Kill Me in a Record Shop

I was working in this record shop for just a week, when I met Martin. He was a tall dark haired guy. Slender but with defined muscles. His tattooed arms impressed me and I remember staring at him, while he walked into the shop.

''Good morning.'', he greeted and I nodded hastily. I averted my curious eyes and continued to arrange some Elvis Presley records. A group of boys, not much younger than I was, walked into the shop, loudly laughing. Annoyed I looked up and watched them going trough the records, which were on sale. I continued working, when I heard them talk about 'something cheap to destroy'. I rolled my eyes, walked behind the counter to write something down. 'Don't forget to buy coffee powder!' It was the third day in a row I left the house without drinking coffee and I really needed my caffeine. I let go of the pen I used, but it rolled down the counter. I sighed and bent down to pick it up.
''Excuse me?'' I hit my head against the counter and straightened up again. The gorgeous guy looked down, his sapphire blue eyes examined me.
''Can you help me?'' I nodded and my hands messed my caramel colored hair automatically.
''Yeah.'', I said walking next to him. His face was distinctive and he seemed kinda rough.
''I was looking for Simon and Garfunkel records.'' His voice was deep and raspy.
''Oh, okay. Let's have a look.'' I conducted him to a box in the middle of the room. The group of boys still discussed about, which record they wanted to destroy.
''Which one do you want? I think they have to be somewhere here...''
''Bridge over troubled water.'' We flipped through the big box, in opposition to each other.

Our fingers touched when we both grabbed for the record. I literally felt the sparks fly from his fingertips over my skin into my stomach. I went tingly all over. It was the first time it ever crossed my mind that he would leave my record shop after he paid. I didn't want him to leave, I needed him to stay. I later wanted him to stay forever. Yes, that's what I still wanted, but he wouldn't come back to me. Never.

When we touched he shrank back, but I acted like I didn't notice it and handed him the record.
''So Simon and Garfunkel...why's that?'', I asked to fill the awkward silence. Suddenly I saw something like fire in his eyes. The vision you have when you talk about the thing you love the most. I hoped his love applied to music not the guys of this duo.
''They were the first live musical performance I ever experienced. On a VHS recording.'' He laughed and it made my heart melt.
''I watched it and sang along when I was three years old.'' He shrugged and slowly started walking to the counter. I followed quickly.
''I've had a obsession for music ever since. The song 'Homeward Bound' hits home pretty hard, you know?'' I nodded even though I didn't really know and named the price. The group of boys went to the counter as well, one of them holding a 'The Twins at St. Claire's' record. Martin gave me the money and voiced under his breath something like 'looking around again'.
''Hello. Did you find what you've been looking for?'', I asked, taking the record from the boy.
''We're shooting a video and need to destroy a record.''
''Ouch.'', I joked and placed a hand over my heart.
''Sorry.'', the boy said and handed me the money. When they left I sighed and looked over to the guy, who stood there shaking his head.
''I'm sorry for your loss.'', he grinned and walked back to the counter. I sighed again, yawned and rubbed my eyes. It was only noon and I was already tired to death.
''Need some coffee?'', the guy teased. I chuckled and upheld my note.
''Yeah. I really need to buy some coffee powder I'm out of caffeine for three days.'' His bright blue eyes flashed and I totally cursed myself for not having such beautiful eyes.
''Do you want to get some coffee with me? I just wanted to walk over to Starbucks.''

That was the first time he ever asked me out. At some point later he told me he asked because of my eyes, but I never believed him. I should have believed him before it was too late! But really his sapphire eyes were so much more gorgeous than my brown ones. However we had our date and that's all that mattered. We walked over to his old white Cherokee and he tucked the record away. I felt the need to say something so I complimented him on his car. He said it was a gift of his ex-boyfriend. Well, that made my world a lot happier. Boyfriend. Even better, ex-boyfriend.

