The Fiercest Battle

Battle! The first thing that comes to mind is War, the fiercest type of battle where blood is spilled for country, religion or difference. Yet the most common and recurring battle is that of Romance, love. It is actually this hard, emotion and mind taxing battle that is the fiercest of all battles! Yes, no blood is shed, usually, but unlike War, it is a constant throughout life. Only brief reprieves occur, allowing your emotions to settle again, your mind to tarry on some other thought or topic, before you find yourself amidst the blood boiling battlefield once again.

I myself only happened upon this realisation whilst walking the sorrow shadowed streets of my neighbourhood that night, my nerves on edge as I’d tried to avoid conflict, yet found myself being selfishly drawn in by my partner, or so I led myself to believe.

The howling wind whispered through a second voice like a ghostly epitome of my beloved, Why do you do this? Do you want to lose me?

I batted it away with an invisible hand composed from my thoughts, Clearly you don’t care about me; you would have thought about what you were saying before you said it.

Turning onto Newton Road I found my thoughts being drowned out by the passing cars, surprisingly abundant at so late an hour. It was a short journey on that road before I turned back onto Hamstead Road, the road that had led me towards the side street, bringing me to Newton Road. Drunk on my own emotional tide of annoyance, hurt and anger, I continued my late hour crusade. The pavements of Hamstead Road would know the cut of my trainers, my weight, the way I angled my body as I lifted the weight off one foot and put it onto the other, and just exactly how I was feeling!

Chilled, I drew my hood over my head, hoping to lock in more of the warmth that my body created. The new hair cut I’d received the night before was proving to be a disadvantage for the cold of the night. A strong breeze forced me to grip the rim of my hood, less I leave it to be thrown off and return to a more unlikeable temperature.

“She has no idea what she does!” I exclaimed.

“How can she not?” I challenged myself, hardly taking note of the three boys crowding a wall, liquid trailing from their location at three different points.

“Because why would she purposely do something to hurt me?” this question stuck for a while before the other half of me, my more negative and argumentative side, gave his input.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he said in a slightly bemused, yet serious, way that called for my attention. “She wants to be rid of you!”

I looked on in disbelief; my heart had accumulated in speed from the moment the conversation had started. A car door creaked open as a late leaver, a teacher, got in after leaving the school.

“No, if she’d wanted to get rid of me she’d just break up with me!” It wasn’t a statement, and it wasn’t reassuring. The dark seed of the idea had been planted!

The other me sniggered. “Break up with you?” he asked. “And have you begging for her to stay? To give you another chance? That it will be different because, let me guess... you can change?” He stopped momentarily as if to let the words sink in. “Don’t be daft! Better to make you break up with her. Requires more effort, but hey, it’s a more effective way.”

“She’d never think like that! She’s not the type of person to linger around, dragging things out for her own personal gain!” I refuted. He laughed, clearly amused by what he deemed to be me being naive. A hushed silence fell upon my mind at that time. I hadn’t realised the conversation that had occurred was all within my head.

Crunch! The dry leaves that littered my path couldn’t withstand the burden of my weight, their dry spines cracking under the pressure. It was as if they imitated me metaphorically. I felt I could no longer withstand the pressure from the full weight of my relationship, and maybe I too would soon snap, a brittle, dried leaf, unable to withstand the pressures of romance.

A fox. Both he and I suddenly paused. Our eyes connected, and for a moment I found myself almost delusional, glimpsing a wild intelligence behind the creatures amber eyes. His muzzle twitched as he sorted through the scents that battered his noise.

Cautiously, almost tenderly; as if he was scared of hurting a wounded paw upon the ground, the fox took a step. Then he took another. Brrr Brrr! The fox leapt up in surprise as Eminem’s voice came alive inside my jean pocket. I watched as the animal darted away towards a gate, nimbly dropping on to his belly and crawling through.

I pulled my still ringing mobile from my pocket. “Hello?” I answered in a low voice, robbed of all excitement and joy by the day’s events.

“What’s wrong with you?!” questioned my girlfriend Diana. It was a rhetorical question, or so I’d thought until her voice came through the speaker again. “Well?”

“Well what?” I retorted annoyed, “There isn’t anything wrong with me!”

“So you’ve just blatantly ignored me for the last two hours for what? Because that’s normal?”

“No, I ignored you because unlike you, I would prefer to calm down before I try and discuss things,” I paused for a moment before deciding to add, “Oh, but you weren’t angry though were you? Just chucking things about the past here and there thinking everything would still be all fine and dandy, just a heated discussion as you say!”

I’d started to pick up in volume as I spoke, anger once again beginning to break through the walls of patience I’d tried to build in front of it. There was no doubt that I had an anger issue. No doubt at all, but anyone would have lost their cool, any normal person, when having past mistakes thrown at them.

Frustratingly trying to make amends for something you know was your own fault, something that cannot really ever be amended, something that gnaws away at your already unstable mind, was a challenge in itself, but knowing that your foolish actions had such a severe consequence upon your loved one was unbearable.

