Heartbeat

Every Tuesday and Thursday at 2 pm Dean got dropped off at the outpatient clinic at Stanford University Medical Center before Sam’s afternoon class. Dean had tried to insist he could get here himself. He had been before. But Sam worried and the doctors hadn’t cleared him yet. It had only been two months. Well, two months tomorrow.
Dean signed in at the desk and took a seat. It was October and cold outside. Dean was wearing a coat and a sweatshirt and a flannel and a t-shirt after Sam whined about how bad it’d be if he were to get sick now. So he obliged his younger brother and sat as far from other people in the clinic just in case.
Being in the hospital brought about a certain level of anxiety in Dean. He did three months of waiting in the hospital. Thank god Sam had been on summer break because Dean would have hated him taking a semester off just because he was dying. But being here made him feel suffocated and his chest always ached. His palms were sweaty and his heart would beat fast. Waiting here long enough usually convinced him that he was dying again.
But a nurse called his name early today and he practically leapt out of his seat. She handed him a name tag and told him third floor cardio wing. As if he hadn’t had that memorized already. Then again the nurse wasn’t familiar.
He took the stairs. He’d grown to miss stairs and would always take them up one level and then take the elevator. As much as he wanted to push himself he didn’t want it to cause a setback. Not now.
He walked down the hall and signed in at the cardio desk. Mindy, one of the nurses at the desk, smiled at him. He winked and took a seat. There weren’t many people around today, not even the other nurses.
“Dean Winchester?” nurse Sarah called and he hopped up. They made small talk as she took him into an examination room. He pulled off half his layers so she could take his vitals and when she was done he was handed a gone. “Open in the front,” she reminded him and he rolled his eyes. She laughed as she left and he undressed. Dean ran his finger over the scar. It was still pink. He tied the gown and wrapped his arms around himself. It was cold.
Beatriz Montgomery was the head of the cardiothoracic department as both doctor and head surgeon. She’d seen Dean since the beginning over a year ago and she’d preformed his surgery.
“Goodmorning Dean,” she greeted and he smiled.
“Hey,” he said and wrapped his arms tighter around himself. She looked at his charts.
“Therapy is going well?” she asked and he nodded. That was on Wednesday and every other Friday he got physical therapy in the pool. “And the medication?” she asked and he blushed.
“It’s making me gain weight,” he mumbled.
“Well, Sarah weighed you and you are fine. I know the immunosuppressant’s do that and you can’t work out much yet, but remember you lost a lot of weight as well.” Dean sighed.
“I know, I know,” he said and she made a note.
“Have you gone back to work?” she asked.
“Still just doing half days on the weekends,” Dean told her. He couldn’t do more until he was stronger and cleared to drive.
Dean was a medical technician at the children’s hospital across town. He’d run the MRI machine, the CAT scanner, XRAYs, as well as other tests. He was also the one who repaired the machines. And sang to the kids or entertained them while they were getting tests done. Over the last few months he’d gotten plenty of cards, balloons, and flowers from the patients he’d gotten to know. On his breaks he would eat lunch and then either hang out in the play room or check in on kids whose parents couldn’t always be there. The doctors and nurses continually encouraged him to go to medical school and as much as he’d love to he didn’t have the money, especially with Sam in law school and stuff.
“Good. I want you still working at that pace and no heavy lifting,” she reminded him and he nodded. “Ready for me to have a listen?” she asked. This part always worried him. It was a perfect heart, but the fear inside him tried to convince him that something would go wrong. “On Thursday when you get your scans we will do a biopsy too,” she told him.
“Yeah I know.” More things to make him paranoid.
It was agonizing as he waited while she listened to his heart. He stared at the clock; the second hand dragged along.
“Well everything sounds and looks good Dean,” Dr. Montgomery said with a smile and Dean sighed with relief.
“Thanks,” he said and she smiled.
“Remember Dean, the worst part is over,” she said and soon left. He dressed quickly, eager to get out, and headed out.
“Hey are you okay?” Dean asked noticing a guy standing against the wall breathing hard.
“I swear to go Cas you better not go all the way up those stairs!” a voice yelled from below and the young man clenched his fists.
“Already … at the … top …” he said breathlessly clutching his chest.
“Hey, hey are you alright,” Dean said taking the guys arm and shoulder holding him up. He looked up at Dean. His face was flushed and he was breathing hard.
“Said I … couldn’t … make … it,” he gasped his knees buckling.
“Whoa, whoa I got you,” he said helping the guy, Cas, back to his feet. “I can go ask them for a wheelchair.”
“No!” Cas wheezed. “No … I can … do it … Gabe!” another man had made it to the top of the stairs and was glaring at Cas.
“I’ll deal with you later and I’m getting you a damn wheelchair,” he snapped and headed over to the desk in the cardio center.
“No,” Cas whined and tried to break away from Dean and head over to the waiting area, but he made it about two feet before collapsing against the wall. He sank to the ground clutching his chest with his eyes squeezed shut. Gabe came back with a wheelchair and nurse Sarah. Gabe crouched down next to Cas stroking his hair and Cas tried to push him away.
“I’m fine … it’ll pass,” he said quietly and Dean shuddered. It wasn’t too long ago that he looked just like Cas and he said those words over and over to Sam.
“Come on little cuz get in the wheelchair. You’ll feel better,” Gabe said helping Cas up. He reluctantly let himself be put in the wheelchair. He looked up at Dean with empty sad eyes and now with his coat and shirt disheveled Dean could see what he had assumed. Cas had a portable LVAD and from the way he looked Dean knew he was waiting for a heart. It made his own heart thud in his chest. He knew the statistics about those who died waiting. His heart beat sped up and he instinctively clutched his own chest. He needed to get out of here before he had a panic attack. Cas’ eyes were still locked on him though and Dean felt like he knew. As if he knew that Dean had a healthy new heart beating in his chest. Dean felt nauseous and clammy.
“I thought you’d left already Dean,” Dr. Montgomery said coming up behind Cas and Gabe.
“Just leaving,” he choked out and Gabe turned the wheelchair away. That relaxed Dean a little.
“Kind of like looking into a mirror isn’t it?” she asked and he nodded.
“But in a fun house,” he added taking calming breaths. She laughed.
“Perhaps, but you and Cas are a lot alike. You remind me of each other in the ways you fight. If you ever run into him again you should talk. I bet you’d have a lot in common,” she said as she walked away. Dean waved goodbye and then shut himself safely in the elevator. He probably did have a lot in common with Cas, but Dean didn’t know if he could face him knowing that Cas was living on borrowed time waiting for a heart that might not come.