If Only Tonight
Blurry Dividing Lines: Chapter Thirty Four - Need You Now
Blurry Dividing Lines:
Chapter Thirty Four: Need You Now
Entering the apartment, Mia saw it draped in darkness. The dinner had been good but she had been unable to stop worrying about Matthew.
Her heart dropped in spite of her. It looked as though Matthew hadn't come back at all. Glancing at her phone for the time, Mia saw that it was well past midnight. He still hadn't returned any of her calls.
"Where are you, Matt?" She whispered in to the blackness. She was angry with him for bailing on her, but at the same time her worry for him engulfed her.
Using the light from her phone, Mia walked in to her room; she saw a candle lit on the night table. What's going on? She wondered. It was then on her bed she saw him.
His jacket crumpled, his face sullen, his hair messed up. Matthew looked as though he had gone through hell and back.
As Mia moved towards him, she could see his eyes watering in the candlelight. The smell of whisky on his breath. He looked drunk and upset.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, unable to keep the anger out of her voice.
"Waiting for you." He replied.
"Why?" Mia asked, unable to stay angry as worry swept in to her voice.
"I-I...I need you."
-----
An apparition of his need, she appeared right in the nick of time. He had started to think Mia was going to be out all night. Yet when he needed her, there she was standing before him in a beautiful dress, looking like a goddess.
It surprised him that Mia came close to him, Matthew was shocked, when she put her arms around his neck, hugging him all the while sitting behind him on the bed.
"Where were you? I was worried about you."
Someone was worried about him? The entire day had gone by with such a blur, that her being there with him seemed to bring time to a standstill. It shocked Matthew that she actually cared about him.
After everything, she was still willing to be there with him.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"Like you...my mother doesn't have any affection for me anymore. She loves my sister." He told her. He was surprised he could say the words without slurring.
"Mia...I've got a secret..." It was bursting out of him. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep it to himself. His head was pounding with pain, his vision was swimming. All he could think of was getting this burden off his chest.
He could feel her become still.
"I'm the reason my sister died." He said at last. It had been a long time...but the words finally came out. He couldn't pretend anymore.
"What are you talking about?" Mia asked him, looking startled.
"It's because of me she died." He told her, the words bubbling up from where he had pushed them down.
"No it can't be." Mia told him, she sounded sure of herself.
"Yes it is."
"What happened?" She asked him, gently.
"If I tell you, you're going to see how it was my fault. You'll hate me just like my own mother." He told her.
"Matthew, I told you about my brother. Tell me. I know your sister didn't die because of you." She sounded as though nothing could waver her belief in him. He wasn't so sure, but the truth wasn't going to suppress it self any longer.
"I played football when I was little. My parents put me in the little leagues around our town. Sometimes the games would last until nightfall. None of us boys wanted to go home, but the coach would send us." He started, feeling calm settling over him.
-----
Mia had never seen Matthew in this state before. She held on to him tightly, not knowing how the story would come to its inevitable end. So that's what he meant by family, she thought, remembering Luxembourg and when she had asked him who he had lost.
It was his sister.
Matthew's voice was hoarse. He may have been drunk, but his sadness was real. As she tightened her grip on him, Mia felt his hands grab hold of hers, as though to say 'Don't let me go...'. Mia rested her head on his shoulder, listening to him speak.
"Usually after the games, my parents would come to pick me up. It wasn't safe to be out alone after dark. One night, my parents didn't come. I was 15 then, my sister was 20. I hated being alone and I was tired of waiting so I walked home. I made sure to take the path with street lights, and not take any short cuts. When I got home, my mother asked me where Luciana was...I had not known my sister would be coming...and I didn't even see her on the way home."
The tension was palpable, as Matthew's grip tightened on Mia.
"My father and I went out to look for her. We checked every where and still we couldn't find her."
-----
Unable to forget the moments that had come afterwards, Matthew could feel his stomach clenching.
"We got a call from my father's friend. Lucy...she had been found in an alley."
Hearing his mother's screams in his head, Matthew wanted to shut everything off. He wanted to wipe his brain clear of any memory of her.
