Let's Pretend It's Love

The whole scene had broken her heart. Emma was always firmly in the Team Whatever-Makes-Ivy-Happy camp but seeing Louis and watching the way he spoke to Elise made something stir inside of her and she couldn’t help but wonder if maybe they were the same team. She couldn’t be sure; she didn’t know the finer details of their relationship and Ivy hadn’t told her what happened but even so, Emma was observant.

Being quiet was an advantage in that way and lately it was a big one. Ever since her panic attack on the pitch Emma had been increasingly quiet. She went to class, worked at the library, went to football practice and then went home. Emma was holding even her closest friends in the house at arms length. It was how she witnessed the scene between Louis and Elise in the first place.

Jogging around campus at night was a daily occurrence following her first panic attack. Not only was it a time for Emma to unwind and disappear for a little while but it allowed her to keep her stress levels down and keep the itchy, gnawing fear that she was going to have another one at bay. She had just been through her route and on her way back into the house when she spotted Louis.

It broke her heart. She wanted to go to him and ask what had happened even though she had little more than disdain for him before. But Emma couldn’t. So she watched from the shadows and only once both Louis and Ivy were gone back to their respective houses did she continue forth and head into the house herself.

Now she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even days later, she couldn’t get the image of sad Louis out of her mind or the way Elise told him that Ivy never wanted to see him again. Was that true? Emma didn’t have the courage to ask her roommate or even fess up that she saw the whole thing happen. She was still isolating herself and keeping away from everyone. Even Zayn who made it a habit to ask her almost daily if she was alright, if she had another episode or if she just wanted to hang out.

The whole thing was driving her mad. Emma wanted to fix it. She wanted to do something to make her girls happy. The quiet isolation had only been good for one thing: realizing that nearly all of her favorite sisters were unhappy. But she didn’t know how and she still felt weak and vulnerable from the unexpected panic attack. So she did nothing and attempted to carry on with her life.

It wasn’t working.

Everywhere she turned on campus and at the Zeta house, Emma was met with another one of her unsmiling sisters. On her way to the library she caught sight of another – Lola – and it ate her inside. Unfocused and in a hurry, the blonde walked straight into the one person she was actually speaking actual sentences to lately. Groaning, Emma stumbled backwards a little and then laughed when she noticed Zayn standing stock still, completely unaffected by her.

Patches of pink colored her cheeks as she brushed her long blonde locks behind her ear and stood up a little straighter. While she was still talking more than a few words to Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome, she was more flustered by his presence now than ever. Whenever he was nearby warmth blossomed in her chest and spread down through her limbs. An uncontrollable smile always found its way twitching to her lips and butterflies swarmed in her stomach.

Zayn was warm and safe. He looked at her with nothing but concern after that freak panic attack and in the days that followed there was not even an ounce of pity coloring his expression unlike that in the looks of her teammates. It was part of the reason she was keeping her distance from everyone. Emma didn’t want anyone to know. She didn’t want that pity for something she couldn’t control – for something she didn’t even think could happen to her.

“Hey,” Emma greeted, her lips twisting into a small smile. Her feelings were supposed to be going away but she was slowly adjusting. They were there; she had to acknowledge them sooner or later. She was just choosing later at the moment. “What are you doing here? I’ve never seen you down this way before?”

Zayn shrugged. He looked almost cold for a moment before his expression softened and a smile overtook his lips. “I was walking with Lou,” he replied, his lips turning down at the mention of his friend. “But I was also looking for you.”

Emma bit her lip. He was looking for her? Why? “Well, I’m meant to be in the library…” She trailed off as she pulled her phone from her pocket and lit up the screen. “Five minutes ago.” Sighing, she shoved the offending item into her pocket and glanced up to find Zayn smirking at her.

She tried to tell herself that it was anything but sexy. It was dangerous and a bad thing. But her mind wasn’t winning out. That was a sexy smirk and Emma knew it did mean dangerous things but when his lips twitched into an actual smile a moment later that was it. Slam dunk, home run, touchdown, penalty kick scored. Emma was sold and she knew that she was a goner. It didn’t matter what that smirk meant because that smile meant that she was falling. Hard.