It was another boring day and I decided to use the stereo system I had in the back room. As soon as the music played some customers entered the record shop. So I was distracted for a few minutes. But it was still too early to close the shop. Frustrated I turned up the music and started cleaning some shelves.
''Close the door and take the stairs, up or down, ups and downs, don't pretend you're never been there...'' I sang along the words of a 'The academy is' song. I danced with a feather duster in my hand around not realizing someone else walked into the room.
''What's with you and dancing to indie rock?'' I turned around pretty surprised. Martin stood there.
''Hey. You're here!'' I ran up to him, wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him.
''My boss told me to have a night off. So we have time to do other things.'' He grinned at me with his typical sinister smile and I melted away.
''I was hoping you'd say that.'' He pressed his lips to mine and rest one hand on my cheek. I kissed back without hesitation. If there would be another customer he should come back. Martin was thinking the same thing I guessed, because he leaned away to change the light switch near the door. He was right, there was no need to leave the light on, because we were alone. We started kissing passionately. My arms snaked up around his neck, tangling in the dark brown strands of his hair. His tongue slipped into my mouth. He pushed me backwards against the next wall and presses a gentle kiss onto my neck, making me sigh at the touch of his lips.
''As much as I'd love to go on...'' I murmured. ''...I think we should drive to my apartment and continue there.'' Martin grunted in response and sucked at my skin. Suddenly he took my hands and spun me around.
''Come on let's dance to this one!'' I giggled and started to jump around.
''Come on a Monday, Come on a Tuesday, They'll never know, pop off a cork for Wednesday...'', I sang happily, stealing little kisses every now and then.
''We should totally drink the red wine I just bought tonight. It's our 'One-month-anniversary'.''
''You remember that?'', I asked and stopped spinning us like crazy.
''Of course I do! Because I love you, Alex.'' The record stopped and I looked at him wide-eyed.
''I love you, too, Martin.''

It was the first time we ever said 'I love you' but from this moment on everything got worse. It all started with his band. Their bassist left the band because of his job. He had to move to the west coast. Martin totally hit the rock bottom, but he still had me. But at some point I realized a change in his behavior. He wasn't as frolic as he was at the time I met him. Sometimes he came home drunk and totally devastated. He said things like:''I don't know what to do anymore, the band is all I have in my life and now we are falling apart. I only have this stupid job and I'm a nogoodnik!'' I felt helpless and I could tell him he would be the most important thing to me, but he wouldn't believe me. But a few weeks later it got even worse.

''Hey, I'm home! How are y-what happened?'' Martin came into my living-room. Well, our living-room, he just moved in a few days ago. I put his cellphone down and stood up.
''What? You are so pale, what happened?'' I knew he would freak out, but I had to speak out.
''Paul just called.'' I took a deep breath and reached for his hands.
''John...he is...he had an accident.'' Martin let go of my hands, looking even more concerned.
''He is...John is...?'' I nodded and pulled him close. It took a while for him to start realizing one of his best friends had died. Martin's throat escaped a choked sob, then he pushed me away and screamed:
''No! John! No!'' I tried grabbing him again, but he went totally hysterical.
''No! This can't be! What happened?'' Tears started streaming down his beautiful face.
''He got hit by a car, when he walked across a parking lot. The driver was drunk.'', I managed to say quietly.
''How can he be dead? I just don't understand!'' Martin's penetrating gaze seemed to go right through me. I just didn't know what to say.
''I know, Martin. It's hard, it's hard to believe.'', I nearly choked on my own words. But he just shook his head, wiped the tears off his face and grabbed his cellphone from the coffee table. I looked at him unable to say what he would do next.

Until this day I had never seen him cry. It was scary how his strong facade started to crumble. His dark blue eyes lost their somehow disparaging look, turning into a despaired ocean filled with lucent tears. Martin then stormed into the bedroom, locking the door behind him. I sat down on my couch and clasped my arms around my middle. It teared me up inside to see Martin like this, but I figured out he needed to call his best friend.

''Alex? I'm going out!'', Martin yelled later, while he ran out of the bedroom.
''Can't you stay here with me? We could watch a movie or make something else that will cheer you up!'', I begged, walking after him. But he already had his car keys, threw an angry look at me and walked out the door.

John's death put the band over the edge. They officially broke up and of course this didn't make the situation any better. Not only was Martin a wreck, he didn't even bothered trying to care for me. Well, he was working, I was working, but in between he every so often came home drunk having fits of rage or crying. The day of John's funeral wasn't an exception.

