When Writer's Block Turns Bad

The Doctor was outside, tinkering with several metal devices which confused Eponine. She had taken refuge inside the TARDIS and was busy wondering why this 'glue' substance was proving such a hindrance to their journey.

"You tell him to mend this machine and he mends it," she muttered to herself. "But put him face to face against some sticky stuff and he's useless. Nothing makes any sense around here! How does anyone get to the moon?" She sighed. "Do you think the Doctor has noticed I'm in here? No, he's probably still mending this box. He'll be talking away about something I don't understand and he won't even notice I'm not listening!" This thought amused her for a while.

Still talking to herself vaguely, she wandered around the control room. "Well, I'm not saying this isn't better than freezing half to death on the streets or being asked to traipse round Paris finding some stupid bourgeois..." At this, she began to mutter darkly; only the words 'Lark', 'ungrateful' and 'bloody letter' were determinable. "... or starving to death... hang on. Why am I not hungry? I haven't eaten in ages. Odd."

"Plot convenience," said a voice from above.

"Oh, right," said Eponine, not in the least perturbed at being addressed by thin air.

"By all means continue to rant, though," said the Authoress (for that's who the voice belonged to, and it's irritating to continue to address her as someone anonymous).

"OK." Eponine opened her mouth to halfheartedly complain about her present situation, but was stopped.

"Can you ask me what my name is?" said the Authoress. "It's just that I can't remember if you know it or not, so I can't address myself as 'Emma', because I'm writing from your point of view, which is limited only to your knowledge. It's annoying to keep calling myself the Authoress."

"I don't need to ask you what your name is - you've just told me," pointed out Eponine.

"True. I suppose this renders our conversation completely pointless. Come to think of it, most of this chapter has been utterly plotless. Maybe I'll make a piano drop from the ceiling just to keep my readers interested."

At that moment, a parcel dropped from the ceiling.

"Was that you?" asked Eponine, impressed.

"No, I don't know what that was..."

Eponine picked up the parcel gingerly. "It's addressed to me." She un-knotted the string tied round it and pulled back the paper to reveal its contents. It was a slim bright green book. "Les Miserables - abridged," she read.

"Abridged?!" Emma was outraged. "They try and sabotage you by resorting to mind games - and they don't even have the decency to use the full version?! That version completely erases most of the bits about Fantine! It cuts out some of Eponine's best scenes! It DESTROYS the scenes at the barricade! The publishers just said "ooh, who cares about all of the touching scenes featuring the revolutionaries... cut! Who cares about Pere Mabeuf and that lovely scene with him and Eponine? Cut! Oh, and we can't include Enjolras and Grantaire's deaths - one of the most moving points in the entire novel - the readers'll guess they died anyway... cut!" Curse you, Penguin Popular Classics!" After a few minutes more of ranting, she appeared to remember something. "No, Eponine, don't read that - it'll -" but she was cut off.

Eponine glanced upwards, but Emma made no sign of being there. She shrugged and opened the book to read.

**************************

Emma found herself being dragged out of her computer chair and into an uncomfortable room with black and white checkered walls. She glanced to either side and saw that her captors were two men wearing identical green masks. She had no idea why the masks would be green, any more than she could think of a reason for the checkered walls, so dismissed these as irrelevancies.

She also appeared to be referring to herself in the third person. Weird. Probably for continuity reasons - couldn't be helped.

The masked men dragged her to a chair in the corner of the room. With raised eyebrows, she sat. "Who are you?"

The first man grinned. "We," he said, proudly, "are the arbiters."

"We know the score," added the second.

"From square one we've been watching you..."

"... and according to Clause 64 of the Challenge, you've been bending the rules more than a little."

"Nine students from nineteenth century Paris brought to Halifax, resulting in damage to property," said the first man.

Uh-oh. They weren't going to penalize her just for nine lousy revolutionaries being introduced to the story, were they? Anyway, 'damage to property'? For God's sake, she'd TOLD them to behave themselves!

"A large group of Daleks brought into the Piece Hall," added the second.

Oh. Damn. She'd forgotten about the Daleks. This could be tricky.

"On various occasions you've twisted facts, under the shallow excuse of 'plot convenience'."

"Frankly, just the fact that you've brought two worlds of fiction together, which could result in the untimely demise of one of the characters is abominable."

"So, in short, you've been warping reality quite a bit."

"We're going to have to cancel this 'challenge of yours," concluded the second man. "Or, at the very least, take away your Omnipotent Powers of Plot Corruption."

Emma swore. Unfortunately, to keep the rating of her story down, she couldn't record this, so the full extent of her frustration cannot be conveyed to the reader.

"Wait," she said, trying to reason with them. "I've just left Eponine with a copy of Les Miserables - not that it was my fault! If anything, you should be suspending Lizzie's powers! But that's not the point. The point is that I could end up altering reality a lot more if she reads about her death, right?"

They looked as if they were considering this (although the masks made it difficult to tell).

