Revolts, Riots and Rebels (The New London Riot)

I promise you. If I get to the US someday, I’ll start a band and write a song about all this shit.
"You’re sitting out here alone again?"
I went out to Crash on the Balcony. I have to admit that I was curious.
He looked up at me and smiled like he was happy to see me.
"Of course, and you know why I’m here. Sit down, will you?"
"No, I don’t know why you’re here. You waited for me?"
I sat down on the balcony floor a few inches from Crash, but he dragged me close to him and pulled me down to his lap.
"You know I did."
"Yeah? So what diddya wanna say then?"
This reminded me of yesterday. I lied with my head on his thighs, he brushed my hair with his fingers and I wondered why he was doing this. With me. He could’ve picked anyone else, like Skye, or Robyn! Robyn is in his age, and cool and stuff. I’m the little social misfit in the group, the youngest and so on, not Crash’s type at all.
Plus, I see him as the big brother I never had. It would feel weird to have some sort of relationship with him.
"Nothing, really. I just wanted to like, be with you."
"Crash, this doesn’t sound like you at all."
"No?"
He kept brushing my hair with his fingers and looking all distant. No, he sounded distant, but he looked at me like… I don’t know how to describe it.
I don’t even know if I liked it.
"Crash… I think I’m gonna get out of here. Soon."
He stopped fiddling with my hair.
"Get outta here…? How do you mean?"
"Y’know… Hit the road. I can’t stay here, I’ll try to go to the US if I can. Where everything’s normal, this looks like the World War II."
"You’re choosing the coward’s way out? By escaping? Giving up on your country?"
I sat up. Crash looked insane; he stared at me and shouted.
"This doesn’t sound like you either, I mumbled and looked away."
I pulled out my old butterfly knife from my jeans pocket and unfolded it. It was my first knife; I bought it in Prague on a school trip pages ago.
I looked away and started fiddling with the knife, unfolding it and folding it with whipping moves.
Was I choosing the coward’s way out? I didn’t plan to do that… I just couldn’t stay here anymore.
I lit up a cigarette and took a few deep drags. Exhaled. Crash was silent, but I knew that he was watching me.
"We’re having a combat tomorrow, a little one. Feel like staying for that one?"
It was discrete, but I heard the sarcasm in his voice.
Exhaled.
"Of course… I’m not even sure if I should leave, I just feel for it. You pissed or something?" I said and handed him the cigarette.
"Not pissed… I don’t know what to do if you’d leave, I mean."
"Come with me. Imagine what we could do, if we’d get to America… There’s a whole world out there, Crash."
"No. "
He took another drag on the cigarette and exhaled.
"Why not?"
I sounded like a five year old.
"I can’t leave them. You know I can’t. And I want to be here when they storm the government."
"Yeah… That would’ve been something, huh…" I said dreamily, thinking about America. The west coast, Los Angeles and Hollywood and beautiful weather all year around. And no need to walk around with a gun in your pocket! I would miss it, but it was worth it…
"Zeph… please," he pleaded.
"What the fuck, Crash?"
"What fuck?"
"In the first place, why do you even care? Okay, you’re loosing one of the rebels, I understand that, but I believe that you’re thinking of something else, am I right?"
He sighed. He stood up, looked at the view of a Hiroshima London and sighed again.
I could feel the blood coursing through my veins.
swear, if he says something involving love, I’m gonna…
Gonna do what? Tell him I’m a lesbian? Jump off the balcony? Kiss him? Punch him? I know how to immobilize him completely with one single hit.
"You’re the kind of person that just… I mean, it’s like… You know… Argh screw it. Zephyr, it seems like you’re my soul mate. We’ve only known each other for a couple of months, but it just feels so right, do you know what I mean?"
He spoke with a very calm voice, he didn’t look at me and neither did I.
I thought of what to say. Was this about love or what? Does it mean that he’s my boyfriend just because we’re soul mates?
Slaphimkisshimslaphimkisshimslaphimslaphimkisshimslaphimkisshim.
He continued:
"I can’t live without you."
"I can’t live without you either."
I was surprsed by the words that came out of my mouth, but deep down inside… I knew I was telling the truth. For once. I have been trying to deny it, but for what?
He looked up and straight at me. At first he looked surprised, then glad and then… grateful. I noticed that I had the same look on my face.

I knew I had messed up basically everything, but what could I do?
We slept in his sleeping bag that night, it was tight but we managed.
I lied awake… most of the time. I thought about everything, everybody and Crash and I. Would it work out? I spoke to Skye about it; You can’t be in love in a war zone. Someone or something would screw it up and then… blegh.
Crash and Zephyr. Zephyr and Crash. Dani and Alan.
I pulled my own hair in a very discrete way when that last thing crossed my mind.
Our names did sound good together… I made a deal with myself.
If he wants to be my boyfriend, then of course. I’d be open with it, love him and so on.
If he’d get killed, I’d blow my brains out. I’d try to get him to go with me to the US.
Of course I could go by myself too, but was that what I wanted?

In the middle of the night, when I was lying with his arms around my waist and his hot breath in the back of my neck and I was in the middle of my dreams about the future when Crash spoke.
"I know you’re not asleep… What are thinking about?"
"...Us."
"Really?"
"Yeah… Go back to sleep, will you? We’ll talk about it tomorrow."
"Are you sure everthing’s okay, hun?"
I stiffened a little when he said that.
"Yes, of course… Everything is just perfect."

Holy fuck, what have I done? Plan suicide, here I come…