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“Miss Connors?” The judge peered over his bifocal glasses. I looked up from the coffee-stained spot on the floor I had been transfixed on just moments before and caught his eyes. “We have come to a decision.” I didn’t want a decision. I didn’t want them to decide how much they could flip my life completely upside down, right side up, and side-to-side in a matter of moments. I wanted to go back home, to my new home, and crawl up underneath my covers and pretend this never happened. I never asked for this.
“Please rise,” he finally spoke. I stood up, pushed the old wooden chair out with the back of my calves and smoothed out my dress shirt. A verdict. “In accordance to Colleton County, and with strong voices from both medical professionals and social workers alike, we the courts have found the best place for the child in question, Lucille Elisabeth Connors, is in your home, Eleanor.” I couldn’t breath. I physically couldn’t inhale and exhale any longer. This wasn’t what I wanted and this certainly wasn’t what was the “best option” for Lucy.
“Judge Hanson--” I began but he cut me off with a curt nod.
“Eleanor, I know that this is a huge change for you, but she is your niece and you are the only family member she has left. Would you want her living in the arms of some strangers? Taking care of your sisters daughter?” Raising my eyebrows back at him I bit back a comment that could have possibly had me thrown in jail. Judge Hanson had been a family member of my grandparents for forever, so naturally, in a small town, I was bound to get stuck with him as the presider over Lucy’s case.
“Judge Hanson, I do not know how to care for children. I am a single woman living in a different state.” Even though I knew the ruling had already been signed off on, I was hoping for one more last chance. It wasn’t like I was lying about my circumstances.
“I will give you the simplest solution: take her with you and enroll in a good mother/daughter class. She’s a young child; she will bond to you quickly. You’re all she has left.”
Despite that last line I wasn’t all that convinced. The only, and only reason I was even doing this in the first place was my stupid sister fucking up as usual, only this time it cost her everything and now I was stuck to clean up her mess (again as usual).
“You’ll do fine, Ella.” He tried to reassure me but it went without fault. “I remember when you were a little girl and you used to play so well with your dolls.” I snorted decisively
“Judge Hanson?” He nodded. “That wasn’t me. That was Kathleen. I used to bite the heads off of my Barbie dolls and cut off their ankles… Dolls I was even worse with. Are you sure you still want to give me a child?” One. Last. Ditch. Effort.
“You’ll be fine, Eleanor. If you can, give me a call when you get back to Pittsburgh with her and you’ve all settled down.” I took a deep breath and tried to hold back any emotion I was feeling. I wasn’t getting out of this one.
~~~~~
It had been three weeks since I had traveled back (with an nine month old) from Edisto Beach, South Carolina. Three weeks I had spent waking up at random intervals of the night to feed and changing a screaming Lucy, and three weeks I had spent attempting to gain some normalcy back. The second had failed for the most part. I had taken off time at work, gotten way behind, and was forced to spend extra time out of the office writing up reports between diaper changes and nap times.
I was a mess in every essence of the word.
My perfectly clean and neat bachelorette pad had slowly turned from a cozy and warm inviting place for adults over the age of 21, to a pink and frills, formula all over every piece of furniture in my apartment, mess. I didn’t have time to clean, hell I barely had time to take a piss in between throw ups and diaper explosions. Instead of going to the gym I took quick naps in an attempt to reenergize myself for the Lucy 2.0. I was beyond exhausted and I was having to do it all by myself.
But I was changing all of that today. I was going back to work, and Lucy was going to go to the daycare at my office and everything would slowly- but surely- work its way back to normalcy. It had too.
If it didn’t, I don’t know if I am going to be able to survive.
“Please rise,” he finally spoke. I stood up, pushed the old wooden chair out with the back of my calves and smoothed out my dress shirt. A verdict. “In accordance to Colleton County, and with strong voices from both medical professionals and social workers alike, we the courts have found the best place for the child in question, Lucille Elisabeth Connors, is in your home, Eleanor.” I couldn’t breath. I physically couldn’t inhale and exhale any longer. This wasn’t what I wanted and this certainly wasn’t what was the “best option” for Lucy.
“Judge Hanson--” I began but he cut me off with a curt nod.
“Eleanor, I know that this is a huge change for you, but she is your niece and you are the only family member she has left. Would you want her living in the arms of some strangers? Taking care of your sisters daughter?” Raising my eyebrows back at him I bit back a comment that could have possibly had me thrown in jail. Judge Hanson had been a family member of my grandparents for forever, so naturally, in a small town, I was bound to get stuck with him as the presider over Lucy’s case.
“Judge Hanson, I do not know how to care for children. I am a single woman living in a different state.” Even though I knew the ruling had already been signed off on, I was hoping for one more last chance. It wasn’t like I was lying about my circumstances.
“I will give you the simplest solution: take her with you and enroll in a good mother/daughter class. She’s a young child; she will bond to you quickly. You’re all she has left.”
Despite that last line I wasn’t all that convinced. The only, and only reason I was even doing this in the first place was my stupid sister fucking up as usual, only this time it cost her everything and now I was stuck to clean up her mess (again as usual).
“You’ll do fine, Ella.” He tried to reassure me but it went without fault. “I remember when you were a little girl and you used to play so well with your dolls.” I snorted decisively
“Judge Hanson?” He nodded. “That wasn’t me. That was Kathleen. I used to bite the heads off of my Barbie dolls and cut off their ankles… Dolls I was even worse with. Are you sure you still want to give me a child?” One. Last. Ditch. Effort.
“You’ll be fine, Eleanor. If you can, give me a call when you get back to Pittsburgh with her and you’ve all settled down.” I took a deep breath and tried to hold back any emotion I was feeling. I wasn’t getting out of this one.
~~~~~
It had been three weeks since I had traveled back (with an nine month old) from Edisto Beach, South Carolina. Three weeks I had spent waking up at random intervals of the night to feed and changing a screaming Lucy, and three weeks I had spent attempting to gain some normalcy back. The second had failed for the most part. I had taken off time at work, gotten way behind, and was forced to spend extra time out of the office writing up reports between diaper changes and nap times.
I was a mess in every essence of the word.
My perfectly clean and neat bachelorette pad had slowly turned from a cozy and warm inviting place for adults over the age of 21, to a pink and frills, formula all over every piece of furniture in my apartment, mess. I didn’t have time to clean, hell I barely had time to take a piss in between throw ups and diaper explosions. Instead of going to the gym I took quick naps in an attempt to reenergize myself for the Lucy 2.0. I was beyond exhausted and I was having to do it all by myself.
But I was changing all of that today. I was going back to work, and Lucy was going to go to the daycare at my office and everything would slowly- but surely- work its way back to normalcy. It had too.
If it didn’t, I don’t know if I am going to be able to survive.
♠ ♠ ♠
Alright, hi. I originally had a Mibba (long, long, long, long time ago) and forgot my password and username, yadadada. Well I'm back because I've recently taken up writing again in my ever so sparing free time. So here, it's kinda a mess. I will more than likely rewrite it, or not, give me a holler and let me know what you think of it.