"She was beaten and raped...but my sister was still alive. When I saw her at the hospital, I don't know how many times I apologised. If I hadn't had practice that day, she would have been fine. She would have been alive today." He told her.
"Matthew, you said she was alive. You didn't kill her." He looked at the hands holding him. Mia didn't understand. Matthew gave a dark, remorseful laugh.
I might not have put the gun to her head...but I pulled the trigger...he thought silently.
-----
It was all becoming clear now, she thought. That was why Matthew reacted so furiously to Jason. It was why he had distanced himself from Jason in the first place. Jason reminded him of what happened to his sister.
Mia couldn't help but feel for Matthew. His reactions towards her made sense in a weird way.
There was just one question left...how did his sister die? Quieting her thoughts, Mia listened to Matthew.
"My sister only spoke about what happened to her once. She said there were two men. That was it. Her arm was broken. Her face had bruises. She was a mess...but she didn't cry or say anything." He sounded puzzled as he recounted his sister's memory.
"Once she was out of the hospital. It was like nothing had happened. She started working. My parents watched over her, but then she moved out. She just left."
-----
He could still remember how he had felt when he helped Luciana move. He had dreaded it the entire time. Every time they talked, Matthew would look at her, and there was always something in her eyes that bothered him. Like she was someone else, not his sister anymore.
She would talk to him, but it felt different. He had known back then that her demons still tormented her, every time he suggested going to a doctor Luciana would shoot him down.
"Look, little brother, I don't need some quack doctor telling me what's wrong. I already know what's wrong." She would tell him angrily.
Sometimes she would completely ignore him, and ask about his own life.
'Matty, I hope you know that when you are rich and famous, you're going to have to take care of our parents.' She had told him once, when they were talking about his burgeoning football career. Almost as though she had known her time was coming to an end.
It was hard not to remember the large blue eyes that had listened intently to his football stories. Her crooked smile, as she told him what he was like as a baby. His heart ached to hear his sister tell him how well he had played the game.
'You know I love how you play, Matty. You're my amazingly talented baby brother.' She had told him proudly, after a game when he had started to play in the Italian minor league.
He remembered the day he had gotten signed to Juventus. He had gone straight to a jewellery store and bought her the heart pendant.
'Matty! Why on earth would you get me this?' She had asked in awe.
'You're my sister.' He had replied, hoping that now she would know just how much he needed her in his life. 'You've always supported me. I wouldn't have gotten this far without you.'
'Our parents have supported you too, you know.' She had replied looking a little cross with him. Before Matthew could say anything Luciana had pulled him in to a hug.
Those were kind of the times where Matthew would try to remember exactly how Luciana looked, and what her voice sounded like; thinking that it could be one of the last times he was seeing his sister the way she used to be.
That day when she let him go, Matthew couldn't forget the look in her eyes. There was no spark. Nothing that showed her once captivating spirit. It was just blank. He had taken in the sight of her. There were lines on her arms, cuts that had healed recently. He had ignored them, Luciana had told him she had stopped.
I should have known then, Matthew thought with regret. I should have known she couldn't stop...I should have gotten her help.
-----
There was quiet between them. Mia could feel him breathe in deeply. His composure was still there. Matthew hadn't let her go, his hands still held her own; but he was in a world of his own.
"So what happened?" Mia asked hesitantly. He had yet to tell her how his sister died. So far Mia could only think of why he blamed himself. He was angry that his sister had gotten hurt. But what does that have to do with her death? Mia wondered.
"It was a few years later. I was 18..." Mia was startled at the sound of his voice. She hadn't been expecting him to answer so soon.
-----
"I was 18...Luciana was 23..." He started. He hated recounting this part. He hated remembering what had happened.
"My mother and Lucy used to talk everyday. It was a routine after what happened. When Lucy moved out, my mother would call her every day at lunch and after her work." He told Mia.
"One day, my mother called at lunch but Luciana said she was busy with work or something. So around six, my mother called again. Luciana wasn't picking up the phone. It was odd...Luciana was always a punctual person. She hated being late. If it was six and my mother hadn't called, she would pick up the phone and call asking what was wrong."
He remembered his mother's frantic call. He had been coming home from practice when his mother told him to check up on his sister.
