Status: let me know what you think of Zac and Cole :]
My Heart Will Go On
5
Carrying myself through the back door may be one of the hardest things I have ever done. When I step through I find myself standing in our dark and empty kitchen, the only light coming from the tall arched windows above the door. Dust particles dance in the sun beams and I stare at them for a while wishing that I could be one, too.
Zac squeezes me hand and then lets go. I take that to mean that I should go to my family--what's left of them at least.
I slip my shoes off and move cautiously to the front hallway. I run my finger up the railing of the stairs as I take each and every step up to the second floor. I hear someone speaking softly in Ruthie and Annie's room.
When my grandfather died I was too young to fully understand. I cried only because everyone else was crying. I cried because I had never seen my mom cry. I remember she came into my room and tried to explain death to me. I couldn't quite grasp the concept because I kept asking her when he would be back.
I'm sure that's how Ruthie feels. Like Mom and Dad are going to be gone for longer than we thought, but that they will eventually be back. She may not fully understand until she's older and I'm almost grateful for that.
I turn left at the top step and continue down the hall until I reach Ruthie and Annie's room. Lily is sitting on Ruthie's fluffy, pink twin bed talking to our three younger siblings. When I enter the room, Lily looks up to see me and gives me a sad smile. I look back at her with a blank expression.
Patrick jumps off of the bed and comes running to me holding his arms out and crying hysterically. I begin to bend down to hug him but when he reaches me, he hits me repeatedly in the stomach. I don't react but allow him to continue to strike my abdomen. Behind Pat, Ruthie's eyes are wide with shock. She slides off the bed, her little feet making a soft thump on the hard wood floor.
"Pattie!" She screams trying unsuccessfully to pry him away from me. He continues to swing at me. Lily stands up and slowly makes her way toward me. She takes Patrick firmly by the shoulders and pulls him back, crossing her arms around his chest.
Patrick breathes loudly trying to catch his breath. Annie is still sitting on the bed, staring at the wall behind me. It doesn't look like she's cried at all either.
I ignore Patrick, Lily, and Ruthie and cross the room to sit on the bed with Annie. Her auburn hair is pulled out of her face and clipped above her left ear. She looks at me unblinking. Her pink lips are slightly parted as if she wants to speak.
Was it only just yesterday that we were smiling in the kitchen? That Patrick still looked like a tough little kid? Now everyone looks so helpless. Annie won't look at me anymore. Ruthie climbs onto the bed and begins to play with Annie's hair, attempting to braid it.
Lily looks concerned. She puts her hand on Patrick's shoulder and begins to lead him to his room.
"Where's Grandma?" I ask.
Lily turns around slowly. "Probably sleeping." She says quietly, "She was crying all night."
Lily and Patrick leave the room and I follow. When they continue to walk to Patrick's room, I head down the stairs to the kitchen. Zac's sitting on one of the bar stools staring at the granite counter top. When he sees me he stands up quickly.
"You okay?" He asks.
I nod. "I'm fine." I say. It's sad that I'm fine and I can see the disappointment in Zac's eyes but he doesn't say anything.
We stand in silence for a while and when Grandma comes in wearing her pink robe and fuzzy black slippers, it's eleven in the morning.
"Hello, Dear." She says with an attempted smile. "Breakfast?"
I shake my head no.
"The lawyer is coming by soon." She says quietly.
The family lawyer with my parents' will is what she's talking about I suppose. The paper that will tell us where we will be living from now on. They probably thought that they would never have to use it.
***
Zac squeezes me hand and then lets go. I take that to mean that I should go to my family--what's left of them at least.
I slip my shoes off and move cautiously to the front hallway. I run my finger up the railing of the stairs as I take each and every step up to the second floor. I hear someone speaking softly in Ruthie and Annie's room.
When my grandfather died I was too young to fully understand. I cried only because everyone else was crying. I cried because I had never seen my mom cry. I remember she came into my room and tried to explain death to me. I couldn't quite grasp the concept because I kept asking her when he would be back.
I'm sure that's how Ruthie feels. Like Mom and Dad are going to be gone for longer than we thought, but that they will eventually be back. She may not fully understand until she's older and I'm almost grateful for that.
I turn left at the top step and continue down the hall until I reach Ruthie and Annie's room. Lily is sitting on Ruthie's fluffy, pink twin bed talking to our three younger siblings. When I enter the room, Lily looks up to see me and gives me a sad smile. I look back at her with a blank expression.
Patrick jumps off of the bed and comes running to me holding his arms out and crying hysterically. I begin to bend down to hug him but when he reaches me, he hits me repeatedly in the stomach. I don't react but allow him to continue to strike my abdomen. Behind Pat, Ruthie's eyes are wide with shock. She slides off the bed, her little feet making a soft thump on the hard wood floor.
"Pattie!" She screams trying unsuccessfully to pry him away from me. He continues to swing at me. Lily stands up and slowly makes her way toward me. She takes Patrick firmly by the shoulders and pulls him back, crossing her arms around his chest.
Patrick breathes loudly trying to catch his breath. Annie is still sitting on the bed, staring at the wall behind me. It doesn't look like she's cried at all either.
I ignore Patrick, Lily, and Ruthie and cross the room to sit on the bed with Annie. Her auburn hair is pulled out of her face and clipped above her left ear. She looks at me unblinking. Her pink lips are slightly parted as if she wants to speak.
Was it only just yesterday that we were smiling in the kitchen? That Patrick still looked like a tough little kid? Now everyone looks so helpless. Annie won't look at me anymore. Ruthie climbs onto the bed and begins to play with Annie's hair, attempting to braid it.
Lily looks concerned. She puts her hand on Patrick's shoulder and begins to lead him to his room.
"Where's Grandma?" I ask.
Lily turns around slowly. "Probably sleeping." She says quietly, "She was crying all night."
Lily and Patrick leave the room and I follow. When they continue to walk to Patrick's room, I head down the stairs to the kitchen. Zac's sitting on one of the bar stools staring at the granite counter top. When he sees me he stands up quickly.
"You okay?" He asks.
I nod. "I'm fine." I say. It's sad that I'm fine and I can see the disappointment in Zac's eyes but he doesn't say anything.
We stand in silence for a while and when Grandma comes in wearing her pink robe and fuzzy black slippers, it's eleven in the morning.
"Hello, Dear." She says with an attempted smile. "Breakfast?"
I shake my head no.
"The lawyer is coming by soon." She says quietly.
The family lawyer with my parents' will is what she's talking about I suppose. The paper that will tell us where we will be living from now on. They probably thought that they would never have to use it.
***