Please Understand This
the game is simple
I was awkward with boys.
Even with you.
I was always used to being pursued, and I had no idea how to be the pursuer. It’s not as if I’m trying to sound conceited or vain, it’s just how things turned out to be. I moved around so much as a kid that boys never had time to get up the nerve to ask me, and I was so freakishly shy that I never bothered to flirt.
I grew up, and I became good looking. I knew it because I would see men and boys looking at me when I would enter a building or just watching me as I walked. I got that type of attention a lot, and having been under my father’s thumb so often as a girl I was quick to pick up the art of manipulation.
I knew how to entice a boy without a word, when to bite my lip, how to act like I didn’t know when they were staring. I played the doe eyed innocent very well. Boys came easily, and they all lost the game just as easily. I don’t know when I made the game up, but I had played the game ever since I became aware of what was what between people’s thighs.
The game is simple, whoever falls for the other first, loses.
I don’t like to lose.
So I played the game easily, and I won most of the time. There were some times that I wouldn’t win, but I also never lost.
In high school there were boys that were attractive, but they were slow and clumsy and awkward on the uptake. I think that was always the problem. I didn’t want a boy. I wanted a man. I wanted someone who used a belt, and wore a watch. I wanted someone who balanced his own accounts and did his own laundry and knew how to take control.
I was tired of sticky boys who were so green they still thought going to the mall was a good date. I didn’t want boys who couldn’t understand, I wanted a man, but men were smarter. Men were harder to manipulate, and men tended to figure out quicker than the boys that I was a cold rock covered in a warm personality.
So I got stuck for a while in a relationship desert.
I tried to convince myself that I was gay for a while as a sort of self preservation method. If I could make myself believe that I was just attracted to a different gender, then maybe I could ignore the truth of my own inability to trust. But my God, I loved men, and penis and muscles and just their essence. There was no way I was gay.
When I met you I thought you would be that person, I thought you would be the person to fill the emptiness inside of me. I think that’s what I had been looking for. I wanted someone to fill me up, and for a while you were. You got who I was, and you didn’t need me to change. I loved it, and I came really close to loving you.
I was in a bible class once, and the professor was speaking about marriage and love. He said that we were all looking for that special someone to complete us. He said that for a few of us, that we were looking for someone to fill this yawning gap inside of us, and that if we ever met someone like that, that we should make a 180 and run. Because that’s not love and that’s not a relationship.
That’s when I realized that I wasn’t loving you, I was using you, I was sucking you dry. So instead I used all of that love to push you away before you began to hate me for what I was doing to you.
I love you a little bit still, but I think I hate you even more.
You make me feel again, and it’s awful.
Jenna
Even with you.
I was always used to being pursued, and I had no idea how to be the pursuer. It’s not as if I’m trying to sound conceited or vain, it’s just how things turned out to be. I moved around so much as a kid that boys never had time to get up the nerve to ask me, and I was so freakishly shy that I never bothered to flirt.
I grew up, and I became good looking. I knew it because I would see men and boys looking at me when I would enter a building or just watching me as I walked. I got that type of attention a lot, and having been under my father’s thumb so often as a girl I was quick to pick up the art of manipulation.
I knew how to entice a boy without a word, when to bite my lip, how to act like I didn’t know when they were staring. I played the doe eyed innocent very well. Boys came easily, and they all lost the game just as easily. I don’t know when I made the game up, but I had played the game ever since I became aware of what was what between people’s thighs.
The game is simple, whoever falls for the other first, loses.
I don’t like to lose.
So I played the game easily, and I won most of the time. There were some times that I wouldn’t win, but I also never lost.
In high school there were boys that were attractive, but they were slow and clumsy and awkward on the uptake. I think that was always the problem. I didn’t want a boy. I wanted a man. I wanted someone who used a belt, and wore a watch. I wanted someone who balanced his own accounts and did his own laundry and knew how to take control.
I was tired of sticky boys who were so green they still thought going to the mall was a good date. I didn’t want boys who couldn’t understand, I wanted a man, but men were smarter. Men were harder to manipulate, and men tended to figure out quicker than the boys that I was a cold rock covered in a warm personality.
So I got stuck for a while in a relationship desert.
I tried to convince myself that I was gay for a while as a sort of self preservation method. If I could make myself believe that I was just attracted to a different gender, then maybe I could ignore the truth of my own inability to trust. But my God, I loved men, and penis and muscles and just their essence. There was no way I was gay.
When I met you I thought you would be that person, I thought you would be the person to fill the emptiness inside of me. I think that’s what I had been looking for. I wanted someone to fill me up, and for a while you were. You got who I was, and you didn’t need me to change. I loved it, and I came really close to loving you.
I was in a bible class once, and the professor was speaking about marriage and love. He said that we were all looking for that special someone to complete us. He said that for a few of us, that we were looking for someone to fill this yawning gap inside of us, and that if we ever met someone like that, that we should make a 180 and run. Because that’s not love and that’s not a relationship.
That’s when I realized that I wasn’t loving you, I was using you, I was sucking you dry. So instead I used all of that love to push you away before you began to hate me for what I was doing to you.
I love you a little bit still, but I think I hate you even more.
You make me feel again, and it’s awful.
Jenna