"I was told to check and see where Luciana was. So on my way home I went to her apartment. She had a plant with a spare key underneath. When she didn't answer the door...I opened it."
He remembered calling out her name. Hearing the water running, he could still feel the brief relief that she was home and alright.
In his mind he was there...back in the apartment, right about to knock on the bathroom door.
'Luciana!' He had called for her. 'Lucy!' He had banged on the door.
"My sister had never gotten better after the attack." He admitted out loud.
"The guys that had done that to her, had never been caught."
Pausing to gather himself, Matthew found himself back at the apartment. Having banged the door, he had told himself to wait five minutes. If she still doesn't answer I'm going to have to go in, he had dreaded.
Those five minutes had gone by too quickly. He had walked over to her desk in her room, and opened the drawer hoping to find his sister's chocolate reserve. Instead he had found a letter written to him.
Inside the envelope was the locket he had bought her, and a letter. His sister's neat writing on the page. He had only glanced at it quickly before running back to the bathroom door and banging, shoving the envelope in to his pocket.
"She was never the same after that..."
-----
Her own heart felt heavy as she listened to Matthew.
"Luciana had become one of those cutters..." As he told her, Mia held him closer.
"I had tried to get her to stop, but she didn't. My mother had cried when she saw the marks. Luciana promised each time that she would stop, and every time I would see the new marks she would try to cover, I would tell her to stop. Maybe I gave up at some point, but I thought she would finally get it and stop."
So that was why he felt like he was to blame, Mia thought. Much like her, he had known his sister's dark secret. She was starting to understand why she felt comfortable with him. He had experienced the same kind of pain and guilt as her.
"I walked in to the apartment, and called for her but there was no answer...so I waited and called again. Still she wasn't saying anything. I heard the water on so I knocked on the bathroom door. Still no answer."
Unable to breath, Mia clutched on tightly to Matthew. The end was near.
-----
"I gave her five minutes." Matthew skipped over the part about the locket. That was the only part he couldn't bring himself to tell her. The locket... Luciana had given it back to him...
'Matty, I want you to give this to the girl you love someday.' She had written to him.
"I didn't even wait that long. I found her letter to me...and I panicked. I barged in to the bathroom...I saw her lying in the tub. Her eyes closed and there was a trail of bright red blood going in to the drain. The water was running. Her clothes were soaked with blood."
He could feel the bile rising up, at the memory.
"I lifted her out of the tub, and I called the police. I saw a bottle of pills beside the tub. I didn't know how long she had been in there. I called my parents, I tried CPR. It was too late..."
-----
"It was too late..."
Mia's heart fell as she heard him say the words. Her own tears were streaming down her face. His voice hoarse. He sounded lost, and forsaken.
Looking at his face, she saw a wet trail down his cheeks. There was nothing she could do to lessen his pain, so she just held on.
"She wrote that she never blamed me for what happened. She told me she was proud of me. Some times I still think she did it to punish me..." His voice trailed off.
Mia could understand how he felt. When Max had died, she had thought it was his way getting back her. She still thought of how her mother had said she had abandoned her brother.
What was I supposed to do? What could have Matt done? She asked herself.
"Matthew, you couldn't have done anything. If she wanted to die, she would have done it no matter what anyone said. Just like my brother...I tried to get him to stop...but it was up to him and he didn't want to." She told him, her own voice cracking.
They were so different, yet so alike. Both of them had suffered the loss of a sibling in some horrific manner.
"I know...I tell myself that every time I think of her. When I come home, I can't breathe because everything in this country reminds me of my sister. I wish I didn't hate coming back as much as I do..." He said, quietly.
That explained a lot, she thought. He had been distancing himself from everything since before the trip.
"I miss her..." He whispered. Mia could feel herself choke up. Tears were freely falling down her face. There was nothing she could do to stop them. His pain was much like her own.
"I know..." She answered. I miss my brother too, she thought, as they sat together, rocking with pain.
As silence settled over them, Mia noticed how tired Matthew was. His grip on her hands was loosening. Nudging him to rest his head on the pillow, Mia lay beside him, his back to her.
Holding on to his arm, Mia kept watch as Matthew drifted off in to sleep. It wasn't long before she too joined him in slumber.
