Survival

I was in my bedroom in the spaceship, hanging up my towel after a nice relaxing shower, when there was a knock on the door. All I wanted to do was preen my feathers and go to sleep, not talk to anyone. I remained silent, hoping that whoever it was would just leave. Another knock. Go away…

“Marion, I know you’re in there. Open up,” Toby’s voice called out. My body instantly filled with nerves. I didn’t want to talk to him. It was a mere few hours after we had returned from battle, which meant he’d still be angry at me for following them. But I couldn’t just ignore our leader. I forced my legs to move over to the door, unlock it and then open it slightly. I met Tobias’ eyes, unable to detect any emotions. I didn’t know what to expect.

“What do you want?” I asked in a quiet voice, gripping onto the door in case he tried to push past.

“I want to discuss what happened today,” he replied simply. I didn’t budge. “Look, you can’t avoid this. You stepped out of line, and as the leader I have to push you back. We may as well get this over and done with.” That was true. At least if he scolded me now I’d be able to sleep and not worry about what he was going to say, or do to punish me.

“Fine,” I muttered as I stepped aside and let go of door, allowing for him to come into my dull grey room. Tobias shut the door and went to stand in the middle of my room. I avoided his eyes as I went over to the edge of my large bed and moved my right wing forward. I had no idea what he was going to say. Perhaps it would just be the usual kind of telling me off and he’d issue a warning, but then again, this time was different. I had actively fought in the battle, and a female doing that was unheard of.

“I don’t know what to do with you…” Tobias began in a rather quiet voice. I used my nails to grab a feather and ran them down the side to smooth out the barbs. “You ignore any advice I give you and consistently try to defy me. I am your friend and your leader. How is that not enough for you to listen and obey, and respect me?” His words caught me slightly off guard.

“What? I do respect you, especially as a leader. It’s definitely not about me thinking you’re a bad leader or anything,” I replied as I moved on to another feather.

“Well what is it then? Because that’s what it seems like, and that’s what others think too. If the group starts to lose hope and faith in me, then we won’t win this war!” Tobias said, his voice getting a bit louder. I knew my behaviour annoyed him, but I didn’t realise it was making the group doubt him as a leader. “You have to stay in line, Marion! Our race depends on it!”

“I-” I began, halting myself so I could find the right words. “I just know that I can’t contribute otherwise. I don’t want to stay here all day doing female tasks, that’s just not who I am! I’m good at fighting, and with some training I’d be even better! I just- I don’t belong…” My hands dropped from my wing and into my lap. Saying that out loud made it suddenly impact on me. It was so true. In a way, it was like I was in the wrong body. My talents were a male’s skills.

“I won’t pretend I understand, because I don’t know what it’s like to feel like that,” he said after a pause. There was a softness in his voice again, reminding me more of the Toby I had grown up with. “But can you understand how much this is disrupting the group? You have to put aside your personal desires and do good for all of us.”

“I’ve tried…” I whispered, looking up at him. “Like I said, I don’t want to overthrow you or anything, and I don’t want the group to die. We have to survive, and this is how I can help. Not by sewing, not by cooking, but by fighting. By saving your life!” He just had to believe me. This was what my heart had wanted for so long, why I had practiced in isolation and in secret.

“I can’t let you… It’s just not right,” Toby quietly said, looking away at the floor. “I care for you. You’re my dear friend. Me being the leader has already strained our relationship enough, and I don’t want it to anymore. So please, please respect my decision and leave it be.” My teeth clenched so I wouldn’t talk back. There was no way I would just step down. Doing so would mean I was unhappy, but by doing what I did, I was making Toby sad. That was evident all across his face and his body posture.

“I’ll try…” I said ever so softly, partly hoping he wouldn’t hear me.

“I really hope this is the last time we have to speak like this… It kills me inside,” Toby said. I really must make him miserable… Guilt washed over me as I stared at his exhausted form. Even his feathers seemed a bit unhealthy. I really hoped it wasn’t my fault… “Listen, I have good news.”

“What is it?” I asked, a bit more cheerful. There was a small smile on Tobias’ lips. It must be something important.

“We’ve heard back from one of the other ships.”

“Oh, wow! Really?” I breathed in disbelief. We hadn’t heard from any of them for at least a year now. Naturally, we assumed the worst…

“Yes. You might not remember him, but Otto is now the leader of the ship. He broadcasted to us and asked for our location. They’re almost out of fuel, but think they can make it here because they’re really close by,” he grinned. “More of us… I can’t believe it…” I smiled too. It was a crazy idea. Long ago we had all decided we were the last ones, but I guess we were all wrong.

“I’m very happy to hear that,” I told him, managing to look him in the eyes once more.

“If all goes well, we could gain a huge advantage. Our species really might win… Victory is so close… Peace is so close.” I nodded, completely understanding.

“It’ll be well deserved,” I agreed. Tobias was silent, then straightened up and put his hands in his front pockets.

“I’ll tell the others the good news tomorrow. Most of the males are still exhausted from the attack…” he explained. “I’ll leave you to sleep now.”

“Goodnight, Toby,” I said cheekily. He rolled his eyes briefly as he turned and then walked to the door.

“Goodnight, Marion,” Toby called out. “Behave yourself.” With those last words he shut the door and I hung my head. Of course he had to issue a warning and remind me of the serious talk we had had. Be a female, Marion. Impossible…