Kill Me in a Record Shop

I was lonely now, but I was already before. Martin's and my relationship had ended. It ended in a cruel way, but I was better off without him. He could live with some other guy. Whoever could try to fix him, I was done. I didn't even know why I forgave him the first time. I didn't regret my decision, but I regretted that I broke my own heart. I still loved him but we had no future. I never wanted to see him again and I didn't want to start over. That was what I told him, when he picked up his things the next day. He was crying and begged me to accept his apology. But I wouldn't forgive him breaking my heart, cheating on me, making my life miserable.

A week had past and I was so glad I hadn't seen Martin yet. The cut in my heart was just starting to grow together. Today I had decided to clean the whole shop. Recently I found dust bunnies everywhere and the records needed a new sorting, too. Cleaning up was a good method to get things off of one's mind. So I turned up the music and started turning my shop upside down.
''Hello Alex.'' I looked at him and the record stopped. It made an awful noise and then it was silent.
''I told you that I didn't want to see you again. What's so difficult about it, Martin!?'' I threw the cloth onto the counter and drew myself to full height.
''I-I know. I...just missed you so much.'' He sounded sober, but not good. Not good at all, he sounded broken. But I couldn’t care less, because my heart started to bleed again.
''You missed me? Yeah, when you are sober!'' He shook his head in desperation.
''I haven't been drunk since...since we broke up!'' I bit my lip, trying to keep cool.
''Good for you.'' I walked over to a shelf with records and started to sort them. Martin still stood in the middle of the room. I sighed and turned around halfway.
''Anything else?'' Martin didn't know what to say, his blue eyes becoming watery.
''If not...I have work to do. Good Bye, Martin.'' I turned back around, displacing records without thinking. My hands were shaking and I just wanted him to go and take the pain with him.
''Please say anything I could do for you...'', Martin spoke in an astonished way.
''You annoy me! Just leave!'', I yelled over to him, running to another corner of the record shop.
''Can we please start all over again! I need you, Alex!'', he screamed through the record aisles. I rolled my eyes ignoring the pounding of my broken heart.
''No! Just no!'' I stomped past him towards the window side of the room.
''Alexander! Listen to me!'' He ran up to me getting hold of my hands. Angry I managed to push him off me taking some records back to the counter.
''I'm afraid that everything I'm about to say to make you leave will go in one ear and right back out the other so I will choose to ignore you!'', I said and piled up some brochures.
''I want you back, really. I really mean it. What I did was wrong!'' I kept my mouth shut.
''Alex, I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry for breaking your heart!'' He leaned against a box full of records. I clenched my teeth because ignoring Martin only had the effect that he won't stop talking to me maybe until he sees my barricades breaking down. But I wasn't willing to let this happen.
''Okay Martin, stop! I say it one last time: Please leave me alone or I'll call the cops!'' He just shrugged.
''I have plenty of time...'', he said with a blood-curdling voice. I frowned and squatted behind the counter to tidy up some of the accumulated things in the drawers.
''Alex, don't ignore me! I know that you in fact still love me!'' I closed my eyes praying he would just go. He was so damn right, but I didn't need his shit in my life. I had this record shop, my friends and I needed nothing else. Suddenly my hand felt something cold in one of the drawers. Curious I pulled the thing out and gasped for air, when I realized it was a small handgun.
''Alex?'' I ignored his worried voice. A sinister smile appeared on my face and I giggled. Now I remembered. The former owner of the shop left the gun behind for me, in case there would be a thief, but I never thought there would be someone dumb enough to come into the shop and steal a record. But now I had an use for the weapon. Slowly I stood up and pointed with the gun at Martin.
''I have a gun. If I were you, I would take my heels.'' But Martin seemed pretty unimpressed.
''You don't even know how to use this thing.'', he said dryly. I cleared my throat.
''Well, but I think I'll find the trigger.''
''The gun isn't even cocked and rotated.''
''Come on, Martin! Leave my record shop!'', I said stressed.
''No.'', he stated, walking a few steps towards me. My hands were shaking, but my grip tightened around the gun.
''I say it one last time, please leave, Martin. I'm not fucking kidding!''
''I'm not kidding either, Alexander. I still love you, and I want you back.'' His voice sounded so sincere, but my whole body kept shaking. I was too afraid to let my real feelings show. I couldn’t start again, I just couldn't. Martin looked at me with his sapphire blue eyes, then he made a swift movement towards me and I winced.