A cool breeze kicked up and caressed my face. I strained myself, sealing off the crumbling wall of patience temporarily. “Diana, I’m outside! I’m heading back home so can I talk to you then?”

She sighed, “Whatever Gavin! Bye!”

Beep Beep! The call was cut off and I could almost feel my muscles beginning to tense in order to throw the phone! I was sick of this annoying occurrence! I was sick of being angry! Sick of hurling abuse because my mind had clouded with raw negative emotions! I was sick of never seeming to live up to her expectations. I was sick of being the failure of a person that was named Gavin Greer.

I fought back these waves of emotions that battered on the gates of my sanity! To let them break down my fortifications would be to accept death! We may have a long way to go, but I would not leave her of my own free will!

Running, I crossed the distance of Hamstead Road quickly. Soon becoming worn out I slowed to a jog, then a brisk walk. I wasn’t the healthiest of people. Though I tried to do exercise, I almost always ended up distracted with games, reading, writing, or some other activity. Like a sixth sense I could tell that I was gaining weight. I didn’t deny it. I didn’t try not to think of it. But I sure hadn’t started helping myself to lose it or keep it maintained. That was one good thing about the argument I guess if I tried to look for something positive.

My head throbbed as I came upon Hamstead hill Park, taking the alley way onto Beauchamp Avenue in order to transcend the hill of Hamstead Hall Avenue to my destination, Elmbank Grove. For the first time I didn’t feel like I was overexerting myself on this hill. Maybe it was due to the thoughts flowing in my head? The questions that were now swarming? Only one truly stood out to me however. As I reached Elmbank Grove, standing under the glow of a streetlamp, I spoke the question aloud unawares to my own voice.

“Why does she not understand?”

I myself was not in denial about the fact that I too sometimes did not understand, however it seemed as if Diana just allowed things to ruin our relationship! Allowed... Was that really the right word? And was it really Diana who did that?

“I can’t change the past...,” I sighed.

I still hadn’t moved from the spot under the light of the streetlamp. Staring up into the sky I was mesmerised by the white spots of light that covered it. Stars. I felt insignificant under their unblinking watch. Just a mere person on the surface of a planet, yet each conversation, each interaction, each moment, each argument, I had with Diana was as significant as the warmth and light of the blazing sun.

Any one of those aspects of our relationship could make or break us! Every emotion, every misunderstanding, every laugh, every cry, was part of a deep struggle in our love to keep us together, to pull us apart. Ultimately, it was up to us to decide what would happen in the end, and right now, my actions were pulling us apart.

My body seemed to continue with the last legs of the journey without a thought from me as I let out a sigh. I was too wrapped up in the conflict inside my head. Had I been too self deluded? Too caught up in only one aspect of the discussion instead of looking at the situation in its entirety? My previous convictions were faltering, now I’d begun to doubt whether I’d gotten angry for a substantial reason. Yes, I knew my anger issues had escalated it, but did I have the right to get angry about something that was my own fault?

Arriving back at the house I slipped the key into the keyhole. Turning it ninety degrees I unlocked the door. I was beginning to feel tired, yet agitated with myself, but I knew I couldn’t go to sleep without calling Diana.

Pushing the door to, I entered my house. The dark interior greeted me with a grim look. I closed the door before slipping off my trainers and turning on the light that hung over the staircase.

The darkness that had rivalled that of outside was suddenly alit with an orange glow. Beneath my feet the steps seemed to creak as I began to climb to the top floor. It was the last step I paused on. The step continuously creaked as my weight shifted slightly from side to side, due to my lack of strength to keep balance. Bending down, I lowered myself into a seating position and slumped against the hallway wall whilst my feet refused to leave the refuge of that final step.

A sigh escaped me as I once again pulled my mobile from my pocket. I stared at the screen for a while, her picture canvassing the entire radius of it. There wasn’t a moment in any day that I’d stopped loving her, and today was precisely the same. So why did I feel almost broken? Why did I feel as if my world had capsized in a dark sea of swirling space? I fought back a tear as her number began to appear on the screen, dialled in instinctively like a six sense.

“Hello?” her voice sounded quizzical, as if she’d just answered an unknown call. She knew it was me though. The nickname Gazzy, that she’d bestowed upon me would surely have appeared.

“Hello...,” my voice came out in the monotone pitch of my mood. I wanted to make things better, but I wasn’t going to pretend things were alright. There was a silence between us before I started. It was best I started. I always seemed to react wrong when she did. “Why did you throw those things in my face?”

“I’m not even going to lie. Those are things you’ve done! Those are things that have hurt our relationship! Those are things that seem to pop up whenever I think we’re getting past it all!”

I wasn’t pleased with that answer in the least. Did she not think I knew those were things I’d done? Did she not realise that every second of my life I had to know that it was me who’d hurt the person I loved? The person I was suppose to take such great care of? No. She probably didn’t realise just how much it hurt me.

