My Heart Will Go On

I remember when I was young, me and Lily would come outside on the beach behind Grandma's at night to look for crabs. We would carry our two little flashlights and squeal if a crab touched our bare feet. Now, even my relationship with Lily has been strained.

I walk down the long stretch of beach that leads to my house, secretly hoping to see Zac. I am looking down at my feet for a while but when the wind begins to blow up behind me, I turn my head to look out at the ocean.

A beautifully colored sailboat is slicing through the cyan water a distance ahead of me. I have never been on a sailboat, although it's something I have always wanted to do, one of the things that me and Zac planned to do together.

I am absorbed in such deep thought that I don't hear Tommy yell my name.

"Karolyne!" I hear him finally when he's probably said my name at least five times. I stop walking and take in my friend's lanky figure. Beside him is Cole.

The two move toward me, Cole at a more reserved pace. "Hey," Tommy says when he reaches me.

Usually he would pull me into some obnoxious hug. Not anymore. He keeps his relative distance.

"Hey, Tommy," I say.

"How are you?" He asks. "We haven't talked since..." he trails off.

"I'm fine. Just haven't felt like talking much." I look at Cole who stands there with his hands deep in the pockets of his khaki shorts.

"I've missed you," Tommy says quietly. "Zac's missed you so much, though. He always wonders about you but he's afraid to talk to you."

I look up into Tommy's face, shielding my eyes with my hand. "I'd like to see him," I say. "Where is he?"

Tommy gives me a brief smile. "He's home. I'll go with you."

I smile back at him. Lately everyone's seen me as solemn and depressing. I miss the way I used to be.

"Hey, Cole." I say as the three of us begin to make our way to Zac's.

"Hey." He says nothing more. He's quiet but I have a feeling he's not shy. He's like me.

****

When we reach Zac's house, Tommy and Cole sit on the beach and let me go alone. I knock on Zac's door and it is opened almost immediately.

"Kare." Zac says, his face registering shock. He gives me a sad smile and stares at me, clearly not knowing how to react.

I decide it would be appropriate for me to hug him. He is my best friend.

He accepts the hug, wrapping his strong arms around me. "I've missed you so much, Kare," he whispers.

Of course I've missed him, too. But how do I tell him that, for some reason or another, nothing can ever be the same between us? Not in the sense that we can't be friends anymore. Just that we can never have that "thing" that we used to have. The thing that practically made us believe we were soul mates.

When I pull away, I suggest that we join Tommy and Cole. He hesitates. It's probably not what he would expect after we haven't talked in months, but I'd rather not have one-on-one time with him for now. I'm not comfortable with it yet. Not the way I used to be.

***