What Happened to You, Me, and Us?

Matt and I had driven through the salty breeze and winding, back roads of California. I held my tongue the whole car ride, for I felt silence would be the best bet for me. I didn't want another lie to blurt out of my deceiving lips. Matt just drove with a grin, and occasionally grabbing my hand and holding it in his.

By the time we got home, I was too tired to do anything but sleep. I'll blame on my 'pregnancy.'

"So baby, When do you want to tell our parents?" Matt was sitting on the edge of his side of the bed. He had that look in his eyes. The look every excited, future father gets when he looks at his pregnant wife.

"Uhm, I don't know. We'll tell them next week. I'm just really tired right now. I'd like to get some sleep."

I flipped over from my back on to my left side. I didn't want to look at him. It was going to tear him apart when he found out the truth. Maybe I could get him to stop wearing a condom....Maybe I should stop taking my birth control so that way I can actually get pregnant and cover up my lie.

***********

During my sleep, I had a dream about Zack. He was standing at the end of the isle, waiting on my arrival. We were going to get married. My dress was beautiful in the dream. It was all from my point of view. I was seeing everything through my own eyes. I eventually got up to the end of the isle and Zack disappeared in turned into Matt. Matt was holding a dead baby.

I thought that dream was going a little too good to be true. It startled me and caused me to wake up in hysterics. It was midnight and Matt was sleeping next to me. And with the glimmer of the moonlight, dancing on his face from the window, I saw his innocence. He was beautiful and he was my fiance. I needed to let go of Zack and all our past of bullshit. I had a ring on my finger because of Matt. If Zack really loved me, he should've married me. If Matt could do it then why couldn't Zack have? I think Zack was probably having problems in his marriage and saw that Matt and I were drama free. That's why he was trying to get at me again.

All in all, as it was in the beginning so shall it be again. If my heart truly belongs to Zack then eventually it will find its way back. But my focus needed to stay on the man I was laying next to in a warm, black sheet covered bed. When we woke, later in the morning, I decided I would have to tell him the truth. Everything. Even the conversation between Zack and I.

*************

After tossing and turning, and more nightmares, I woke up feeling refreshed the next morning. But the second I fully opened my eyes, my stomach was in knots. I turned over to cuddle Matt but there was no one occupying the space. He was still on vacation time from work, and Zack wouldn't be back in town from the beach house until another hour. I walked down the hall, into a small room that we called our 'Study.' It was a small, cozy room with books and our computer. He wasn't in there. Heading towards the living room, I smelled a hint of cigarette. Matt never smoked unless he was upset. And there he was, sitting in a chair with a cigarette, as his other hand fiddled with a round object.

"Hey honey, do you want me to make breakfast or go to Hurricane's and grab brunch?" I had an overwhelming shock of nervousness. Something was really wrong. There was no way I could tell him about the lie today.

"Sit down." He pointed at the sofa across from him, with the hand holding the cigarette.

"O...Okay. W-what's going on, Matt?" He look at me and I saw the fire in his eyes.

He had been concealing the round object in his hand. He held it in the air and tossed it to me. It was my birth control.

"Explain it."

I felt panic strike over me. I was actually scared and intimidated by my sweet, soft spoken Matt.

"It's not what it looks like. I haven't taken it..." Immediately, he cut my sentence off.

"Haven't taken it since last night! You're a fucking liar. I can't even look at you. You fucking sat there and dangled hope in my face. I fucking want to be a father and you lied. Pack your shit and take your fucking birth control and lies with you."

He had tears of frustration trying to surface. I had no problem crying. I was exposed, embarrassed, and pathetic.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Fucking save that bullshit. You had every intention to hurt me. That's a big lie. That's a lot of heart break to give to a man. That's why you didn't want to tell my parents, and that's why you looked fucking dead when I told everyone you were going to be the mother of my child. You're a fucking liar and I can't sleep next to that at night. I can't love that."

"You're right. I shouldn't have lied. I was going to tell you everything today. Matt, I love you. You're my fiance. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. We'll get through this. Forgive me please!"

"Get the fuck out of here. I can't trust a damn thing that you say. I don't believe none of it. And I know you snuck out the other night to see Zack. I'm not as dumb as you think I fucking am. Go crawl in his bed. You seem to be good at ruining marriages. Get out of my sight. You fucking disgust me. Go get your stuff and leave."

"What the fuck, Matt? You obviously don't love me enough to forgive me. I want a future with you so bad. But if you can't forgive me then I guess you really aren't in this for me. You can't take this house. My name is on the papers too." Matt's face had turned a shade of pure angered red.

"WATCH YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH WHEN YOU TALK TO ME." He had now, stood up and walked over to me. "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING. I LOVED YOU WITH EVERYTHING I AM. AND YOU FUCKING PISSED ON IT ALL. I am going to walk out of this house and when I come back, you and all your shit will be gone. If you have a fucking problem, then sue me. You know my lawyers are good."

He was in my face, breathing hard. With each exhale, he caused me to tremble in fear. I felt restrained on that sofa.

"Give me the fucking ring."

My shaky hand, quickly removed the ring off of my left ring finger and handed it over. He looked down at it and then at me.

"Whore." And then he spat on me.

Matt always told me that the most disrespectful thing you could ever do to someone, would be to spit in their face. He said he would never, ever do that to anyone unless he had lost absolutely every bit of respect he had for them.

He walked out and slammed the front door as hard as he could. I sat on the sofa with spit all over face. I was belittled and in tears. I had never seen that side of him and it was truly intimidating. Truly scary. I knew how much he loved me and longed to start a family with me, and he's right, I pissed all over it. I ruined everything. For once, since we had left the beach house, I stopped thinking about Zack.

I packed my stuff and realized I had lost the love of my life because of my own flaws.