What Happened to You, Me, and Us?

The night continued to get worse. Everyone was constantly telling Matt and I that we were going to make amazing parents, and we weren't. I was the only person that knew that there was no baby and I wouldn't allow there to ever be a baby with him. I wish I knew what I was thinking. I love(d) Matt but being this close to Zack was messing up my whole mentality. In my whole 21 years of living, that was probably, hands down, the worst lie that I had ever told. What a major fucking thing to lie about.

I had shimmed away from everyone to get some mental clarity. The condensation from the cold beer I was drinking, was making my right palm even more moist than it already was from my nerves. I was staring at a random corner on the patio when I felt the beer being snatched out of my slick grip.

"Well, looks like you shouldn't be drinking this....For it is most definitely unsafe for the health of your child."

Zack was staring at me in the worst way ever. A dreadful glare was what I was receiving. He had been avoiding me the whole night ever since the lie. Not even making eye contact much less standing near me. He was disgusted.

"Don't be an asshole, Zack."

"Me? Well, fuck. Lauren. When were you going to tell me?"

"Zack, it's really not best that we discuss this right now. Please. Can we just bring it up in our talk later?"

"A talk with you? I don't know if I can do that anymore...I can't even look you in the eye. You're going to have my brother's kid. Shit. He really wasn't joking when he said that I'd just be the "tattooed uncle."

"WHAT the fuck is wrong with you? God damn you, Zachary. How in the hell did you think I felt when I found out you had proposed to Gena?"

He still wasn't looking me in the eye. He had such a tense face expression and I knew that my point had been made.

"Fuck you, Lauren. Don't low blow me like that. How the FUCK did you think I felt when I found out you first started dating my fucking brother. You could have picked anyone in California. Anyone in the whole fucking world but no. You had to end up with my fucking brother."

And just like that, he had completely made everything that I had just said look like a joke. I loathed him at this very moment.

I tried to find a random thing to focus my eyes on. I wouldn't dare let him know that he had frustrated and intimidated me to the point of tears. After all, big girls don't girl, right?

He was now looking directly into my eyes. Hands on his hips and a 'point made' face expression on his lips. In my goal of trying to avoid his eye contact, I noticed that Gena was eying us. She was trying not to make it obvious, but it wasn't working. She was probably wondering why her husband looked deeply upset with his ex girlfriend, soon to be sister in law.

"It's not what you think. Can we just still get together later and talk?"

My eyes were pleading, begging, and shameful. And he stared right through me. His burning green eyes could see right through me. And I felt it.

"We will. 3am at the end of the beach on the other side of the rocks."

His cheeks were flushed with a deep rose color.

"If you have that child with him....I can not be in it's life or yours."

Those words stung me. They penetrated my mind and repeated over and over. I stood there, yet again, motionless. "If you have that child with him....I can not be in it's life or yours." It was cold. It was the harshest thing that anyone had ever said to me and I honestly believe he meant it.

******** *********
The time lapsed and everyone drank the night away. I tried to look lively and happy with my future husband and our supposed future child that I was carrying. As for Zack, he was overly loving towards Gena. He was trying to show me that he was untethered to our previous conversation.

Friends left and I helped Gena clean up a little while Zack and Matt avoided each other at all costs.

"Laurz, it's really great that you're going to be a mom. I can't wait to be an aunt. I know we've had a weird history. I know I was uninviting towards you the first time I met you because I knew of your past with Zack. I was always scared you guys would get back together. You know you'll always be his weakness. But I think you and Matt are really perfect for each other. I'm so excited to be an aunt."

She told no bull shit. There was a sweet sincerity and honestly about her and the way she spoke. She was sweet and she wanted to be close with me. Talking to her pissed me off. The only thing I had to dislike about her was that she was married to my ex lover. But her words were sour to me. The only thing I could think, while she was talking, was that I wasn't going to be no god damn mother.

"That's a really sweet thing of you to say, Ge. I think I'm going to head upstairs and rest."

She leaned over and hugged me and I walked upstairs, leaving her and Zack on the patio. As I walked up the spiral staircase, I looked out the window and saw her and the way she acted towards Zack. She loved him so dearly.

I felt perverted. I was looking at their every move through the window. I could have doubled for some old bastard obsessing over a peep show. Finally, I snapped out of my vision. They started walking towards the patio door and I wanted to hurry up the stairs before they walked in. I reached the guest room and saw Matt, already in a deep sleep. I could never cuddle with him at night. He was too rowdy and moved like a maniac in his slumber.

I sat at the edge of the bed and stared out the window at the moonlight reflecting on the dark ocean. I had been dazing off into my mind, pondering my next move. What was I going to say to Zack and how was I going to explain myself? I almost cried during our earlier conversation and I was sure there could be tears shed during our upcoming one.