Chapter Thirty Four: Need You Now
Entering the apartment, Mia saw it draped in darkness. The dinner had been good but she had been unable to stop worrying about Matthew.
Her heart dropped in spite of her. It looked as though Matthew hadn't come back at all. Glancing at her phone for the time, Mia saw that it was well past midnight. He still hadn't returned any of her calls.
"Where are you, Matt?" She whispered in to the blackness. She was angry with him for bailing on her, but at the same time her worry for him engulfed her.
Using the light from her phone, Mia walked in to her room; she saw a candle lit on the night table. What's going on? She wondered. It was then on her bed she saw him.
His jacket crumpled, his face sullen, his hair messed up. Matthew looked as though he had gone through hell and back.
As Mia moved towards him, she could see his eyes watering in the candlelight. The smell of whisky on his breath. He looked drunk and upset.
"What are you doing here?" She asked, unable to keep the anger out of her voice.
"Waiting for you." He replied.
"Why?" Mia asked, unable to stay angry as worry swept in to her voice.
"I-I...I need you."
-----
An apparition of his need, she appeared right in the nick of time. He had started to think Mia was going to be out all night. Yet when he needed her, there she was standing before him in a beautiful dress, looking like a goddess.
It surprised him that Mia came close to him, Matthew was shocked, when she put her arms around his neck, hugging him all the while sitting behind him on the bed.
"Where were you? I was worried about you."
Someone was worried about him? The entire day had gone by with such a blur, that her being there with him seemed to bring time to a standstill. It shocked Matthew that she actually cared about him.
After everything, she was still willing to be there with him.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"Like you...my mother doesn't have any affection for me anymore. She loves my sister." He told her. He was surprised he could say the words without slurring.
"Mia...I've got a secret..." It was bursting out of him. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep it to himself. His head was pounding with pain, his vision was swimming. All he could think of was getting this burden off his chest.
He could feel her become still.
"I'm the reason my sister died." He said at last. It had been a long time...but the words finally came out. He couldn't pretend anymore.
"What are you talking about?" Mia asked him, looking startled.
"It's because of me she died." He told her, the words bubbling up from where he had pushed them down.
"No it can't be." Mia told him, she sounded sure of herself.
"Yes it is."
"What happened?" She asked him, gently.
"If I tell you, you're going to see how it was my fault. You'll hate me just like my own mother." He told her.
"Matthew, I told you about my brother. Tell me. I know your sister didn't die because of you." She sounded as though nothing could waver her belief in him. He wasn't so sure, but the truth wasn't going to suppress it self any longer.
"I played football when I was little. My parents put me in the little leagues around our town. Sometimes the games would last until nightfall. None of us boys wanted to go home, but the coach would send us." He started, feeling calm settling over him.
-----
Mia had never seen Matthew in this state before. She held on to him tightly, not knowing how the story would come to its inevitable end. So that's what he meant by family, she thought, remembering Luxembourg and when she had asked him who he had lost.
It was his sister.
Matthew's voice was hoarse. He may have been drunk, but his sadness was real. As she tightened her grip on him, Mia felt his hands grab hold of hers, as though to say 'Don't let me go...'. Mia rested her head on his shoulder, listening to him speak.
"Usually after the games, my parents would come to pick me up. It wasn't safe to be out alone after dark. One night, my parents didn't come. I was 15 then, my sister was 20. I hated being alone and I was tired of waiting so I walked home. I made sure to take the path with street lights, and not take any short cuts. When I got home, my mother asked me where Luciana was...I had not known my sister would be coming...and I didn't even see her on the way home."
The tension was palpable, as Matthew's grip tightened on Mia.
"My father and I went out to look for her. We checked every where and still we couldn't find her."
-----
Unable to forget the moments that had come afterwards, Matthew could feel his stomach clenching.
"We got a call from my father's friend. Lucy...she had been found in an alley."
Hearing his mother's screams in his head, Matthew wanted to shut everything off. He wanted to wipe his brain clear of any memory of her.
"She was beaten and raped...but my sister was still alive. When I saw her at the hospital, I don't know how many times I apologised. If I hadn't had practice that day, she would have been fine. She would have been alive today." He told her.
