My Brother's Funeral

Today I wore a black tuxedo. I dressed up all so I could see my little brother in a coffin, try my best to reelect the reminiscences and the memories and all I could think about is the fact that I never felt this much pain. I feel it in my stomach, and my body, and my heart. And I just can’t. I don’t want to have to feel that way. I don’t want to have grieved over his corpse all because of what he did to himself. I told him to stop. I. Dammit I pleaded. But he got involved in the money and the fame and the drugs and the sex. And he pushed every voice but his own away.
He’s all I ever had. Even when he was off snorting cocaine and meth I was there for him. But he was too thick mined to ever see that. And now it’s too late. Now, I see my mother’s hands on his coffin her body shaking with pain. Eyes wet with tears that have not left her face for 3 days. I haven’t cried about the absence of my brother. Not because I’m strong, or discourteous, but because I’m not ready to except the fact that he’s gone.
An hour past and it was time to say our final words. My father went on about how great of a person he was and how things shouldn’t have turned out like this. But then they called me up and even though every fiber of me wanted to pass on the opportunity of praising my younger brother for his ‘Great accomplishments’ I still did. I walked up to the wooden stand with my head bowed to the floor.
“Travis wasn’t always seen as the best person but he was, he was also my brother” I paused thinking whether not I should tell them that he was the most selfish person I’ve ever known. That he was too caught up in his narcissist ego, that he didn’t even know what was going on in the world and with his family nor did he care.
But I chose not to say that. Instead I lied to all of them I said that he was a loyal person because all I could see was the tears on his wife’s face and I didn’t want them to continue. I saw the tears on both my mother’s and my father’s faces as well and I thought the same thing, so instead I walked away. I found an empty clearing and stood there staring up at the cloud infested sky. I heard a voice about five feet away and I turned around to reveal my brother’s wife Sarah.
“Are you okay” She asked me with a small smile on her face but I knew there wasn’t anything but pain in her eyes and a throbbing in her heart.
I paused then took a deep breathe, I wasn’t sure how to reply to that “Are you?” I finally answered after a long dreadful silence.
“I will be eventually.” She replied but I could hear the doubt in her voice.
“It’s not your fault Sarah, If anyone’s to blame it’s him he should of never got involved with drugs in the first place and-“
“Luke” She said firmly her eyes looking into mine.. “The drugs isn’t what killed him, he had cancer. He found out about 2 months ago. He didn’t want anybody to know because he thought he had everything under control” She paused briefly her voice breaking with distress. “But he didn’t, and then it got worse… a lot worse. He could barely get out of bed. We went back to the doctor and he was notified that the cancer was spreading rapidly and he only had about 3 weeks to a month to live. That night he told me that he was in so much pain, that he was hurting inside and out. I didn’t know what to do this was killing me inside I never wanted to see him in so much pain and agony. Then he kissed me and said he loved me. The next day I found out that he overdosed on drugs” She paused one last time wiping tears from her eyes before she continued. “That he died at 4:21 am, he told me he didn’t want to feel pain any longer. That it was time for him to go. And he did, he did go.” Tears streamed from her eyes as she wiped them away vigorously. I felt my chest collapse and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t bare the thought of my brother in anguish.
I looked at Sarah who was still crying but gave up on trying to wipe away her tears. “Your lying” I said hoping this was some sort of joke but knowing it wasn’t from the look in Sarah’s eyes. I punched my hand against the tree that I was leaning on causing my knuckles to bleed intensely. I buried my face with my now mangled hand.
“Why are you telling me this?” I said looking up at her. Then as if on cue we both looked back down. She pulled a white smooth envelope out of her pocket and handed it to me. I looked at her perplexed and she smiled at me a painful smile.
“He wrote you a letter” She said answering the question that was going through my mind. “When he first discovered that he had cancer. He wrote you. But I never knew about it until the day he died, he left it by the sink.”
I looked down at it feeling the sleekness of the paper on my fingertips.
“Take care of yourself Luke” She said trying her best to smile at me. Then she walked back up the thin rocky path to the funeral.
I opened it carefully, then without hesitation I opened the letter as well, feeling the thin fibered sheet in my hands.

“Dear Luke,
If you’re reading this then I’m most likely not breathing any longer. But I need you to understand the fact that I was sick and in pain and that’s why I did what I had to do. I never appreciated anything that you did for me. How you’d stand up for me and help me through ever single challenge throughout my life. Only know that I’m lying in a hospital bed do I finally realize that all you ever done was help me. I poured my faith and happiness into other people when I should have had faith in you, and for that I will be forever sorry. You’re my brother Luke. You’re everything to me and I’m so sorry that I never told you that before. But I’m telling you now, thank you for giving me lunch money, beating up everyone who made fun of me in school, for sharing your toys with me, for being my friend as well as my brother, for believing in me even when I didn’t believe in myself, and thank you for sorting out every complication in my life. Tell Sarah that I’m sorry, that I will love her for eternity. But make sure that she is able to let me go and meet someone else. I love you Luke. I’m sorry
Travis.

I smiled at the finely printed words tracing my hand over it and for the first time, I felt my eyes water and a twisting feeling in my throat. “I forgive you Travis” I said glancing back up at the sky, and then I folded the note in my pocket.
Through the words on the thin paper I found peace with my brother. But it’s not just that, I also found peace with myself. So, I walked up the thin rocky path to the dark blackness of my brother’s funeral. And I mourned for him, in the way he would’ve mourned for me.