I heard the door slammed shot. Worried I stood up seeing Martin walking directly into the bathroom. I attempted to knock on the door, but I paused for a moment and decided to wait. I heard the shower and sighed. I guessed he wouldn't tell me where he went last night. I walked into the kitchen to make coffee. I needed to leave soon, but I wanted to talk to Martin first. I sat down on a chair staring at the clock next to the fridge. The shower was turned of and a little later Martin walked out of the bathroom into a black suit, his hair still wet. Even with his desolated look on his face he looked like an angel to me. He ran his finger through his dark brown hair, focusing his sapphire eyes on me.
''Coffee?'', I asked carefully. He shook his head looking to the clock.
''Paul is picking me up anytime soon.'' I sighed again, not wanting him to leave. He also didn't want me to come with him, which was comprehensible to me, because I've never met John. Moreover mostly family and friends came, so I would totally be out of place. Martin turned around to leave the flat. I followed him with hesitant steps.
''See you later.'', Martin said without looking back, leaving me to stand in the door case.
''I love you, Martin!'', I cried out. He stopped in his tracks, turning around slowly. With a few steps he was in front of me and took my face into his hands.
''I love you, too, Alex. Don't you ever forget that!'', he whispered and kissed me gently. Martin then turned around, leaving the building. How much I wanted to believe him, I felt 'our raft' break. It was like wood worms were eating away at the wood it was made of, making it slowly drifting apart.

My day started worse. Letting your boyfriend attend the funeral of one of his friends wasn't enjoyable at all. Working in my record shop was lonely, and I didn’t feel like turning up the music and dancing around. But the end of the day was truly unbeatable. In the worst way.

''Alexander! Alex! Alexander William!'' I heard Martin yelling my name before he didn't even opened the door. He sounded drunk. I closed my eyes again and tried to look asleep. I wasn't in the mood for his discomfort. The bedroom door swung open and a pretty crinkled Martin entered the room.
''Alex?'', Martin sounded broken-hearted. I sighed and turned around.
''Good morning Martin.'', I said unemotional, watching the neon red number of the clock changing to 3 am.
''Alexander, please listen to me!'' Martin knelt down next to my side of the bed.
''I am listening, Martin.'' Then I looked Martin over. His clothes were pretty disheveled, his hair was messy, but in a hectic way.
''You know, after the funeral we went to a bar...'' Actually it seemed that he was half-way sober right now, what meant he didn't drink for at least a few hours. So he had to have a good excuse.
''...and we got pretty fast pretty much wasted...'' Martin took my hand and I raised one eyebrow in confusion.
''...and, and...I'm so sorry, Alex!''
''Jeez! Martin just say it. You can tell me anything.'', I said, but I regretted it the next moment.
''Paul and I kissed. We made out! I'm so sorry.'', Martin yelled and squeezed my hand. I looked at him not able to say something. He grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. Bright blue locked with brown.
''I'm really sorry! I didn't know what was happening. But we kissed. His lips were right in front of me and then...I'm so sorry, Alex!''
''I can't believe it.'', I finally said, shaking off his hands. I stood up, he imitated me.
''Please leave.'', I whispered eerily calm.
''Alex, please! No, don't do that to me!''
''Martin, you can sleep on the couch. I don't want to see you anytime soon!'', I gave point to my words, while pointing to the door. Martin nodded and walked to the door, but then turned around.
''It meant nothing, Alex, I promise. I'll always love you more than Paul. He is just my best friend. You mean the world to me...''
''You should show it then!'', I said closing the door behind him. The moment I turned the key I started crying uncontrollably. How could he do that to me? At least he told me himself! At least I didn't had to find out on my own! At least he didn't lie to me! He was having a tough time and I still loved him. I took a deep breath, wiped away my tears and opened the door. The light was still off, but I could see Martin's frame sitting on the couch, the face in his hands.
''Martin, I forgive you.'' He looked up.
''You do?'' I sighed.
''Don't get me wrong, I am pretty mad. But I couldn’t live without you, because I love you, and I think you know that.'' I didn't know if I was too generous, but I like him rather stay with me, than break up with him.
''I'm so sorry. '', he whispered. Martin touched my face softly, running his thumb down my jawline.
''I never wanted to hurt you. I felt so vulnerable. But I know I'll never want anybody else except you.''