“Skip?” Zayn’s eyebrows shot up on his forehead. He looked like he already knew the answer, like he fully expected Emma to say no but he was asking anyway. Good girl Emma was screaming for her to brush past him and head for the library. Good girl Emma was screaming that she needed her distance; that these feelings could still be fought. But Emma knew better and all she really wanted to get a little closer to Zayn, to see if she could find another moment and capitalize unlike all the moments she managed to squander in the past.

Nodding, the blonde gave him a conspiratorial smirk before pulling her phone out once more. She quickly tapped out a text to the head librarian that she wasn’t feeling well and would see her in a few days before turning the phone off and putting it away without waiting for a response. Zayn was staring down at her with a look of awe on his face. Shaking his head, he held his hand out to Emma and moved to walk down the hall.

“C’mon, I’ve got someplace I’ve been wanting to show you.”

Emma looked at his hand hesitantly. It was sinking in that she just texted a lie to do what? Go hang out with Zayn where they would probably go down to the pitch and talk? It wasn’t too late for her to suddenly text back that she wasn’t feeling so bad after all. Standing there for a moment, Emma battled with herself internally before finally relenting. She wanted to be with Zayn, to spend time with him in any capacity. He made her forget about the panic and the fact that her friends were all sad. He made her happy. Even if she denied the fact up and down and was terrified of what that meant.

Placing her hand in his, Emma carded their fingers together. Zayn stood there for a second, staring at her like he couldn’t figure her out before he started walking, guiding them away from the library. They made the walk in silence, their fingers the only thing linking them together apart from anyone else on campus. As Zayn guided Emma away, she smiled to herself and nodded at teammates they passed and even gave Rhianne and big grin when they passed her on Greek Row.

Her friend looked surprised but she returned Emma’s smile and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. It earned a giggle from the blonde and Zayn smiled down at her like he knew exactly what she was laughing about. It was easy. Their silence wasn’t awkward or suffocating but comfortable. It was exactly how Emma felt during her runs minus the soft twinge of loneliness that was developing from holding people at arm’s length.

But the longer they walked the more that feeling slipped away. The anticipation was killing her as they walked off Greek Row and away from the pitch. Instead, Zayn pulled her in the opposite direction down by the car park. Before they could head down that path, however, he pulled her towards a line of trees behind one of the academic buildings. Just a few feet into the forest was a path.

“Where on Earth are you taking me?” Emma finally asked, unable to handle the suspense for a moment longer. “If this was just some prank so you could get me good and lost I’m going to kill you, Malik.”

Zayn chuckled and shook his head as he held a branch back for them to step under. “No, Emma, you’ll see.”

Emma was too busy looking at the forest surrounding them to look at Zayn but she could practically hear the eyeroll in his voice. He thought she was being ridiculous but in the endearing way that was just so Emma. It wasn’t the first time she heard that tone and she secretly hoped it wouldn’t be the last.

She opened her mouth to ask just what she was expected to see when she saw it. They were standing on the edge of a dirt clearing. Emma didn’t think this place really existed. She had heard soft whispers of it, of a place in the forest where people sometimes held parties but she didn’t run in that crowd. The only parties she really attended were either run by the Zetas or Omegas and to her knowledge none of them had ever taken place in the woods.

But that wasn’t the stunning part. It was the trees lining the clearing. They were all carved up or painted with faded graffiti symbols. Emma broke free from Zayn’s hand and wandered along the clearing. Her hands trailed over the carved trunks, barely taking in all the sayings. Some were names and initials; others were actual sayings. There were even a few drawings etched into the bark. It was bizarrely beautiful but Emma didn’t know why she was here.

“Why are we here?” She wondered aloud as her fingers trailed over a deep R etched into the bark of a tree.

“Don’t know,” Zayn admitted, his voice much closer than anticipated. Emma jumped and stumbled backwards, her shoulder hitting his chest enough that when he laughed she felt it jolt through her body. “For a great football player you lose your footing a lot.”

His teasing warmed Emma’s stomach and the feel of his breath made goose bumps appear on her skin. Shuddering, she shook her head and stepped away from him. Zayn hid his frown well but Emma still caught it and it made her stomach drop. She didn’t want to be the cause of his frown, not in any capacity. But she was confused and the feelings were overwhelming so she stepped back.

