That Feels Good To Say

I made eye contact with my best friend from across the table; I could see on his face that he could read me perfectly right now. Why was I always so obvious? Most people can contain their feelings, but I guess your best friend is supposed to always know what you’re thinking. Why did Matt have to be so bloody good at it though?

I didn’t think I was a very...open person, and well, in a way, I guess I wasn’t. Hence why I was living in this spiral of lies that I’d wriggled myself into, with my model girlfriend sat on my lap, the person I was deeply in love with sat beside me. Why was I living this lie? Because I was scared. I was a coward, and I’ll never deny that. It was just...never in my plan to be...well...gay.

No, even the word feels wrong; I’m Josh Franceschi, I’m not gay. I was a rockstar, in a band, thousands of girls wanted me, even if it was just for the night. How could I like a GUY? I’m not Sean Smith. But no, here I was, ‘heterosexual’ Josh Fran-fucking-ceschi, struggling to come to terms with my sexual confusion. Oh, if the fans could see me now.

This isn’t a new discovery, oh no, as if it could possibly be. I’ve been fighting this mental battle of mine for about 4 or 5 years now, since I first met him, really. Of course, it wasn’t so bad when I was younger; I just played it off as a ‘phase’, oh yeah, what a great phase, one that practically RUINED MY LIFE. Yes, I’m a drama queen, get over it.

I guess I could use the ridiculous term ‘love at first sight’ to explain what happened to me and him, but it wasn’t really love; it was more of a crush that made me want to end my life. He was SUCH a chav. He had a cap on, a CAP, we were inside! Who does that? All he was missing was an Umbro tracksuit and a few STDs, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. He was mesmerising, everything about him. He may be a bit, thuggish, but he was still beautiful.

And now, now he was more than beautiful. He was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Sure, I’d been out with models, but they were nothing in comparison to him. Nobody was anything in comparison to Dan Flint. The name alone gave me butterflies, and it was in that moment that I wondered why I was even questioning if I was gay or not – getting butterflies over a guy is NOT normal. In any way.

Matt sort of, found out, a while ago. I don’t know how, I always thought I hid it well, but apparently not. Yeah sure, me and Dan flirted a lot, but that was just a practical joke, something between friends; nothing more. Well, not for him anyway. I wanted to tell him, but then I didn’t. I was driving myself insane, arguing with myself over whether telling him that I was desperately in love with him was a good idea or the worst I’d ever had. My gut told me it would end everything, most importantly the band. I couldn’t do that; it wouldn’t be fair to the other guys, to the fans, or even to myself to do that. This band is all I have, it’s not like I was good in school or anything, music was all I could actually do.

I was going to do it. Tonight, at the party round Max’s house, I was going to tell Dan Flint that I’m in love with him. Wish me luck.

--------------------------------------------------------------
So...remember what I said about telling Dan how I felt tonight? Well, that didn’t go as well as I’d planned. And right now, my girlfriend was all over me. She wasn’t even supposed to be here! She said she couldn’t make it, but no, here she was, attached to my side like she couldn’t bear to be without me.

I sighed, peeling the gorgeous girl away from me, “Rach, Rach,” I started, looking into the smash girl’s eyes. God, she was more of a lightweight than Max. “I need to speak to Dan for a while, why don’t you go back with the rest of the girlfriends? They’re leaving now”

The dark-haired girl looked at me in confusion for a few seconds, before she nodded with a pout. I rolled my eyes, leaning forward to quickly press my lips against her’s. I felt nothing. Just like I expected.

I pretty much shoved her off with the rest of them, seeing the drunken group of girls almost falling out of the door, as they attempted to leave while they still had SOME dignity left. Dan was the only member of You Me At Six without a girlfriend, which gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t like girls. Knowing my luck though, he’d be into cats instead or something. Sigh.

