It Just Might Be Me

take note: Some things in this chapter may be considered triggering to some.

Allie was lounging on her couch lazily when her phone rang.

"Hi love." She smiled.

"Allie." He said sullenly into the phone.

"Yeah?"

"You love me, right? And you know I love you, right?" Austin said nervously and exasperatedly into the receiver.

"Of course sweetheart, what's up? You're scaring me."

"I did something stupid."

Allie bit her lip, she said nothing.

"I slept with someone."

There it was. Her heart had dropped, and she stood still in the middle of her living room in shock.

"Allie..." he uttered again.

"No." was all she said.

"Please, just list-"

"Stop." She uttered, her entire body shaking, her eyes filled to the brim with tears.

She felt an anxiety attack coming on as she began to talk.

"You're fucking scum."

"Baby, just-"

"Don't you dare fucking call me baby. I'm not your baby. I fucking trusted you. I loved you. I LOVE you. You KNOW how hard that was for me."

"I know Al, i was drunk. It meant NOTHING."

"Oh, you were drunk, Austin? That makes it okay!" She exclaimed sarcastically.

"I had no idea what was happening, it just happened." he expressed defensively.

'Who was she?"

Austin didn't respond.

"Who. the fuck. was she." She repeated through gritted teeth.

"Crissy."

"Oh. It was your ex girlfriend?" Allie started, beyond livid at this point. "that's the icing on the fucking cake."

"I'm sorry."

"There is no sorry. I'm done. I'm done with you." She cried, hanging up the phone, and flinging it across the room.

She was breathing heavily and shaking with sobs. She found herself sitting on her bathroom floor, sobbing.

She gave him everything. She trusted him. Trust was a huge deal for her, rarely earned by anyone.

"I'm so fucking stupid. I knew it was too good to be true." She shook, grabbing her razor blade, and pressing it to her skin for the first time in almost a year.

She dragged the cool blade down her thigh, leaving little red pools at the surface of her skin.

-

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tino asked Austin, who was laying on Tino's couch. he had been crying.

"I'm a fucking dumb fuck who lost the one thing i fucking loved."

"You shouldn't have slept with your ex, you idiot." Tino yelled.

"I was drunk!"

"Not too drunk to defend yourself."

"You don't think i'm sorry?" He asked, his eyes red and puffy.

"I know you're sorry. She probably knows you're sorry too. That doesn't mean she'll take you back." Tino expressed realistically.

Austins expression sunk further.

'i need her. I am NOT losing her."

"It's been three weeks. She hasn't replied to your texts, calls, or anything. I'm pretty sure you've lost her. If she wanted you, she'd let you know."

"Thanks for sparing my feelings." Austin replied sarcastically.

"You've been laying on my couch like a depressed fuck all week. Have you done ANYTHING productive?"

Austin nodded and pushed a sheet of paper to Tino.

"REPEATING APOLOGIES" was written across the top of the page.

"New song?" Tino asked.

Austin nodded.

[i/] I hope you know,
I swear I’ve never done this before,
And I care, I’m so sorry
Scarred you for life, please come back to me,
Down on my knees, repeating apologies

Why do I deny the heart that’s grown colder?
Too quick to criticize the lullaby
Why do I deny the heart that’s grown colder?
Too quick to criticize…
Sweet serenity…. I wish you, sweet serenity

Back on mistakes I’ve made, please come home to me.
I’ll show you truth. I’m all for you
I’ll hold your hand, ease your mind, yeah we’ll be okay,
Repeating apologies…

"This is good. This is really good." Tino admitted.

"I guess." Austin shrugged.

"We should figure out some music and play it on our set. Tour starts next week." Tino reminded him.

"Of course the tour starts in New York. Why wouldn't it/" Austin complained sarcastically.

"Maybe she'll be at the show, hear the song, and fall back in love with you."

"You think she fell out of love with me?" Austin said sadly, his voice shaky.

"Thats not what she told me. She's still madly in love with you. She lost every ounce of trust she had for you, though. You hurt her more than Travis and you never even laid a hand on her."

That last sentence felt like a slap in the face. His eyes stung with tears as he fought back the flood.

"Try to get some sleep."

-

"Allie, you need to eat something."

She just shook her head.

She was laying in her bed, while Lily tried to get her to do something. Anything.

"I wish I were dead." Allie said emotionlessly as Lily rolled her eyes.

"No you don't."

"He asked me to MARRY him." She cried exasperatedly as Lily stroked her back.

"He's a fucking moron for losing you." Lily consoled.

"No he isn't. He's an amazing guy who did a stupid thing."

"Don't give him the benefit of the doubt." Lily scowled.

"Well why the fuck not?" She started harshly, but eventually broke into sobs. "I love him."

"I know."