I Don't Wanna Feel a Thing Anymore.

Present Day

I had told Beau I was going to sleep, but there was no way I could do that. I saw him sneak out the back door, and I heard his fight with Valerie. The strange thing was, I didn’t care. I was losing the ability to really feel. It was becoming better and easier to remain oblivious. So I decided to write some lyrics. I hadn’t written since the accident, the death, whatever I chose to call it. There was only one thing I could think every time I sat down: IT’S ALL MY FAULT. If only I had been there, if I had stayed home, if I had missed that call, if I had left the next day, anything.

“We don’t believe he was involved in it. It was an accident, it wasn’t meant for him.” The cop had said. I dwelled on their words, wondering how much Vic had kept from me. What his words had meant. It got worse at night. The sky was darkening already. I waited for the tears to come out of my eyes, but none did. I guess I was all cried out. I put the pencil to paper and it all came out. My problems, my obsession, my regrets.

I couldn’t bear to pick up either of Vic’s guitars to create music for my lyrics. I had never actually had one of my own; I had always just used someone else’s guitar. I stared at my notebook, the words swimming in front of my eyes. Yet another song about Vic, but this time, he wouldn’t be around to hear it. I realized how exhausted I was. I needed a shower, and I needed new music. I grabbed my notebook and went down the hall, colliding with Valerie as she exited the bathroom. She narrowed her eyes, giving me a look that bordered on hostile. Something had changed in her after Vic’s death.

“I thought you were sleeping.” She said flatly. I shrugged.

“I was writing, and now I’m going to take a shower.” I explained.

“Good.” She started to walk back down the hall to her room before turning to speak one last time. “Hey, Kellin? Don’t make this harder on Beau than it already is. Pull your own weight.” She slammed her door before I had a chance to answer. The words stung a bit, but I wasn’t exactly in the state to be getting offended easily. I had other things to worry about.

I heard the front door open, and I decided to get cleaned up before Beau saw me. I did promise that I would try. The shower felt good, and the warm water made me want to sleep even more. But I knew as soon as I layed down, the inevitable thoughts would come rushing back to me. Jaime had spared me the few details that were known about Vic’s death. No one knew the cause, and the only thing I knew was that he had been shot. The police were still investigating. The thought of Vic being in that situation was almost physically painful. My sweet Vic, murdered. As soon as I knew who it was, I would fucking kill them, I swear. I realized I had crushed the bar of soap in my hand, so I rinsed off and got out of the shower quickly, my hands trembling. I downed two of Beau’s sleeping pills, and for the first time in eleven days, I dreamt of nothing.

I woke up at 11 the next morning. I had a terrible headache, and my whole body ached. I dragged myself out of bed, pulling on my tight black jeans and an old crewneck. Every morning was so hard. I had nothing to do, no purpose in my life. I went through my routine quickly and robotically, simply carrying out the actions with no reward. I had nothing to do once these were finished. I decided to go to the music store. I needed a change in pace. I decided on a small shop where Vic’s friend Sierra worked. She greeted me with a gentle hug.

“Kellin! I haven’t seen you in a while!” She had been out of town this weekend, and not able to make it to the funeral. Even though it was a huge elephant in the room, she avoided the topic. “I have something for you.” She said more quietly. This perked my interest slightly. I followed her to the counter, where she pulled out something from underneath the counter.

“I know you may not want this now, but I feel obligated to give it to you. Vic had picked it out for you, and he was setting it aside for Christmas.” She said quietly, handing me a medium sized, cardboard box. Oh god. I couldn’t handle this. I knew if I spoke, the tears would escape. I was glad there was no one else in the store at the moment. Sierra touched my back awkwardly.

“Kellin… just know, he loved you.” She said gravely. I just nodded. I clutched the box close to my chest.

“Thank you, Sierra.” I whispered, a tear falling down my cheek. She wiped it away and gave me another hug. I really couldn’t tell if this box would be good or bad for my sanity, but I did know I would respectfully be waiting until Christmas to open it.

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” She asked. I shook my head and thanked her, leaving the store. I wasn’t in the mood for music anymore. I sat in my car, feeling nauseas and upset. Just as soon as I felt good enough to go home, my phone started to buzz. I sighed and picked it up, feeling the worry set in as I realized it was Jaime calling.

“Hello?”

“Kellin.” His voice sounded abnormally serious. This didn’t help my racing heart. Before I could respond, he spoke again. “Kellin. They still don’t know who did it. But they’ve got the background story. They know why.” My mouth went dry, and my heart dropped through the floor.

“Why?” I asked in a miserable whisper. I heard Jaime’s shaky breaths through the phone.

“He was protecting him, Kellin. He got mixed up with the gangs, they were coming for him…” Jaime wasn’t making any sense at all.

“WHO?” I practically screamed into my phone. I would kill whoever’s fault it was. I would fucking murder whoever was the one getting mixed up in those gangs. The problem is, there were only a few people Vic would lay his life on the line for. And I’m pretty sure I could guess this one is one. Jaime took a deep, shaky breath.

“Mike.”