“I think…” Emma bit her lip as she paused for a moment. I think you make my heart race more than playing a football match does. Shaking her head again, Emma bit out a sigh and looked over Zayn’s shoulder as she spoke. “I think we should head back.”

Zayn frowned but didn’t say anything for a long moment. A part of Emma wanted to just turn and leave right then without a word but she couldn’t do that. Not to Zayn. So she stayed and waited, her eyes focusing on anything but the boy in front of her. She tried to shut out all the questions and confusion, the fear and hesitance. Emma wanted to be that girl that sent the cancellation text without even thinking about it. But she was still sweet, timid Emma deep down and sweet, timid Emma didn’t come to large clearings with boys that she was falling for without control.

The boy before her finally sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. The messy look worked for him, Emma thought absently as she focused on the fact that he was stepping closer. He looked determined, like he was finally going to do something he’d been holding back for awhile. If it were anyone else, if it wasn’t Zayn, she would have been turning to run away. But it was Zayn and at any given moment Emma always wanted him closer, so much closer.

“I think you’re scared,” he started as he stopped with a few inches between them. “And I think I brought you here because this is where I find happiness. This is where I think and draw and escape and you’ve been looking like you need an escape. But mostly I think you’re scared ‘cause otherwise you probably would have let me in already.”

What did that even mean? Was she scared? Of course she was. But how did Zayn know that? Better yet, why was he calling her out on it? They never had this problem before. They danced around each other and occasionally playful, non-awkward Emma would come out to play and they would flirt. But Zayn never called her out on it when she would abruptly stop or back away. After that one kiss they shared he didn’t try again. He showed restraint. So why now? Why was he pushing at her edges and being nice at the same time?

“I don’t know what to say?” Emma laughed nervously as she fiddled with her long blonde locks. “What am I meant to be scared of?”

Zayn frowned. “You tell me,” he said with a slight shrug. “I can’t quite figure out if you’re scared of me or your feelings for me.”

Emma’s chest suddenly felt tight. So he knew. Shaking her head, Emma bit out a nervous laugh and turned away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Zayn’s eyebrows shot up. “Denial’s not just a river in Egypt, you know.”

Emma couldn’t help but laugh. That was such a ridiculous saying but Zayn made it work somehow.

“I think that proves it,” Zayn said with a smirk as he inched closer. “You laughed at my stupid joke.”

Staring at him, Emma paused. Despite the smirk Zayn looked so open and vulnerable. Her walls were crumbling but she wanted to hold on, she wanted to stay strong. But she couldn’t deny it anymore. Yeah, she was inexperienced and awkward and had no idea what to do or say but that seemed to work for Zayn. And while she maybe once thought that once he got what he wanted he would turn her away and be done with it but now she knew him. They were friends. Maybe he was even her best friend.

“Yeah,” Emma agreed softly, caught between not knowing want to say and not wanting to say too much. But “yeah” was enough. Zayn’s eyes lit up and his smirk fell away and turned into a smile as he stepped closer.

“That’s good,” he murmured as his hand slipped under her hair and cupped the back of her neck. Emma shivered as his thumb ran along her jaw making Zayn smile. “I’ve been going crazy, thinking about you all semester. But then lately, after that panic attack you had at the pitch.” He shook his head. “I was sat in my room, worried you would have another and nobody would know or be there for you.”

The concern in his voice, his words, on his face, it made Emma want to cry. Before Zayn came along she didn’t know words could affect someone so much. But his did. They made her heart race and her fingers tingle and now that the floodgates were open, she gave in and started to swim. Emma wanted to touch him so she did. Slipping her hands up his chest and over his shoulders, she locked her fingers together behind his head and gave him a smile.

“I’ve not had another,” she told him honestly. “But… if you don’t kiss me and maybe tell me I’m not alone in this, I might…”

Zayn’s smile lit Emma up from head to toe as he inched closer and tilted his head down. Stopping just as his lips brushed hers, Zayn let out a soft laugh as Emma shivered. “You’re not alone, Emma. Not by a long-shot.”

Emma smiled and then melted into the kiss. That was all she needed to hear.