Let's Pretend It's Love

A soft groan escaped Emma's lips as she reached the pitch. She wasn't the last to arrive but it was a near thing; there were two others rushing in from the other end. Scurrying towards the back of the group crowded at half field, Emma slid to a sitting position between Megan, one of the defensive players, and Alex, the goalie. The boys' team was also at the pitch, crowded together on the other side of the half field line, a clear divide between the two teams. Her eyes automatically sought out Zayn as Alex asked her if she knew why they were called to the field a solid hour before practice was scheduled.

Emma shook her head as she found the boy she was looking for, his eyes already on her though he was going through the same with with Louis babbling in his ear. The blonde tried to hide her grimace as she looked at Louis, instead forcing herself to focus solely on Zayn. She smiled questioningly, tilting her head to the side to accent the wondering glance, silently trying to ask him if he knew what was going on. Zayn shrugged in response, his lips pulling into a tiny smile before he turned to talk to Louis. Emma immediately looked away. She couldn't stand the sight of Louis for the simple fact that he made her roommate cry. She didn't know the specifics of it but anyone who made Ivy cry was an enemy in Emma's book.

Focusing on the grass beneath her, Emma tried to calm the rage she felt on behalf of her friend. She slowly forced it out and tried to think of Zayn instead. Ever since their last hang out on the pitch things were better. Less awkward, more settled with easy banter and safe topics that kept them from the fact that Emma has avoided him on two separate occasions. Though it was easier for Emma to be around him and she wasn't about to start avoiding him or hiding from him again it was also harder as well.

Her crush wasn't going away and every time she even thought about trying to flirt with Zayn she clammed up and all the awkwardness of her personality seemed to float to the top. Even after two separate conversations with both Elise and Rhianne she still felt unsure of herself and lost in her own skin. It was equal parts inexperience and low confidence that did her in. That, coupled with the fact that every time she got close to making a move in that sense she remembered overhearing those girls that talked about Zayn giving a girl a pity kiss at the party where he kissed her. It was all very anxiety inducing so Emma tried to push the crush down, to forget how brown Zayn's eyes were or the silly faces he sometimes made to make her smile. It wasn't working.

Megan nudging her pulled Emma from her own head. The teams weren't alone anymore. In addiction to the two teams' coaches the university athletic director was standing with them, his lips drawn in a thin line that made Emma shiver a little. She knew him by face only, having once seen him standing outside his office when she was running late for a meeting with Coach Erin. His presence couldn't be a good one, that was for sure.

“Thank you all for gathering here on such short notice,” the tall, balding man began. “I'm afraid I have some bad news but I don't want you to panic.” He paused and Emma felt like her stomach completely dropped out of her. She chanced a glance at Zayn but he wasn't looking at her, his eyes instead on the man standing between their coaches. “Due to unforeseen circumstances we've had some recent budget cuts to the athletic department...”

Emma turned him out along with the grumbling protests of her fellow players. Her heart was pounding in her chest as panic crept up on her. It was an unfamiliar feeling, a weird sensation that felt like a thousand bugs crawling over her skin. She was terrified, both of the feeling and losing her spot. Football was everything. She felt most at home on the pitch with her cleats on and the wind whipping her hair around behind her as she chased after the ball. They couldn't cut the program, she wouldn't survive without it.

Her chest heaved as she tried to calm down, to think things through rationally. But then she was being pulled to her feet by Alex and she swayed backwards, completely off balance as she tried to stand on her own. She faintly registered someone saying her name, her eyes squeezing shut as she struggled to catch her breath. She was sure the walls were closing in on her despite the fact that they were in the middle of an open pitch. Emma itched to run, to escape the trapped feeling.

“Breathe,” someone instructed. Emma felt like screaming that she was trying, that she couldn't catch her breath. But the voice was soft and soothing and achingly familiar. It swirled around her and settled in her bones as the voice continued instructing her with slow, steady breaths.

It felt like centuries before Emma was calm and confident enough to open her eyes and brave what was going on around her. She didn't know what happened, she had never felt so scared or worried before in her life and that itself was terrifying. Slowly, she opened her eyes to find Zayn standing in front of her, his hands on her hips and a concern look on his face. Emma blinked once, twice, and licked her lips as she glanced around. A few of her teammates were looking at her with expressions that mirrored Zayn's while another looked at her with sympathy in her eyes.

“What...” Emma trailed off, her voice soft and broken. Shaking her head, she tried again, desperately trying to regain her normal voice and to keep her embarrassment from coloring her cheeks. “What happened?”

Everyone in their nearby group was quiet. Emma finally noticed that her other teammates were doing drills with the boys. It was just her, Zayn, and the three girls that were sitting closest to her in the group. Confusion overrode the embarrassment and panic she had felt; why was everyone practicing? Before she could voice that question her sympathetic teammate stepped up and gave her a sad smile. It was Brenda, a nice girl that usually came off the bench when she played.

“I think you had a panic attack,” she told Emma softly, her hand reaching out to squeeze her shoulder gently. “I have them sometimes too.”

The blonde nodded, silently processing that while her teammates slowly began to disperse once it became apparent that Emma was okay. Once it was just Zayn standing with her Emma waited for the awkwardness to set in but it never came. She felt safe with his hands on her and she was thankful that it was him. Somewhere in the back of her mind she worried that he was freaked out and thought she was weird. She was definitely embarrassed but those feelings were nothing compared to the overwhelming thankfulness she felt towards Zayn.

“That has never happened to me before,” Emma admitted quietly, her cheeks a bright pink as the embarrassment floated to the top and took over. “But why is everyone practicing? Didn't they cut the program?”

Zayn laughed softly, his hand gently reaching up to brush some hair from her face. He still looked concerned and it made Emma's stomach drop. “No, they didn't. We just have to have combined practices and weight training now. He didn't really explain why, I don't think. I was more worried about you.”

Something told Emma that this was her moment, that if she wanted something to happen then she had to make a move right now. But she couldn't. All she could do was nod and step back from Zayn, effectively putting some space between them. She was having trouble breathing again but this had nothing to do with panic. It was the soft expression on Zayn's face, the look of concern and the way she felt safe with him nearby. It was too much for Emma; too overwhelming and too deep. Her feelings for him were supposed to be going away, not getting stronger.

“We should probably get to practicing,” she offered slowly, nodding as she did.

Zayn nodded in return, the last bits of concern falling away from his face as his expression turned into something more guarded and closed off. It stung but Emma told herself it was for the best. She couldn't fall for him any more than she already had. But as she jogged off to join her teammates she could feel Zayn's eyes on her and she knew it was probably useless.