"Matthew, you said she was alive. You didn't kill her." He looked at the hands holding him. Mia didn't understand. Matthew gave a dark, remorseful laugh.
I might not have put the gun to her head...but I pulled the trigger...he thought silently.
-----
It was all becoming clear now, she thought. That was why Matthew reacted so furiously to Jason. It was why he had distanced himself from Jason in the first place. Jason reminded him of what happened to his sister.
Mia couldn't help but feel for Matthew. His reactions towards her made sense in a weird way.
There was just one question left...how did his sister die? Quieting her thoughts, Mia listened to Matthew.
"My sister only spoke about what happened to her once. She said there were two men. That was it. Her arm was broken. Her face had bruises. She was a mess...but she didn't cry or say anything." He sounded puzzled as he recounted his sister's memory.
"Once she was out of the hospital. It was like nothing had happened. She started working. My parents watched over her, but then she moved out. She just left."
-----
He could still remember how he had felt when he helped Luciana move. He had dreaded it the entire time. Every time they talked, Matthew would look at her, and there was always something in her eyes that bothered him. Like she was someone else, not his sister anymore.
She would talk to him, but it felt different. He had known back then that her demons still tormented her, every time he suggested going to a doctor Luciana would shoot him down.
"Look, little brother, I don't need some quack doctor telling me what's wrong. I already know what's wrong." She would tell him angrily.
Sometimes she would completely ignore him, and ask about his own life.
'Matty, I hope you know that when you are rich and famous, you're going to have to take care of our parents.' She had told him once, when they were talking about his burgeoning football career. Almost as though she had known her time was coming to an end.
It was hard not to remember the large blue eyes that had listened intently to his football stories. Her crooked smile, as she told him what he was like as a baby. His heart ached to hear his sister tell him how well he had played the game.
'You know I love how you play, Matty. You're my amazingly talented baby brother.' She had told him proudly, after a game when he had started to play in the Italian minor league.
He remembered the day he had gotten signed to Juventus. He had gone straight to a jewellery store and bought her the heart pendant.
'Matty! Why on earth would you get me this?' She had asked in awe.
'You're my sister.' He had replied, hoping that now she would know just how much he needed her in his life. 'You've always supported me. I wouldn't have gotten this far without you.'
'Our parents have supported you too, you know.' She had replied looking a little cross with him. Before Matthew could say anything Luciana had pulled him in to a hug.
Those were kind of the times where Matthew would try to remember exactly how Luciana looked, and what her voice sounded like; thinking that it could be one of the last times he was seeing his sister the way she used to be.
That day when she let him go, Matthew couldn't forget the look in her eyes. There was no spark. Nothing that showed her once captivating spirit. It was just blank. He had taken in the sight of her. There were lines on her arms, cuts that had healed recently. He had ignored them, Luciana had told him she had stopped.
I should have known then, Matthew thought with regret. I should have known she couldn't stop...I should have gotten her help.
-----
There was quiet between them. Mia could feel him breathe in deeply. His composure was still there. Matthew hadn't let her go, his hands still held her own; but he was in a world of his own.
"So what happened?" Mia asked hesitantly. He had yet to tell her how his sister died. So far Mia could only think of why he blamed himself. He was angry that his sister had gotten hurt. But what does that have to do with her death? Mia wondered.
"It was a few years later. I was 18..." Mia was startled at the sound of his voice. She hadn't been expecting him to answer so soon.
-----
"I was 18...Luciana was 23..." He started. He hated recounting this part. He hated remembering what had happened.
"My mother and Lucy used to talk everyday. It was a routine after what happened. When Lucy moved out, my mother would call her every day at lunch and after her work." He told Mia.
"One day, my mother called at lunch but Luciana said she was busy with work or something. So around six, my mother called again. Luciana wasn't picking up the phone. It was odd...Luciana was always a punctual person. She hated being late. If it was six and my mother hadn't called, she would pick up the phone and call asking what was wrong."
He remembered his mother's frantic call. He had been coming home from practice when his mother told him to check up on his sister.