It was hard to see myself as suitable for her. I’d cheated... What kind of boyfriend would do such a thing? It wasn’t any wonder why her trust for me had fallen. Why any mention of the past seemed to throw her off course. I didn’t want to have to think about it anymore. But that was the problem! My mistake, my stupid major mistake, had almost cost me everything I hold dear.

Was it futile to try and patch things up? Was it Sellotape over cracked glass? Would the trust really get back to one hundred percent? Or was I just being naive? A foolish delusion that my heart and mind both collaborated together to try and make real? I hoped not! For without Diana, I would no longer be of this world!

“I can’t change the past,” I whispered, managing to be just audible enough for her to hear my words. I was silent for a moment. “I’ve made mistakes. I’ve hurt you. But god knows though it’s too late, I’ve been trying to do everything right for you!” I found this wording strange, as I never believed in god but concluded that if there was any higher power, if there was anything watching over us, then it would know how much I’ve tried to prove my worth. Not just to make amends for my mistake, but to also make the person I love happy.
I continued at a low volume, my voice deeper than it usually was when I spoke to her, submerged in heartache and pain. “I try... I really do... Every time I think, this time I’ll show her that I can control my temper... That discussions don’t have to end up in an argument or a shouting competition... But then I let you and myself down... Every single time, it’s the same.” I’d stopped, staring blankly into the space above where my feet rested. “...That’s why sometimes I just think, why doesn’t she just get rid of me? I’m really just a load of trouble for her... She can do so much better.”

“But I don’t want to do any better Gavin! I just want you!” she was still annoyed. I could tell by the sound of her voice, but I could also tell she really cared for me and wouldn’t give up on me. “You get too angry though... It’s like one second we’re talking calmly and the next you’re literally screaming down the phone at me.”

“Like a psycho you mean?”

She was quiet for a while. “Yes, to be honest I won’t take that back. Because that’s the exact impression you give me at those times. Gavin, it’s not just words that matter in a relationship, it is actions, impressions. The way you do things holds such influence.”

“Yes, and I do show you how much I love you! Every single day! Sometimes, maybe you need to see past just the words and see what the words actually embody. I’m not any other guy who’s looking to say the right words here and there in order to get in your pants! I’m your boyfriend Diana! Hopefully, I’ll eventually be your Husband!” my heart had started to beat quicker now. Despite the tension, the previous annoyance and upset, I had re-affirmed that this girl was all I wanted! She was my future! I’d known it, wanted it, but had never voiced it. My heart skipped a beat as a thought slipped into my head. What would she think?

Diana’s voice took on a slightly different tone. It still carried her annoyed emotions, but it brought with it a tinge of excitement. A dash of wonder. A sprinkle of love. “I know that you’re my boyfriend Gazzy...,” she responded. “I know that you show me you love me, but only when you’re happy. Only when we’re together. I need to know that even in the bad times, when you’re angry with me and upset, that you still love me though you know? You need to show me that.”

“Hmm...”

“Hmm?” she questioned.

The response had left my mouth before it had even entered my head. I’d be disappointed by the reply. I chided myself, remembering that we were in the middle of an important discussion. That was probably why she hadn’t thought it good to comment on it. She’d reply to it at a more appropriate time... How I wished it had been now though.

“I’m sorry...,” I said. Oh, how I was sorry for being so immature, letting the anger blind me to exactly what I was causing and what I was pushing further away. “I will get counselling. Things won’t always be like this. They can’t! I want you to be at your happiest when you’re with me, talking to me, thinking of me, or anything to do with me!”

She sighed on the other end of the phone. “But I am always happiest when it comes to you Gazzy,” she soothed. Her words melted the tension from me. “Promise me you won’t go off for hours on end like tonight again please? You don’t realise how worried and scared you make me.”

Tonight I had made things a lot harder than they had to be. Though I’d been annoyed for having my past mistakes thrown at me, I went past what had been called for. I’d cut off the phone, and been out for over two hours until I’d answered her call.

“I promise Diana,” I sniffled happily. “I love you so much!”

“I love you too,” she answered in response, “I hope you do become my husband one day, because I’ll always love you Gazzy! Always!”

I smiled, extra tears of joy bursting through the floodgates of my eyes. Romance might be a battle, but it is a battle worth fighting I thought!

Five years have passed since then, and though we’ve had our ups and downs, we always managed to win the battle. I gazed at the professional photo that had been taken at the wedding. Diana looked beautiful in her white wedding dress, and I believed I looked pretty good in my white wedding suit. It was one of the best days of my life, but not the best. The best day of my life was when I first met you Diana. I smiled to myself after that thought, finding myself becoming drunk on the memories.

“Gavin!” my joy was crudely interrupted as my heart skipped a beat.

“Oh crap!” I sighed as I realised what was about to come.

“YOU SPENT OUR HONEYMOON MONEY!” Diana roared in utter rage.

I could hear her footsteps drawing near the stairs, where no doubt she’d descend to release a full flurry of insults and abuse at me! Serious as my crime was, I couldn’t help but think that the battle really does never end!