Ups and Downs

Alex.

I sang along to the radio as I drove to school. When mine and Tay's song came on the tears started flowing from my eyes without a warning. I missed her like hell, and she was always just out of my reach. If I came within twenty feet of her her brother would be at her side death glaring me. I wouldn't normally be scared of a sophomore, but if looks could kill I'd be dead two hundred times over. I missed the feeling of Tay's hand in mine and the sound of her voice as we drove to school. I dried my eyes before I got out of my car when I got to school. Everyone seemed to be talking about me as I walked by. According to Sierra and Cass, Tay was almost six months pregnant and oh boy was it obvious. I noticed Tay alone at her locker, which had become a very rare sight. Someone was always with her. It was comforting to know everyone was taking care of her even though I wouldn't. I hadn't talked to her since we broke up, but I started bugging everyone to find out how she was. She dropped a book as she took it out of her locker and looked at it as if she were willing it to just return to her hands. I walked over and picked it up for her.

"Thanks," she said not yet realizing who had helped her.

"How are you?" I asked. She finally looked at me and her mouth hung open.

"I'm fine," she answered bitterly.

"How is she?" I asked quietly. She stopped what she was doing and dropped a hand to her stomach.

"She's healthy," she whispered back.

"Look, Tay-" I started only to have Devin appear at her side and cut me off.

"What are you doing Gaskarth?" he hissed.

"I was just find out how she and my baby were," I responded annoyed.

"They're fine. Now get lost. She doesn't need you fucking with her heart," he told me and pulled Tay down the hallway. She looked back at me with apologetic eyes as Devin escorted her to homeroom. I shook my head and headed to my own locker. I wasn't sure what I was doing talking to Tay. Devin was right. I just needed to get lost and stop toying with Tay's heart.

Tay.

I couldn't stop thinking about my conversation with Alex. It was the first time he had talked to me since I had stormed out of his bedroom. I was slightly annoyed at Devin for abruptly ending it. Alex seemed legitimately concerned about me and his daughter. I wanted to know what he had to say. At the same time, I didn't want to know. What if he was going to tell me he never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again? But what if he wanted to get back together? All my thoughts were centered around Alex all day until I was sent running to the bathroom to throw up. I moaned and slumped against the stall wall. Lindsey was sent looking for me and sat next to me after I opened the door for her.

"What did Alex want?" she asked after a couple of moments of silence.

"To see how we were doing," I shrugged before turning back to the toilet to vomit more.

"That's it?" I nodded as she pulled me up from the floor. "Devin feels bad about dragging you away."

"He was just trying to protect me. I know that."

"Mom's taking us out tonight. She wants to talk about everything and find out our decisions about tomorrow." Tomorrow was the anniversary of our dad's death. We had the choice of either going to school or staying home every year. I normally went to school but between hormones and the nature of the day I had no clue how I would be. "I miss him," Lindsey whispered with tears in her eyes as we got back to our classroom. She handled things differently than I did.

"I do too," I answered and hugged her as she let out a few sobs.

"Don't think he isn't proud of you because of this Tay. He would be right at your side through all of this and supporting you completely." I nodded at her and we went back into class.

~

Dinner was somber to say the least. Nobody was talking even though there were so many things that needed to be said. We all kept staring at the empty chair as if it would suddenly be filled by dad. I put my hand on my stomach as my daughter kicked me. I couldn't help but hope she would ease the pain of dad not being here.

"He wouldn't want us to be sitting here silent," Sam said, finally breaking the silence.

"No. No he wouldn't. What have you all decided about tomorrow?" my mother asked.

"I want to go to school," Sam said. Lindsey and Devin both nodded their heads.

"Tay?" my mom asked me.

"I want to stay home," I told her quietly. My siblings all looked surprised. This was the first time I stayed home since the day it happened.

"Okay sweetie," my mom smiled at me. "Now, you're over half way through your pregnancy. We need to start making plans," she added. I let out an exaggerated breath. This would be the first time I really talked about it with my family. I looked at my mother blankly not knowing where to begin. "Have you thought about names? Or looked at cribs? Or bags? Or clothes? Or thought about a job? Or day care?" she asked. I shook my head. She let out a deep sigh. "Tay, this is a big deal. Decisions need to be made. Are you sure you want to keep her?" I nodded.

"I'm a sophomore in high school mom. This hasn't exactly been the first thing on my mind."

"You're also twenty three weeks pregnant Taylor!" my mom exclaimed at me. The restaurant turned to look in our direction. My mom calmed herself down, not wanting to start a scene. "She needs to start being the first thing on your mind. She's your responsibility, Tay. I'm sorry you have to do this alone, but that little girl has a very strong mother and I know you can handle this. I honestly think you're going to be a fantastic mother Tay."

"Brooklynn Rae," I said suddenly. My mother looked at me confused and in shock.

"What?"

"Her name. I want to name her Brooklynn Rae," I answered. My mother nodded.

"Tomorrow we can go shopping for her since you won't be at school."

~

"There's so many things I need," I said to my mom as I looked over the list she made for me. So far we had found a car seat and stroller.

"It's going to be quite a change to have a baby around. I think you should breast feed. It's what's best for her," my mother said as she made weird faces at all the different types of formula.

"I can try," I mumbled as I inspected diapers. "Why is this all so confusing?" My mother laughed at me.

"We can hold off on this stuff for a few months. Let's look at furniture." I nodded and followed her through the store. I kept getting weird looks as I was obviously very young and very pregnant. I felt huge even though I hadn't gotten that big yet. My small frame made my bump much more prominent though. "We need to get white furniture so it matches your room. Why don't you look at bedding? I'll compare cribs," my mother instructed and sent me to the next aisle. Everything was so overwhelming.

"Don't worry. Everything will be perfect. I love you," I said to my stomach. 'And hopefully your father will decide he wants us,' I added in my head.