Protecting Her

Brian's POV

I was lying on my bed just staring up at the ceiling. All those things Lyndsey said to me were running through my brain. The thing she doesn't realize is I do care about her. I care so much that it actually hurts me. That's why I can't get involved with her. I'll just end up hurting her or breaking her heart.

You already did that.

A groan escaped my lips as I turned around to see what time it was. The clock read 2:32AM and I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn't sleep knowing she was so angry at me. Over the past few weeks, I've developed feelings for her. Now it's making me even more concentrated on my job. Before if I let something happen to her, I would just feel like I let Jack down, but now- Now, I'll be heartbroken.

I heard footsteps in the hallway and I sat straight up, reaching over for my gun. Just as I grabbed it, my door opened a bit. My senses were high alert and I was about to point the gun at the door, but Lyndsey came into view and I put the gun down, sighing.

She just stood by the door looking at the ground. I heard sniffles and I knew something was wrong. I leaned closer to the edge of the bed, "Lynds, what's wrong?" I watched her closely and she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, while sniffling again.

"I don't know why I'm in here." She thought out loud.

I leaned forward, feeling curious and confused, "Did you have a bad dream?"

It took a few moments for her to answer, but she nodded her head. I instinctively got up from the bed and took her hand in mine, "What was it about?" I rubbed the back of her hand with my thumb and placed my other hand on her shoulder for comfort.

Lyndsey took a deep breath, "Um, it was about you-" She swallowed the lump in her throat, "I found you dead.." Her voice trailed off sounding so broken. It was like she thought the dream was real or was going to happen. My heart got a little tug at this.

I let go of her hand to wrap my arms around her small frame. I leaned my head on her shoulders and held her, tightly. "It's okay, I'm right here. Nothing's going to happen to you." I tried to reassure her.

She had her head buried in my chest and I could feel her tears rolling down my chest, "I'm not the one I'm worried about. Do you know how I will feel if something happens to you during all of this?"

Knowing where she was getting at, I let go of her, so we were arms length apart. I still had my hands on her shoulders and I leaned my head down, so I could stare into her eyes, "Lyndsey, don't feel guilty. It's my job to protect you and if something happens to me, then something happens to me. It would not be your fault, though."

Lyndsey kind of tensed up, "How can you say that like it's nothing? You're risking your life by doing this for me and all you have to say is 'if I die, I die'? I mean don't you care about anything? I thought that by rejecting me it meant that you just weren't into me, but now it's like you're not even capable of caring about me or even yourself."

She was definitely giving me a reality check and it hit me, hard. I let my arms slowly drop from her and I backed up slowly. I sat on the bed and ran my hand through my hair. I took a deep breath and exhaled, loudly. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to explain myself, and I wasn't even sure if I had an explanation for her.

"I'm going back to bed-"

I raised my head, "No, wait. You're right, if I die, then it would suck. Every job I have ever had, I always fear that, but I push it in the back of mind. Having to shoot people and have them shooting back at me, knowing that one of us has to die is scary. If I actually let myself feel those emotions, then I wouldn't be here right now. If I had my gun pointed at someone and I started wonder if he had a family that would miss him, then he would take the moment to put a bullet through my head. That's why I can't let myself feel. I would end up getting killed or getting you killed."

Lyndsey took a step forward, "Brian, it's not good to keep everything bottled up like that."

"I know, but there isn't any other way to get through this. I need to make sure that you stay safe and I can't do that by letting my emotions getting in the way," I rubbed the back of my neck, "Just don't think that I rejected you, because I didn't care about you or I wasn't into you, I did it because I do care about you. Getting involved with you will make me get distracted and you could get seriously hurt because of me."

She scoffed and laughed, bitterly, "Oh, so that's what I would be, a distraction? God, Brian. I'm not some little kid, if you don't feel the same way, you can just say it."

If I told her how I really felt, it would change everything and I can't handle that right now. Not with people after us. I looked up into her blueish-greenish eyes and I saw a girl who was hurt, heartbroken, and lost. It was like she didn't know where to go in her life anymore.

Something in me told me that there was no way I could lie to her like this. She would just suffer more. My emotions were slipping through the cracks and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't hold them back. I stood to my feet and started to get almost nervous about this, "Lyndsey, once I say this, there's no going back. Things will change and I don't know if I can trust my emotions."

This started to confuse her, "What are you talking about, Brian? If you don't like it, just fucking say it. I'm sick of this shit, I've been through enough and you're just adding to it."

I sighed, taking another step towards her, "I know, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what happened to your Mom, I'm sorry I took your life away from you, I'm sorry for everything, Lyndsey. I really am, but the most important thing that I'm sorry for is hurting you like this. I do care about you, I do-"

"Just say it, Brian!" Lyndsey demanded and I took another step, so I was in front of her. I reached out to cup her cheek with my hand. She stiffened up and went to move, but I took her hand into my other hand. I noticed the tears swell up in her eyes, she was waiting for me tell her that I don't care about her.

After a few moments staring into her eyes, I finally spoke up, "I'm falling for you, Lyndsey."

Her eyes widened at this and she gasped. Before she could say anything about it, I crushed my lips against hers. I let myself actually feel and there wasn't any better feeling in the world compared to what I'm feeling right now.