"I was told to check and see where Luciana was. So on my way home I went to her apartment. She had a plant with a spare key underneath. When she didn't answer the door...I opened it."
He remembered calling out her name. Hearing the water running, he could still feel the brief relief that she was home and alright.
In his mind he was there...back in the apartment, right about to knock on the bathroom door.
'Luciana!' He had called for her. 'Lucy!' He had banged on the door.
"My sister had never gotten better after the attack." He admitted out loud.
"The guys that had done that to her, had never been caught."
Pausing to gather himself, Matthew found himself back at the apartment. Having banged the door, he had told himself to wait five minutes. If she still doesn't answer I'm going to have to go in, he had dreaded.
Those five minutes had gone by too quickly. He had walked over to her desk in her room, and opened the drawer hoping to find his sister's chocolate reserve. Instead he had found a letter written to him.
Inside the envelope was the locket he had bought her, and a letter. His sister's neat writing on the page. He had only glanced at it quickly before running back to the bathroom door and banging, shoving the envelope in to his pocket.
"She was never the same after that..."
-----
Her own heart felt heavy as she listened to Matthew.
"Luciana had become one of those cutters..." As he told her, Mia held him closer.
"I had tried to get her to stop, but she didn't. My mother had cried when she saw the marks. Luciana promised each time that she would stop, and every time I would see the new marks she would try to cover, I would tell her to stop. Maybe I gave up at some point, but I thought she would finally get it and stop."
So that was why he felt like he was to blame, Mia thought. Much like her, he had known his sister's dark secret. She was starting to understand why she felt comfortable with him. He had experienced the same kind of pain and guilt as her.
"I walked in to the apartment, and called for her but there was no answer...so I waited and called again. Still she wasn't saying anything. I heard the water on so I knocked on the bathroom door. Still no answer."
Unable to breath, Mia clutched on tightly to Matthew. The end was near.
-----
"I gave her five minutes." Matthew skipped over the part about the locket. That was the only part he couldn't bring himself to tell her. The locket... Luciana had given it back to him...
'Matty, I want you to give this to the girl you love someday.' She had written to him.
"I didn't even wait that long. I found her letter to me...and I panicked. I barged in to the bathroom...I saw her lying in the tub. Her eyes closed and there was a trail of bright red blood going in to the drain. The water was running. Her clothes were soaked with blood."
He could feel the bile rising up, at the memory.
"I lifted her out of the tub, and I called the police. I saw a bottle of pills beside the tub. I didn't know how long she had been in there. I called my parents, I tried CPR. It was too late..."
-----
"It was too late..."
Mia's heart fell as she heard him say the words. Her own tears were streaming down her face. His voice hoarse. He sounded lost, and forsaken.
Looking at his face, she saw a wet trail down his cheeks. There was nothing she could do to lessen his pain, so she just held on.
"She wrote that she never blamed me for what happened. She told me she was proud of me. Some times I still think she did it to punish me..." His voice trailed off.
Mia could understand how he felt. When Max had died, she had thought it was his way getting back her. She still thought of how her mother had said she had abandoned her brother.
What was I supposed to do? What could have Matt done? She asked herself.
"Matthew, you couldn't have done anything. If she wanted to die, she would have done it no matter what anyone said. Just like my brother...I tried to get him to stop...but it was up to him and he didn't want to." She told him, her own voice cracking.
They were so different, yet so alike. Both of them had suffered the loss of a sibling in some horrific manner.
"I know...I tell myself that every time I think of her. When I come home, I can't breathe because everything in this country reminds me of my sister. I wish I didn't hate coming back as much as I do..." He said, quietly.
That explained a lot, she thought. He had been distancing himself from everything since before the trip.
"I miss her..." He whispered. Mia could feel herself choke up. Tears were freely falling down her face. There was nothing she could do to stop them. His pain was much like her own.
"I know..." She answered. I miss my brother too, she thought, as they sat together, rocking with pain.
As silence settled over them, Mia noticed how tired Matthew was. His grip on her hands was loosening. Nudging him to rest his head on the pillow, Mia lay beside him, his back to her.
Holding on to his arm, Mia kept watch as Matthew drifted off in to sleep. It wasn't long before she too joined him in slumber.