I got dressed into some yoga pants and a dark colored tee. I had no clue what colored shirt I was wearing, honestly. I just knew that turning on the light was a risk. And I did not want to wake Matt up. I pulled my long, wavy black hair back into a ponytail and snuck down the staircase and out the door.

The cool sand felt amazing on my bare feet. It was relaxing. I walked down towards the shore, using the light from my phone. I got to our meeting destination and didn't see Zack.

"Zack?"

"I'm over here."

His voice was stale. I looked on the other side of the empty clam shell covered rocks and there was Zack. He was sitting in an inverted part of the small cliff, poking at the sand with his index finger. I took at seat next to him leaving an arms length of space between us.

"Are you really pregnant?"

I fiddled with my engagement ring and started to speak but stuttered.

"N-no. I lied. He was on a rampage about how I had been acting strange. I panicked and that was the first thing that fell out of my mouth. You know how I get when I feel cornered. I use anything for a defense mechanism."

I noticed his body relax a little and he let out a small sigh of relief.

"I can't believe you'd do that to him."

"Zack. It's not like I had that premeditated. I didn't know he would shout it out to everyone like a fucking idiot."

My sentence was cut off quickly.

"What the fuck, Lauren? If I thought you were about to have my baby, the whole fucking world would know."

"What the fuck ever. What is the even going to be about?"

"Don't play dumb, Lauren. Don't fucking play dumb. You know why I wanted to talk to you. And if you don't, then you aren't as smart as I always thought you were. Well, obviously you aren't for the whole pregnant bullshit you pulled earlier. You gave me a heartattack."

"Oh my fucking Jesus. Are you really calling me dumb right now? If we're here to talk about us then let's fucking talk about us."

I had my fists clenched in the sand. He knew by my tone that I was about to storm off.

"Okay. That was harsh of me and I apologize. It's just that...You nearly tore me into pieces. I don't want to be an uncle to the product of you two being together. Part of me, still wants to think that I would be the father of your children."

My face softened but then tensed up again.

"Zack, you're fucking married. When are you going to fully understand your wedding vows? I'm sure that during your wedding with GENA, you guys took vows. Oh, wait, I wouldn't know because you didn't invite me!"

"I didn't invite you because I thought about your fucking feelings. What kind of shit would I be setting myself...And you up for, if I had invited you to see me get married to another woman?"

"So when Matt and I get married, you won't come?"

"...You're actually going to go through with it? Marry him, I mean?"

"You're married. Why can't I get married? Am I not allowed to find happiness in someone that is not you?"

He put his hands on his face and shrugged.

"Originally, I only married her to get back at you for dating my brother. I grew to love her but not in the way you should fully love your wife.... What happened to us, Lauren?"

I shrugged and looked out to the water.

"It's always confused me. We were in love and then I started touring more and you just shut down. You distanced yourself from me."

"How did you think I was going to act? I told you when you had come back from your first big tour, that I couldn't bare having you away from me. I was 19. You were the one who broke up with me, though. Don't you remember?"

With that said, Zack slightly tilted his head up.

"I left you because I was scared I would break your heart. I was already hurting you from being away so much but I was scared I would do something bad."

"What do you mean by bad?"

"Cheat. When you're on tour, there are groupies everywhere. I didn't want to have a drunken incident and then have you find out I fucked someone else. Even if I didn't tell you, I knew you'd see it in my eyes or Brian would tell you. I mean, I wasn't trying to cheat...I'd never do that to you but I knew that I had to break up with you in case it were to happen."

I felt a tear build up in my eye.

"Did you ever have sex with a girl after you broke up with me?"

"The night I called you and told you that we weren't working out anymore, and that I didn't love you...I fucked some girl. I don't even remember her name. While I was having sex with her, I felt sick. It was wrong."

"You're a fucking asshole."

"Hey, hey now. At least I didn't fucking cheat on you, Lauren. Cut me some damn slack."

By now I had a narrow stream of tears sliding down my cheek.

He was about to say something else and his phone rang. It was Gena wondering where he had gone.

He stood up and decided that it would be a good idea for us to continue the conversation another time. He reached out his arms and almost pulled me into a hug.

"Please. Don't do that to me. I can't bare to fucking feel you. It'll break my heart again."

I gently turned his hug away. He had such confusion in his eyes.

I walked off in the other direction and took my time. It would have definitely been a bad idea for us to walk into the house at the same time. I'm sure Gena was waiting for him in the kitchen.

After 10 minutes of being off to my own, I deemed it safe to go back into the house. I don't know if I could emotionally handle another conversation like that with him again. It made me feel like I was 19 and re-living the heartbreak every second that I thought about him.