Walking Travesty

Alex's POV:

I park my car a few houses away from Lina's, then get out and slowly make my way to her house.
The night is dark, and the only light on in the small house is coming from her bedroom.
I stare up at the tree that sits just beneath her window, and try to think of what I should say to her.
Hey, sorry about fucking you and breaking up with you. It's because I felt guilty
"God, that sounds like bullshit," I mutter to myself.
I sigh, then grab one of the tree branches and hoist myself up onto a stronger branch. I pull myself up to the one right beside her window, and steady myself on in, since falling isn't something I really want to do at the moment.
Her curtains are closed, a bit of light just creeping through the fabric. I lean forward and knock softly on the windowpane, then listen. Nothing. I knock a little louder, but still don't get a reply.
I let out a sigh and knock one last time, hoping her mom doesn't hear. But again, I get no response.
I frown and dangle my legs over the branch, swinging them in the air for a moment, before sighing again and swinging down to the ground
I stare up at her window for a moment, debating going to the front door, but trash that idea once I see her mom's car parked in the driveway.
"This was a stupid idea," I mutter under my breath as I kick the tree in frustration.
I turn around and walk in the direction of my car.
I'll talk to her tomorrow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning she wasn't in English. Or gym. Or lunch.
Once I realize she's probably not coming, I ditch the rest of the day and drive to her house.
I knock on her door, silently praying she answers. I'm trying to push away the anxiety that she did something stupid, when the door swings open. The tired looking girl who's clad in sweats and a hoodie , looks surprised to see me.
"You're not the cute Chinese delivery boy," she grumbles.
I smile a little. "Can we talk?" I ask, aware that she's sort of blocking the doorway.
She crosses her arms, pulling the big green sweatshirt tighter around her. "Oh, are you going to break up with me again?" she asks, sarcasm dripping from her tired voice.
"I'm sorry about that," I sigh and shove my hands in my jeans pockets. "I felt guilty about all the shit I caused with your mom and everything."
She rolls her eyes and seems to hug herself tighter. "I know Emily yelled at you. You don’t have to make up some lame excuse."
"I'm not lying, Lin," I say adamantly. "Can we just forget yesterday happened?"
She rolls her eyes again, then she sighs audibly. "I think you're right about needing some time apart."
My heart drops into my stomach. "Why?"
She shrugs her small shoulders and untangles her arms and tucks a section of messy hair behind her ear. "I just don't think a relationship is good for me right now."
"That's not a real answer."
She laughs, and suddenly seems angry. "Oh, but the one I got yesterday was?" she asks, her dark grey eyes glaring into me.
"I'm really sorry about that," I insist. "It was stupid and a shitty reason to break up."
"Yeah, it was," she agrees, then her eyes flick over my shoulder and we pause our conversation as an old Chinese woman gets out of her car and brings a box of food to the door. Lina pays her, and when she's gone, turns back to me. "You should probably go before my mom gets home."
"But-" I start, trying desperately to think of a reason she should change her mind.
"Just go, Alex," she says sharply, and before I can respond, she shuts the door in my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lina's POV:

I angrily stab at my chicken with the chopsticks, using them, like skewers rather than actual eating utensils.
This was all his fault. I'd gone months with barely thinking about self-harming, and I was actually in a good place, and he'd ruined it.
You're just thinking that because you don't want to admit that you're weak
I swallow another piece of sesame chicken, then close the takeout box and walk it to the fridge.
This isn't his fault. You're just weak. Disgusting. He deserves someone normal. You're just a burden on him. On everyone. They don't like you. They pity you
I shove the thoughts away as I go upstairs and into the bathroom. I strip out of my clothes, and try to avoid looking at my hips as I get ready to shower.
I step under the hot spray and wince at the stinging coming from the cuts that haven't healed yet.
I stand in the shower for a while, not washing my hair or anything. Sick as it sounds, I like the dull pain in my hips.
You're disgusting

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up suddenly, covered in sweat with my heart pounding.
My tired brain can't remember what my dream had been, but my whole body is shaking.
I sit up and wipe my arm across my forehead and take slow, deep breaths.
Once I have my heart rate under control, I look over at the clock. Six thirty. I groan and lay back down. The thought of going to school doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. So instead of getting up and facing the day like a normal human being, I roll over and fall back asleep.