One single shot went off. The loud sound let my eardrums ring. The gun fell out of my hand, when I stared at my counterpart.
''Alex?'' I heard my name, but I was petrified with horror. Martin fell on his knees, then broke down. Suddenly I felt my feet again and ran up to him. I pulled Martin to my lap and stared at him.
''Martin!'', I gasped. The blood gushed out of his chest and he didn't answer.
''Fuck!'', I whispered, grabbed into my pocket for my cellphone and dialed the emergency. Afterward I realized Martin was slowly opening his eyes.
''Stay awake, please!'', I screamed panic-fueled. I took off my plaid shirt pressed it onto the wound.
''I...''
''Don't talk, pretty please. I'm here with you. You're not alone.'', I mumbled. I tried to sound consoling, but my inside was torn in pieces. I shot him! What happened? I didn't even know there was a bullet inside the gun! Everything needed to be fine again!
''I'm glad that I have you.'', Martin aspirated.
''Shush. Help is on it's way.'' I closed my eyes and sent an arrow prayer to heaven.
''Alex!'', Martin panted.
''Don't speak. Save your energy.'' One of my arms was wrapped around him, the other brushed his dark hair out of his forehead.
''You're crying. Don't cry, Alex.'', he whispered. I did? Yeah, of course I cried!
''I-I can't help it!''
''I still really love you. Please believe me!'' With labored breaths he continued.
''I'm so sorry. I loved you so much. Please forgive me.'' I looked into his broken eyes and forgot everything that had happened. In this moment I was aware of him, laying in my arms and the evanescence of his life.
''I forgive you, Martin, but please hang on!'', I cried. He was so weak, he could hardly press my hand. My tears streamed down my face and dropped onto the shockingly red fabric.
''I'm here.'', I said again, pulling him carefully closer.
''Alex, listen to me, before I'm gone.''
''Yeah, yeah, I'm listening.'', I told him. He was shaking so much I almost couldn't understand him.
''I know you didn't want to shoot me. I wished I hadn't hurt you, you didn't deserve it. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. And hey, if we won't see each other again, please tell me you'll miss me.'' He closed his eyes and I screamed at him.
''No! Martin! You will live, you idiot! I love you! Stay awake!'' I pressed my face against his palm. His quavery thumb tried to wipe my tears away. This made me cry even harder. Martin kind of smiled, but seemed to far away.
''You love me?'' I had to read his lips and nodded.
''Yes! Whatever happens. Always! Please stay with me! The ambulance is almost there!'' Martin seemed to collapse, but he managed to say:
''But you won't forget me, will you?'' I swallowed. Martin closed his eyes again and I yelled in panic at him:
''I will never forget you, Martin! Never!'' Suddenly I heard sirens advancing.
''They're coming, Martin!'' But he didn't answer anymore.
''Martin!'' I shook him and he finally opened his heavy eyelids.
''One last kiss?'', he begged. His smile wasn't even observable anymore. I leaned down to him.
''No, this is no good bye for good.''
''Your kiss will be the ultimate.'', he whispered and his eyelids flickered. I pressed my lips on his. His movements were weak, but I felt so much sorrow and pain that I almost choked on it. I broke our kiss, when I heard the paramedics opening the ambulance doors. The siren echoed in my head.
''I love you, Alex.''
''I love you, too.'' Martin's blue eyes closed and he suddenly felt heavy. He did his dying breath, when the paramedics rushed into the record shop. They pulled me off him, leaving me with empty hands. I couldn't understand what they did. I saw how they tried to reanimate him. I couldn't hear what was said, but I saw how they carried him outside.
''He is dead.'' The voice sounded like we were underwater. One of the paramedics took my hand and I nodded. I nodded, but I couldn't understand. I killed Martin! He wasn't there anymore!
''I shot him! It was an accident! I never wanted to kill him! I love him!'' The sentences came out of my mouth, but I didn't realize what I said. The paramedic hugged me, but all I felt was pain.

After this day I dealt with my depression. My friends begged me to talk to them, but I couldn't. I went to the police and told my story. And of course I got a summons for my delict. I can't remember the trial, it was all about involuntary manslaughter, self defense and gunplay. In the end I had to go to prison, which was fine with me because I didn’t even know what I would have done anyway. I still couldn't accept Martin's dead. This uneasy feeling that I would never see him again. I was just done. If I could, I would go back in time to fix all the bad things that had happened. I would make Morgan stay and find a job here. I would have stopped that damn drunken person, who ran John over. Maybe the kiss between Martin and Paul would have never happened then. I would have begged Martin's boss to let him stay, so he would have never got drunk with his ex boyfriend, and so they never would have hooked up. Maybe this all would make me feel better now. If I could I would go back in time, just so see Martin's smile again, to see his sapphire eyes sparkling with happiness. I would take time to realize I should have stayed. But now the jail cell walls and my thoughts were the only things I saw right now, while I wished I would have never found the gun, never pointed the fucking loaded gun at Martin, never shot my one and only love.