That was exactly what I wanted to hear. A small smile appeared on his face and I knew this smile was all I wanted. I let him take me into his arms and I pulled him close, trying to make him feel alright. This was the first time I ever thought about us breaking up. Not that I wanted us to go separate ways, but lately it's been a rough time. Us being together forevermore was a strange thought. Moreover I didn't expect him to propose to me. Was that a bad sign? Maybe, because our losing streak went on. One day Martin broke some new bad news to me. He got fired for coming to work drunk. I wasn't surprised actually. Lately I didn't saw him sober very often. But I couldn't stop him from drinking, because he never told me where he was going. In a word, our relationship crumbled more and more.

It was another lonely night, when I tried to call Martin. He promised to be with me tonight. We wanted to watch the 'The Lord of the Rings'- Marathon. Like I almost expected he showed up way too late, luckily not even that drunk.
''I'm so sorry, Alex! I am too late!'' He said it, but I wasn't sure if he meant it. I shrugged, walking back into the living room. Martin went to the bathroom, when suddenly his cellphone rang. I took it from the coffee table where I placed it before after realizing Martin forgot it.
''You've got a message.'', I yelled.
''Open it.'', Martin said, using the flush. I did like he said, but it was the worst thing I could have done.
''hey martin. Truly enjoyed the night. Think we should have some fun in your bed next time. My room mate was kinda annoyed. Tell me when your little boyfriend goes out. ;) matt''
My mouth dropped. But I was holding back, holding back all the emotions, that were just about to come out of me. Martin came out of the bathroom smiling at me. He smiled at me!?
''So do you think we should curl up...hey what's up?'' He sounded so happy, so relaxed. I held up his cellphone. He looked at me then at the cellphone.
''What's wrong?'', he said sounding slightly nervous. I still hadn't the power to say anything, just waiting for him to read the message. Martin frowned and looked at the display.
''I...this is...'', His voice was soft when he slowly glanced at me. I saw guilt and insecurity in his incredibly blue eyes, but not that it mattered. All I could focus on was the burning of the deep cut in my heart. Tears were starting to well in my eyes.
''I can't believe you did this! How could you?!'' Martin opened his mouth, but I didn’t let him start.
''All the time I wanted to comfort you! I wanted to love you! I loved you, Martin!'', I shouted. The sight of Martin looking so scared didn't even bother me. I was so angry and upset! I couldn't understand anything!
''I tried to help you, but you pushed me away! All the time I was the one, who got yelled at. I was the one, who had to deal with the crying!'', I shouted, pulling on my hair.
''But I still loved you all along! You changed so much, Martin! But you didn't show any love or affection since Morgan left the band!'' I needed to take a deep breath and Martin used this little pause to actually speak.
''Let me please explain!''
''Fine! Tell me, whatever you wanna say!'', I said, digging my nails into the palms of my hands, gritting my teeth. Martin nodded, avoiding my angry eyes.
''Matt got fired, too. He invited me to some drinks and we talked and shit. He was my ex-boyfriend, okay?! We got caught up in the moment...'', he tried to explain as fast as possible.
''So caught up in the moment that you drive home with him and forget about your boyfriend!?''
Martin didn't say anything, he just looked down ashamed.
''What happened to us? You became an egotistical prick. You fooled me once, but I forgave you. I won't let you fool me twice!...''
''I'm so sorry!'' Martin made a step forward, trying to grab my hands, but I stepped aside.
''This isn't going to change my mind!''
''I am so, so sorry, Alex! I am so sorry! I don't know how I can ever make it up to you, but I...''
''You won't.'', I interrupted.
''You will leave now. I don't want to see you ever again!''
''But...''
''I will pack your things, you can pick them up tomorrow, after that I don't want to meet you ever again!'', I repeated hard-faced. Still on the verge of tears I grabbed his arms and shoved him back into the floor.
''No! Please, Alex! I still love you! Please don't leave me!'' I opened the door, pointing outside.
''This is where we end. Goodbye!'' He looked at me in disbelieve, but made a step outside. I gave him a push and slammed the door. Suddenly a sob wrenched through my lips, tears spilling over my cheeks. I sank down on the floor, leaning against the door. Tears continued to fall down, while I pulled up my knees. Placing my head on my legs I cried without restraint. Cried about the loss. Cried because everything was shattered in pieces.