I Don't Wanna Feel a Thing Anymore.

479 Days Ago

Vic was just as perfect as I ever could have imagined. We went out every Friday night to open mic night, and hung out pretty much every day in addition to that. It was Friday morning, and we were both tired after a long night. Vic was still asleep, so I was making pancakes for him before he woke up. I was kind of our tradition now. Mike had moved in with Frenchi, so Vic had the whole place to himself. I stayed here most nights.
Vic walked in just as the pancakes were finishing up.

“Good morning, babe.” I said with a smile. He came over and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing me softly.

“Looks great, Kell, as always!” He chirped, grabbing a plate. I think he was turning me into more of a morning person; or maybe I just liked being with him no matter when it was. I grabbed my breakfast and sat across from him at the table. “So, what do you want to do today?” He asked me in between bites. I shrugged.

“I have to work later, but we could go do something this morning?” I suggested. Honestly, I didn’t care what we did, as long as we were together. But as soon as I said that, I knew what was coming.

“Let’s go to your house.” Shit. This really was the only source of argument between Vic and I. In the two months we had been together, I still hadn’t told him that I was homeless. Over especially the past two weeks, he had begun to get a little antsy on the topic. I twisted my mouth.

“Can’t we just go to the pool or something?” I whined. Vic sat back in his chair, sighing.

“Kellin. I’m going to have to see your house at some point.” He had never straight up said that before. I tensed up. “Come on, what’s the big secret?” He prodded, taking my hands. “Do you live with your mom? Is it really, really messy? OH, I got it- you sleep with a teddy bear!” He laughed. I gritted my teeth, tears pooling in my eyes.

“Leave it alone, Vic! Leave it the fuck alone!” I yelled, standing up and ripping my hands away from his. I wasn’t sure where the outburst had come from.

“Kellin…” He murmured, looking hurt and confused.

“Fine, Vic. I will tell you. I am fucking homeless. Are you fucking happy now?” I yelled, letting my voice drop on the last few words. I could feel tears falling down my cheeks. I had probably just fucked everything up, like always. I was starting to shake. Vic said nothing; he just sat and stared at me, a broken look in his eyes. “Well?” I demanded. The word came out shrill and annoying, piercing the silence that had fallen between us. He just stood up and wrapped his arms around me. This is not the reaction I had expected.

“You should have told me.” He whispered in my ear. “You know you could stay here, Kellin. Hell, you kind of already do.” His voice was so soothing. I put my arms around his waist and nestled my head into his shoulder.

“I’m really sorry, Vic.” I suddenly felt so ashamed. He just hushed me and comforted me. “I thought you would think I was like, a dirty hobo.” I admitted, earning a little laugh. He pulled away to look me in the eyes.

“Kellin Quinn, you are so much more beautiful than you think you are. I could never, ever think that, baby.” He dropped his hands to my shoulders and reached up to kiss me. “Now, let’s go get your stuff?” he offered, holding out his hand. I nodded, wiping my tears from my cheeks. We walked out to the car, and Vic tossed me the keys, motioning for me to drive. We rode silently to the park where I had my belongings stashed. It felt so surreal bringing him here. A perfect creature like Vic didn’t belong in my fucked up world. We pulled into the park lot, and I sat behind the wheel, taking deep breaths. Vic put his hand on my shoulder.

“Are you okay?” He murmured. I nodded and shut off the car. We walked in slow silence across the park that was filled with kids and couples of all ages. It was sweltering, which was to be expected in late July. I was still terrified that Vic would be repulsed by the place that I had lived for almost a year. His hand found mine squeezing it reassuringly, and all my fears melted away in the summer heat.

We finally reached my bush, back in a corner of the park. There were less people back here, thankfully. I ducked behind the shrub, leading him into the cool shade to where I called home. He surveyed the small niche silently with a bewildered look on his face. A dirty pillow and blanket, and two boxes: one filled with clothes and the other with my hygiene things, a few notebooks, and some pictures. When he still said nothing after a few minutes, I let out a nervous laugh.

“Pretty luxouriuos, right?” I joked shakily. The fear was rushing back.

“Kellin…” Vic said quietly. He looked at me, tears gleaming in his big eyes. My breath hitched; I had never seen Vic cry before. “Get your things. I’m not letting you stay here a second longer.” He sounded so determined. He let go of my hand, reached down and grabbed my box of clothes, stuffing my blanket into it. I picked up my other box and my pillow, hurrying across the sunlit park after my boyfriend. I disregarded all the weird looks we were getting, knowing that we were making kind of a weird scene. He waited at the car, tapping his foot impatiently. I tossed him the keys and he slid into the driver’s seat, setting my things in the back. The second the door closed, his tears started to fall.

“Vic, why are you crying?” I asked, truly bewildered. I took his hand again.

“Kell, no one deserves to live like that. Especially not you.” He stated, as if it should have been obvious to me. “Why didn’t you tell Tony or Jaime? We both know that one of them would have helped you in a heartbeat.” I was starting to feel guilty again.

“Vic, I was ashamed. I don’t know, okay? This isn’t the first time I’ve been homeless. I really thought I could manage.” I insisted. My mom had kicked me out when I was 17. Why shouldn’t she? She had a new husband, my siblings were all happy, and I had just been an outlier. I remember our last conversation perfectly. ‘You fuck things up, Kellin.’ She had said. ‘Too stuck on dad; get it through your head, kid, he’s gone.’ I had insisted that he’d come back, for me. I was his joy. ‘He’s not family anymore, Kellin. Is that what you call a family? He means nothing to us.’ She had sneered. Those words really had stuck with me. And I had said ‘No, but neither is this.’ And just like that, my family was gone. I hadn’t spoken to any of them since then.

“Kellin! Are you listening to me?” Vic snapped dryly, bringing me back to reality.

“Sorry, I was just thinking.” I muttered. Vic sighed.

“Kell, I’m going to take your things back to the house. It’s time for you to go to work.” He said, pulling out of the parking lot at last. We drove the familiar road to Whole Foods. He stopped in front of the employee entrance. “I’ll pick you up at 4.” He leaned over and kissed me, lingering on my lips a second longer than usual. I squeezed his hand one last time, whispering my thanks as I got out of the car to go to work.