I Don't Wanna Feel a Thing Anymore.

The world can be so harsh. One day, everything is perfect, and the next, it’s all ripped out from under you. I suppose I was getting too content, and the universe just couldn’t let that happen. I’ve never had it easy. My whole life, things have gone wrong at every turn. My family is a wreck, and has been as long as I can remember. Being the oldest of five, I was always the “encourager”. Nobody cared about my dreams. When I finally found someone that did, he had been taken away.

“Kellin!” I heard my name yelled from the bottom of the stairs. See you’re just wasted and thinking about the past again. Tears pooled in my eyes. His lyrics were always in my head.

“Kellin!” My roommate yelled more forcefully this time. I heard his heavy footsteps running up the stairs. Beau was my best friend, but ever since the funeral, he was terrified I was going to try and off myself. The bedroom door burst open and relief flooded his worried features. “Kell, you can’t do that. You’re thinking too much again.” I flinched back. He knew he couldn’t call me that. Beau sighed and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed, touching my forearm in a comforting gesture. I just nodded. I knew I was making this hard for him; the death had been tough on both of us. I forced a smile, for his sake.

“I’m fine.” I said sharply. I let my smile fall. “I just don’t want to forget…” I trailed off, not wanting to cry in front of Beau. My voice sounded foreign to me, I hadn’t really used it since the funeral, six days ago.

“Let’s go to IHOP.” Beau suggested. I nodded, throwing in another forced smile for good measure. “I’m going to call Valerie and Mike.” He rose from the bed and pulled his phone out of his pocket. I didn’t even know where mine was, probably dead in the couch cushions. I turned to stare back at the bed as Beau left the room. I know he missed Valerie; she lived with us also, but had crashed at a friend's to give me some space. I sighed, looking at the crumpled sheets. I hadn’t changed them yet. Washing them would throw away the last of his scent, something I couldn’t bear to do by choice. “Val’s going to meet us there, but Mike didn’t answer.” Beau announced as he walked back in the room. That was no surprise, considering Mike hadn’t been sober one minute since his brother’s death. Not wanting me to be the awkward third wheel, Beau called Jaime, who agreed to come.

We all met at IHOP around one. Leaving the house was another thing I hadn’t done since the funeral. I pressed my head against the cold car window, thinking about how fast winter seemed to have fallen upon us. He always hated the cold, but I loved it. Last Christmas, I remember sitting by the fire with him. Beau and Val had gone somewhere else, giving us the whole house to ourselves. He had been cuddled up next to me, shivering. I had looked out the window and made a sudden realization.
“IT’S SNOWING!” I had yelled. I remember being as excited as a little kid in a candy shop. I had pulled him to his feet. “Can we go outside?” I had begged, giving him bambi eyes that I knew he couldn’t resist. He had sighed with mock exasperation, grabbing his coat from the chair. “Fine, but only for you, Kell.” He had smiled at me as I laughed and ran in the front yard, pulling him with me. The best part of the memory was the kiss we had shared in the falling snow. In that moment, there had been no one else. It’s hard to believe that that was almost a year ago. It’s even harder to believe that he’s no longer here.

I jolted back to the present when Beau shook me. “Kellin, we’re here.” His voice edged on irritation. He looked a bit nervous, probably because Jaime was going to be here. I knew Valerie and I were the only ones he had seen since the funeral. We walked in and got a table for four, with Val and Jaime arriving in quick succession.

“Hey Kellin.” Valerie smiled at me, pushing her long dark hair out of her face. She slid in next to Beau and kissed him on the cheek. At least he still had his second half. Jaime sat down tentatively on my side of the booth, laying my hand on his shoulder. “How ya holdin’ up?” he asked softly. I let out a dry laugh, which shocked everyone, myself included. That was a stupid question. I gritted my teeth. “Sorry.” I muttered. “I miss him.” I shrugged, leaning back into the back of the booth. Jaime sighed. “Same here.” After attempting to make small talk for a couple minutes, we all decided it would be better to just eat in silence. I looked around the restaurant at the happy families and couples. They didn’t know how lucky they were. I had taken it for granted, living my life in a natural high. But that 16 second call had sobered me up in an instant. The call telling me that Vic Fuentes was dead.