"You can send the Doctor a message," decided one of them, eventually (Emma couldn't remember which one of them was the first man and which was the second).

"But it can't be blatantly obvious," added the first man (or possibly he was the second).

Emma sighed. "Fine. Can I have some paper?"

The second - or maybe it was the first - man obliged by giving her a scrap of notepaper and a pencil.

Emma thought for a moment. Then she wrote a few short sentences. "Make sure this is delivered as soon as possible," she said. "Eponine's current state of mind could depend on it."

Now to get out of this mess.

**************************

The Doctor looked up from the outside of the TARDIS, where he was scraping off the glue with a delicate tool. A note had landed next to him. It must be the Authoress again. He opened the note, and found it to be strange, to say the least:

Dear Doctor,
Eponine has the Brick,
You must do something quick for
There's no time to lose!

With raised eyebrows, the Doctor went into the TARDIS to find Eponine. She had raised eyebrows too, and a bright green book.

"You really don't want to read that, 'Ponine," said the Doctor. He took it carefully out of her hands, muttering: "Abridged? It's only two hundred pages long! That's not abridging - that's a travesty!"

Eponine laughed. "Emma said something like that. Anyway, it's pretty boring. I read the first chapter and it's all about a bishop and some convict man."

The Doctor sighed with relief.

"I did flick past that bit, and do you know what, Doctor? I found my name! Honest to goodness, my name in a book! You know why? It's because my mother was always reading these romance novels and she named me after one of the heroines. My sister, Azelma, too. She was lucky, though - she was almost named Gulnare..."

The Doctor, only half listening to Eponine's chatter, was busy being thankful for luck, Victor Hugo and plot convenience.

**********************

Emma sat back in her black and white chair. "So I guess you're going to take away my Omnipotence now?"

"That's right." (She'd given up on telling the two men apart).

"Hey, there's a thought..." murmured Emma.

"What?"

"I'm omnipotent now, right?"

"Right..."

"Well, in that case, I'm taking away your power to take away my Omnipotence! Because, you see I'm the author and I can do stuff like that. Oh, and if you ever try and arrest me again, a random obstruction will fall in your way, and you'll never be able to reach me!"

The two men looked at each other. It was hard to tell due to the masks, but Emma thought that they looked distinctly worried.

"And now I'm going back to my computer in a puff of purple smoke. Don't ask me why purple," Emma said.

"What?! Wait - you can't-"

"Unfortunately she can," said the other man, as Emma vanished in a whirl of violet mist.

*************************

The Doctor and Eponine were surrounded by a purpleness for a few seconds. Then, they turned and saw a girl standing behind them, looking immensely satisfied with herself.

"Talk about deus ex machina... in any other story, the readers would be screaming," she said, with satisfaction. "What an outstandingly rubbish end to an interesting plot twist... really, you have to congratulate me. I mean, I got rid of any complications in one fell swoop! No, no, don't thank me - it is, after all, my job..."

The Doctor looked sideways at Eponine, who looked confused, but used to it. "You're... Emma, aren't you?"

The girl (Emma) nodded.

"Funny, I imagined you less..."

"Less what, pray tell?"

"... short."

"I'm not short!"

"You're not tall."

Emma groaned in frustration. "You should be showering me with praise, you ingrates!"

To the Doctor's surprise, Eponine burst out laughing. "What?" he asked, perplexed. Was she laughing at him?!

"It's just... you're both so..." she gasped, still giggling.

"Well, anyway," said the Doctor, "I've fixed the TARDIS, so we should be able to get to - stop laughing! What are you laughing at?!"

"You know, Doctor, I'm going to be really sad when I'm sent back home," said Eponine, grinning.

The Doctor grinned back. "So far, this has been the most surreal journey I've been on," he said. "And we haven't even been anywhere yet!"

"Huh," said Emma. "That's it, belittle my Omnipotence, why don't you... still, I bet Lizzie's even more frustrated than me. Daleks in Halifax... really, it's a stroke of genius..."

The laughter immediately died from the Doctor's face. "WHAT did you say...?! Daleks?! You set Daleks loose? You don't know what you're dealing with there. How could you be so stupid?"

Emma decided that this would be a fantastic time to make a strategical retreat. Even though this was technically meant to be the Doctor's POV.

**********************************

Some bits of information, in case of confusion:

- Eponine actually was named after a heroine of a romance novel.

- Cosette's nickname is 'the Lark'. If you aren't familiar with Les Mis, look it up. Or, even better, read the book (NOT the abridged version!).

- The book 'Les Miserables' is commonly referred to as 'the Brick', due to its size.

- The bit with the arbiters talking about how they 'know the score' is a reference to the musical Chess. Look that up as well - it's incredible (and not surreal like this story).

- Just in case anyone cares, the Penguin abridged version of Les Mis actually is bright green.

- Yes, the note sent to the Doctor was a reference to the musical version of Les Mis. What can I say? I'm obsessed.