Daddy's Little Girl

Dear Journal,
You know how when all you want is for something to go away, it just keeps popping up everywhere? As soon as you think it's gone, it shows up again! Just to remind you that you can never really escape it and it will forever be there, making your life a living hell. That's my father. Even when he's not there, he's still there.

Tonight, my mom and I went over to Uncle Eric's house for dinner. Eric Staal isn't really my uncle, he's just such a close friend that he's considered family. He has been my mom's best friend for years. Since way before I was even born. Incidentally, he's also best friends with my father. Uncle Eric actually brought my mom and father together. I would be mad at him for this, but he's the closest thing I have to a father figure. And I love that he's always there for me.

This dinner at Uncle Eric's wasn't just one of our regular dinners there that happen at least twice a week. His son, Parker, was in town tonight. I grew up with Parker and his brother Levi; Parker being five years older than me and Levi being only three years older. I'll let you in on a little secret, pointless journal. Parker Staal was my first kiss. It meant the world to me when I was younger and had the biggest crush on him, but now I'm just like, "well, that's awkward."

Back on topic, now Parker is following in the footsteps of his dad and made it to the NHL. Taking it by storm, might I add. He's only twenty-three years old and has already accomplished so much. As captain of the Boston Bruins, Parker had a Stanley Cup an World Championship under his belt. Only an Olympic Gold Metal away from the being in the Triple Gold Club just like his father. An Olympic Gold which he was going to get a chance at winning next February. He's in town tonight for an afternoon game that the Bruins played against the Hurricanes earlier today. Unfortunately, the Bruins won, and now Parker is going to hold it over my head for awhile.

"I talked to your dad yesterday," Parker spoke randomly while the two of us were watching a movie in his basement while my mom, Uncle Eric, and Aunt Tanya were upstairs cleaning up dinner. I cringed at his statement and how casually he said it. Plus, the word 'dad' in reference to my life disgusts me.

"That's fascinating, Park," I sarcastically replied, never turning my attention away from the movie in front of us. I know that the Maple Leafs played the Bruins last night on their way back up to Toronto. That doesn't mean that I wanted to talk about it. Parker knows that I hate talking or even thinking about my father so I had no idea why he brought this up, The conversation died for about five minutes, enough to make me think that it was over, until Parker brought it back up.

"He wanted me to tell him about you." I rolled my eyes and reached for the remote sitting on the coffee table between the couch and the TV, wordlessly telling him to shut up. "I may have done something you'll be mad at me for."

I turned my head slightly to the right and glared at him out of the corner of my eye and pursed my lips to show him that I was already getting angry so he might as well continue. When I didn't say anything, he snatched the remote out of my hand and turned the TV off so all I had to focus on was him.

"What is it, Park? What did you tell my father?" I questioned angrily, my voice starting to rise.

"I told him that you're trying out for the Olympic team this summer."

"Ex-fucking-cuse me?!" I screamed at him in a shocked, high pitched voice that I deny ever having.

"Bec, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I swear. It just kinda slipped out. What else was I supposed to do? Just tell him that I didn't know about anything going on with you? He would know that's a lie," Parker rambled on as panic instantly took over him. He knew better than get me this riled up. I don't really have control over the violence that could follow.

"Then lie to him, asshole! That's better than telling him truth like that!" I continued to yell even when I heard our parents start to make their way downstairs to see what all the commotion was about.

"Rebecca, don't yell at Parker like that," my mom chastised me and I couldn't hold back the roll of my eyes. Parker deserved it. "You're acting like a child."

"No, Aunt Rachael, she has every right to be mad. I screwed up." Damn straight, he did. My mom and his dad both gave him questioning looks as if telling him to further explain the situation. "I talked to Uncle Jeff last night." My jaw tightened and my fists clenched as Parker called my father, Uncle Jeff. It's just not right. Uncle Eric saw my reacting and instantly put his hands on my shoulders to attempt to calm me down. "And I told him about Becca trying out for the hockey Olympic team."

"Oh no," Uncle Eric mumbled under his breath. He knew something worse was about to happen.

"Don't worry about it, Park. I told him about it when the decision was made," my mother announced so Parker would be let off the hook.

"What the hell?!" I exclaimed and Uncle Eric gripped my shoulders tighter to keep me where I was. He knew things could get violent. I have a bit of a short temper, especially when anything having to do with my father comes up. Even though I rarely ever actually see or talk to my father, he always seems to come up in conversation and I absolutely hate it.

"Don't be a drama queen, Rebecca. He's your father and has a right to know," she told me using the stern mothering voice that I hated. My mom and I are really close and growing up, she was more of a best friend or older sister type person to me than a mother.

My parents were relatively young when I was born. Not "16 and Pregnant" young, but my father was twenty-two and my mom had just turned nineteen. My mom has always been younger than all my friends' moms. The fact that she's a young mom has always brought us closer together. Having her use the stern mothering voice with me was out of the ordinary and only made me more upset.

"Exactly. He's my father. So it's my decision if he should know or not. It's not like he's your husband." I could see the hurt in her eyes the second the words left my mouth. Causing me to instantly regret them. I hated when I caused my mom pain.

"That doesn't mean I don't love him," she replied forcefully, as if she wasn't hurt at all. She was very stubborn this way; never wanting her true feelings to come out for fear of it showing weakness. I guess I get that from her because I am exactly the same way.

I simply rolled my eyes and began to walk away, angrily pulling my shoulders out of Uncle Eric's grasp. I stormed up the stairs and grabbed the car keys off the counter where my mom had left them. I was half the way to the front door to leave when my mom, Uncle Eric, Aunt Tanya, and Parker came barreling up from the basement asking me where I was going. I didn't bother answering any of their questions as they followed me to the door. I opened it, stepped out, but before I closed to behind me, I turned to look back at my mother and said one final thing before leaving.

"If he loved you, like you still love him, we shouldn't be in this mess."

And that's why I'm afraid to go home.

That's why, journal, this is written on the back of a learn to skate class form sheet and I'm sleeping on a bench in a locker room at my local ice rink tonight.