***

I’m fiddling with my fingers, sat Indian style on the hard ground of the terrace, ignoring the strands of hair that get caught in my eyelashes. My brain is whirling so fast and my heart seems to be skipping beats, and I think that I might be on the edge of that cliff that you tumble down too quickly and end up in a million pieces at the bottom. But Harry’s quiet as he sits across from me and it makes me feel even worse because I know that no one else would’ve been as patient as him.

When I sigh for the umpteenth time, Harry pulls my hands away from each other and laces one of his much bigger ones through my left one. He uses that hold to pull me closer, so our knees are touching.

“I’m still here,” he murmurs, head lowering so it’s just above mine. “Nothing you say is going to change that.”

Another few skipping heartbeats plunk through my chest and then a rush of heat explodes over my body as I open my mouth and shaky words pour out.

“I set rules for myself, for this job, if you can even call it that. All the other girls I ever met were high all the time and bruised up real bad, always broke because they spent their money on drugs or gave it to some man who beat the shit out of them. But I told myself from the beginning that if I was going to result to doing this, then I was going to be smart because everyone was going to figure that I was nothing but a stupid whore.

“So I did like I said and set up rules, and for a long time it worked. I hated it, always felt dirty… But I got money and managed to stay off the streets, and, to me, that was enough. Then a few weeks ago, I realized I was getting low on cash…” I have to pause here and I do it without thinking, my eyes wide and unblinking as I stare off to the left of where mine and Harry’s hands are resting.

Chewing my bottom lip, the scene of how I’d scrambled for a plan in order to get money runs through my mind. I want to cry as I think about how desperate I’d gotten, about how I’d even ended up having to sell my body in the first place, but I just sniffle and snap my gaze around before settling them on my knees. I can’t look at Harry, not when I I know the words that are about to come out of my mouth.

“I had to do something, but everything I tried didn’t work. If anything, it just made things worse. But then one night… The night we ran into each other, a truck full of guys drove by where I was… Where I was… You know, and they stopped. Two of ‘em asked me how much…” Again, I stop, but this time I pull away from Harry, shrinking back into myself as I forget to wipe away the tears that fall from my eyes.

I go to hide my face in my hands, but he won’t let me. He grabs my wrists before I can slam my eyes into them and uses his free hand to tilt my chin up. I fight him, doing my best to yank away because I don’t want to see what kind of expression he’s wearing.

“It’s okay, Delaney,” he softly says.

“No it’s not!” I exclaim, jerking away from him. “I almost slept with two people because I needed money, Harry! Tell me how that’s okay?” Standing now, I start to pace back and forth, always careful to keep my back to the messy haired boy whose eyes I can feel on me. My head is resting in between my trembling hands as I scale from one end of the tiled balcony to the other. I’m still crying and there are so many thoughts pressing against each other that I feel like I’m going mad. “I was going to fuck two people at the same time, two strangers who were only willing to give me half of what I needed-that’s not okay… That’s disgusting.”

For a while, I just walk around. I don’t look at Harry and he doesn’t try to reach me in anyway; I just pace around while my head throbs and my chest aches. The scenes playing through my mind keep me distracted and every time I remember one of the boys’ fists coming down on me, I feel myself wince. And I try to tell myself to stop—that I shouldn’t be doing this, but I don’t listen and the way I’d gotten so bruised and red and bleeding pushes through till I’m collapsing onto the hard floor in sobs.

Now I realize how big of mistake I’d made, that ignoring that night hadn’t been best for me, no matter how painful it’d been to think back on at the time. The pleas I’d strangled out during the beating were shredding at me now and the way I’d honestly been willing to do whatever they’d wanted in order to get them to stop hitting me rips holes in the calm façade I’d so finely crafted.

As I sit on the floor, beginning to shiver and wrapped around myself, I realize that I really was no better than all those girls who I looked down on. I thought I had some form of control with my rules, that they gave me a bit of power over all the dirty pigs who whipped through my room in a flurry of pants and cheap prices. But now, as I remember how scared I’d been at the hands of those two men, I know that I was just as vulnerable and stupid as the other people who’d resulted to selling themselves.

“You don’t have to tell me anymore,” comes Harry’s voice, making me jump and cower away. He grabs me gently, though, and pulls me into the warmth of his body, and no matter how hard I struggle to get away from him, he won’t stop till I’ve relented into letting him hold me. “And you don’t have to be ashamed, Delaney, or scared.”

“But you don’t understand,” I whimper, having taken to hiding my face in his chest as he combs through my tangled hair with his long fingers.

“Yes, I do. I can see how bad they hurt you—how bad it all hurt you.” I feel his lips press to the top of my head and, even though tears are still scraping down my cheeks and I feel like a canon has shot straight through my body, I let him pull my head up this time. “And you know what?” His tone is still soft, his eyes shimmering. “I love you even more.”

My eyes widen. “You… You love me?”

He chuckles and runs the pads of his thumbs over my cheeks, then leans down to slowly capture my lips. This kiss isn’t like all the other ones we’ve had. I’d always felt him holding back, but now, as he holds my face between his big hands, I feel everything pouring through it and I can’t help but respond. And we kiss for minutes, I think, at least until we need oxygen again, and then he’s pulling away to rest his forehead on mine.

“Delaney, I’ve loved you ever since you drug me out here that night, when you asked me about Lou.”

A sob leaves my mouth and I have to pull back because I need to see his face.

“What about what I did? Those boys and… and-“

“-I don’t care about that. I only care about you, love, and making you better.” He leans in and pecks my lips before pulling away again, my face still entrapped between his hands. “That’s your past—it’s gone. You’re here with me now and I can love you so much if you’ll just let me.”

More tears push out of my eyes, but he catches them with his thumb and watches me with his own watering green orbs. He’s waiting for an answer and I want to give him one, but my mouth won’t work. So instead of telling him that I’d like him to hold me forever and whisper about how much he loves me, I pull out of his hold and launch myself into his chest. My arms wrap around his head and I hold him tightly before pressing my mouth against his. And this time, we don’t stop kissing and even though I’m still shaking and fragile and scared, I’m more than okay with that.