I downed the drink in my hand, quickly manoeuvring around the packed flat, searching for the stunning boy. I found him, sat alone on a bar stool in Max’s kitchen. There was no one else in the kitchen, other than a passed out Max surrounded by empty beer bottles that probably weren’t all his, and a lot of empty cigarette packets that DEFINITELY couldn’t ALL be his, otherwise he would definitely be suffering some sort of lung cancer by now.

I dropped down into the stool next to Dan’s, silently wondering if he’d even heard me, considering he’d made no indication that he was aware of my presence. This was Dan though, he had to know I was here; he was the quiet, all seeing, all hearing type. He didn’t seem happy, but I knew Dan, and if he was angry, he would be kicking holes in walls by now. Luckily for Max, he clearly wasn’t.

“Hey,” I mumbled, speaking quietly, even though the music was blaring and I had every reason to be shouting. Dan nodded towards me, a half smile gracing his lips. “How’s the night been for you?”

“Alright,” he replied, “I’m not that much of a party person, as I’m sure you can guess” he chuckled, taking a sip from his drink.

I nodded, biting my lip as I tried to think of the best way to do this. You can’t back down now, Josh, you can’t back down now. I was screaming in my head, mainly insulting myself over and over again, threatening myself, really. Suddenly, one flew out of my mouth.

“You absolute fucking bellend!” I yelled, only realising that I was speaking, when Dan looked at me like my head had just exploded. Oh god. Well fucking done. “N-not you,” I stuttered, laughing uneasily, “I meant to say that in my head” I could feel my cheeks heating up, the embarrassment settling in as Dan chuckled at me. I’m such an idiot.

“Oh, Josh,” he sighed, “What are we going to do with you, aye?” he teased, his blue eyes shining slightly, though I wasn’t sure whether that was from alcohol or something else, but I liked it, whatever it was.

I blushed a deeper shade of red, quickly standing up to leave the kitchen, in a vain attempt to salvage my reputation, although I doubt it’s a very good one already. “Uhm, I’m just going to er, find Matt” I muttered, avoiding eye contact. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Josh! Wait!” He called, making me stop in my tracks, “I didn’t mean to embarrass you, I was just messing around. Come on, sit down, tell me what you came here to say” he smiled sweetly, pointing to the stool next to him, where I was sat a minute or so before.

I swallowed my pride, re-taking the seat. I took a deep breath, trying to find the words to say, as I stared silently into his eyes. Oh god, his eyes. I felt myself drowning in them, which only added to how much of a dick I felt like. Why was I such an embarrassment? I should just end my own life, shouldn’t I? Oh dear god.

I opened my mouth, willing the words to flow, but before I even had a chance to pathetically spit them out, a pair of lips came crashing down against mine. My eyes widened in shock. Dan Flint was kissing ME? Dan Flint, the picture of perfection, was allowing his precious lips to touch mine? Is this a dream? Because I’m pretty sure I remember having one similar to this before, no, no, it definitely had to be a dream.

After a couple seconds of hesitation, I kissed back, edging the boy mouth open to slide my tongue in. Our tongues fought for dominance, as my arms wrapped around his shoulders. It was like everything I’d ever dreamed of and more, this was it, he was kissing me. Oh, why hadn’t we done this before? Why, why, why?

Before I could become truly lost in the kiss though, I heard a cough from behind me. Me and Dan broke apart, both turning to see who had interrupted us. I breathed a sigh of relief when I realised it was Matt, that could’ve been awkward if it wasn’t him. He gave a thumbs up and a wink, before he left the room again, leaving just me and Dan.

We looked at each other again, giant smiles on our faces, as we both leant forward to press our lips against each other’s again. It was then that I realised that yes, yes, I am gay. I’ll admit it, I’m just as gay as Sean Smith. Wow, that feels good to say.

I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay.

“I’M GAY!” I screamed in Dan’s face, as our lips separated, not realising AGAIN that I wasn’t inside my head anymore. Well done, Josh, you fucking idiot.