What Happened to You, Me, and Us?

"Let's just go back...."

Brian spun me around so that his hands were resting on top of my shoulders and we were facing eachother.

"You should never dread walking into your own damn house, Lauren. I right here with you."

"I know but..."

"But nothing. You co-own this house too. I'll be damned if I watch you get suckered out of it."

"You're right. Ugh, what is my fucking deal, dude?"

Brian just smiled at me and pushed me forward towards my front door. I lifted my hand to knock but Brian slapped it away from the door.

"Uh, what are you doing?

"Knocking..."

"Jesus Christ."

He grabbed my hand and placed it on the door knob and made my hand open the door.

"You own this house, remember?"

I took a deep breath and walked into the house. I felt like I didn't belong in my own damn house.

"I don't know where he is...I don't hear anything..."

"Why are you whispering, Lauren?"

"Good point."

"Hey." He grabbed my forearm and looked me in the eyes. "Stop acting like this, okay?"

I nodded my head and shut the front door behind us.

I grabbed a few of my books and things that were laying around the living room before heading upstairs.

"Do you want me to come upstairs with you? Because if he isn't down here then he must be up there."

"I got it. If you hear any yelling then head up."

Brian nodded and sat down on the recliner. I walked upstairs trying to avoid the squeky boards on the stair case. I was hoping Matt would be in the study so that was I could sneak in the bed room and leave with out him noticing.

I peaked into the study but he wasn't in there. I noticed that his journal was laying on the desk, wide open, with a pen between the pages. I allowed my curiosity to strike and I gently picked the book up and read his private thoughts.

I'm left heartbroken. I was such a fool to think that she'd love me and be over Zack. I'll admit, Matt, you're an idiot for yelling at her like you did. You spit in her face and called her a whore. But you're even with her. She still loves your brother, always has and always will. She lied to you about being pregnant. Be honest with yourself, dude, you weren't ready to be a father. It just sucks that the woman you're in love with would rather lie to you than be honest. Through out life, you've accepted that you'll never have everything Zack has, but you had her and that was enough. Get over it, accept it, and learn to live with it. But you'll always love her. Sleeping in your bed hurts you because you know she should be laying next to you...

Shit. Why did I get nosy? As I read his words, it hit me hard. The way he wrote to himself.

I placed the book back down on the desk and tried to set it down as if it had never been picked up. I walked out the room and headed towards the bed room. I walked through the open door frame and saw Matt sleeping. The fading sunlight rested on his pale skin and illuminated his features. His innocence was one of the reasons why I loved him so dearly. It was also one of the reasons why his anger had slightly shocked me the day he caught me in a lie.

I stepped wrong on the floor board, causing one of the wood planks to make a noise. Matt tended to be a light sleeper sometimes. The noise caused him to lift his head quickly. He just stared at me with a blank, expressionless face.

"I just wanted to make sure I got everything..."

"You have a bracelet in the dresser."

I glanced at him and then walked over to the dresser to retrieve the item. Matt was now sitting Indian style on the bed with messy hair.

"Thanks...I'll get to leaving now."

"Yeah..."

I walked towards the door and looked back at him.

"Don't look at me like that."

"Like what, Matt?"

"Like you feel bad and still love me."

"I."

He just continued to stare through me.

"I really care about you, Matt. I'm sorry. I'm so incredibly sorry for the way I've acted."

"Well, what do you want to do, Lauren? We've invested, well at least I've invested, so much time into this."

"I don't know, Matt. I'm the one who fucked up. Everything comes down to your decsion. Not mine."

"Shit. Fuck."

Matt put his hand on the side of his head and let his elbow rest on his knee.

"I don't know, Lo. I don't know if I can trust you."

"I wouldn't trust me either, if I were you."

"I still love you. But I know your heart isn't that involved with me as much as it is elsewhere."

"Matt. Do you want to fix this or not?"

"I think I do."

"Yes or no."

"Yeah. But we'd need to start over. Start the whole relationship over. No engagment. Just take it step by step and see how far we get."

I walked over and sat on the bed Indian style, facing him.

"I care about you. You know that, Matt. I'm just jaded. I'm a whore. You were right."

"Don't say that. I said that out of pure anger. I didn't mean it. Just like you said you didn't mean to lie to me and hurt me."

I leaned forward and he pulled me into a hug.

"We can't let this ruin us. We can't let lies and past relationships get between us. Me and you are the present, okay?"

I nodded my head and looked him in the eyes.

"Are you down to start this again, Lauren? If so, it means that you love me and only me."

"I'm down. I miss you and I'm sorry."

He kissed me and I felt home again. I felt like I belonged but I knew deep down that I didn't 100% love only him. I still had love for another. I had love for the man that had texted me earlier that day and asked if we could be friends.

"I love you. Bring your stuff back home?"

I nodded and rested my head on his chest.

"Fuck. I left Brian downstairs. I should tell him he can go home now."

Matt nodded in agreement and I walked downstairs only to find Brian gone. I had left my phone on the coffee table and looked for a text.

Call me if shit gets weird. But I think you're where you need to be. Love you, cuz

Was I with who I was supposed to be with?