dad nodded.
“Ask him to come and see me,” he said and I frowned unsurely.
“You’re not going to just…shout at him some more, are you?” I asked. “Because I won't ask him if you are.”
“I won't,” dad said with a small smile. “Just ask him.” I nodded.

I went straight over to Ashton’s flat once I left my dad’s office. I knocked on the door and Ashton opened the door a few seconds later. “Hey,” he smiled, leaning down to peck my lips.
“Hi,” I smiled. I was unbelievably glad that Ashton had taken me back, that things were okay between us. “Um, my dad wants to see you.” Ashton frowned and lowered his gaze.
“Why?” he asked.
“I’m not really sure,” I told him. “I went to see him to explain that what happened wasn’t your fault. I asked him to give you your job back.”
“You didn’t need to do that,” he said softly. I ignored his comment because I had needed to do that.
“Will you go see him?” I asked and Ashton sighed and nodded. “He said he wasn’t going to shout at you.” Ashton smiled softly before wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Thank you,” he whispered and I shook my head.
“You haven’t got your job back yet,” I pointed out and he smiled.
“No, but you tried,” he said and I shrugged.
“I love you,” I whispered. “I’d do anything to make you happy.” Ashton leant down and kissed me gently.
“Okay,” he sighed, “let’s go see your dad…” I smiled and squeezed his hand.

We headed back to my dad’s office building hand in hand. I could tell that Ashton was kind of nervous, but neither of us said anything. I didn’t know what was going to happen. We took the lift up to the top floor and went into Ashton’s old office. “Mr Powell is expecting you,” Amanda said with a cheery smile.
“Thank you,” Ashton smiled. I didn’t understand how he could be so pleasant to the girl who’d taken his place. I glared at her. We headed into my dad’s office and he stood.
“Wait outside, Tanner,” dad said and I frowned.
“But-“
“Now,” dad said. I glanced at Ashton who smiled and nodded. I frowned in concern, but my dad had said he wouldn’t shout…so I just had to believe that.

I went back into Amanda’s office and sat on the sofa. “Are you Mr Powell’s son?” she asked me and I turned to her.
“Yeah,” I said and she nodded.
“I didn’t realise he had a son,” she said and I rolled my eyes.
“He doesn’t talk about me,” I said before putting my headphones on. I didn’t play any music, but she didn’t know that. I was listening to see whether I heard my dad raise his voice at all. I was ready to burst in there and defend Ashton if need be. But I didn’t hear a thing.

Twenty minutes passed before my dad’s office door opened and Ashton and my dad appeared, shaking hands and smiling. I shook quickly, unsure what was going on. “Amanda, I won't be needing you from tomorrow,” my dad said and Amanda nodded. My dad shot me a glance but then he went back into his office and closed the door. I quickly crossed the room to stand beside Ashton.
“What happened?” I asked desperately. Clearly it had gone well, but I needed to know all the details. Ashton glanced at Amanda before pulling me out of the room. Once we were in the lift, he turned to me.
“He told me that my behaviour was not appropriate and I apologised,” he said. “He said that if anything like that ever happened again, I wouldn’t be given another chance.” I stared at him.
“So…you have got your job back?” I asked him and he grinned.
“Yeah,” he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Thank you, Tanner.” I leant up and kissed him softly.
“What else did he say?” I asked. “You were in there for ages.”
“We were just talking about…the rules where dating you is concerned,” he said and I frowned. “You’re not allowed to visit me while I’m working. You can come by when I’m on my breaks, but we have to leave the building before we do any…couply stuff.” I smiled softly.
“I can deal with that,” I nodded. We were quiet for a moment before Ashton spoke again.
“He asked me how I felt about you…” he whispered and I looked up at him. He hadn’t yet told me how he felt about me…not really, anyway.
“What…did you say?” I whispered. Ashton looked down into my eyes and smiled.
“I said I loved you,” he whispered and I let out a sigh of relief.
“You do?” I whispered and he nodded. “Even after…everything?”
“Yeah,” he whispered. “Even after everything, I love you.”
“I love you, too, Ashton,” I whispered. “So much.” Ashton smiled and kissed me.

We got down to the ground floor and headed out of the building. “I’ve got something to show you at my apartment,” Ashton said, grasping my hand tight and pulling me towards his car. I grinned at him.
“Oh, yeah, what’s that?” I asked him.
“I’ve finally decided who the right guy is,” he smiled and my eyes widened.
“Um, you have?” I whispered, my heart skipping a beat in my chest.
“Yeah,” he grinned as we got in the car. He leant over and kissed me deeply. “Now let me take you home so I can show you.” I smiled and kissed him once more.
“I love you,” I whispered and Ashton smiled.
“I love you, too,” he said gently, stroking my cheek tenderly. “Thank you for getting me my job back.”
“You don’t need to thank me,” I shrugged. “It’s my fault you lost it in the first place.”
“Maybe,” he smiled, “but I still appreciate you getting it back.” I smiled and shrugged.
“Anytime,” I said and Ashton smiled.
“Let’s go home,” he said, starting the car and heading back to his flat. I smiled and reached over to link my fingers with his.

Sometimes I really couldn’t believe that Ashton had forgiven me, but I knew he understood me. He understood why I did the things I did, and he loved me in spite of them. I knew I was incredibly lucky to have him. And even though my parents didn’t necessarily appreciate me as much as they should, that didn’t matter anymore, because I had Ashton. And I wasn’t going to let him go ever again.