Fur Immer Heilig Sein

Tom’s POV

As I was in the kitchen putting out the pasta I was making Emily I couldn’t help but feel completely guilty for everything. I asked her to cheat on Bill with me, I was thoughtless and stupid to ask her and yet I kept on forcing it on her.

Being distracted by my thoughts I heard the bus door open and close. I guessed it was Yu going for his evening smoke. I set down Emily’s food on the table with a drink but I couldn’t see her anywhere.

‘Emily! Come down dinners done!’ I didn’t get a response. ‘Emily…?’ I crawled up the stairs and just received looks from all the boys and Karlee. Yu was still up here with them… Oh no…

They instantly knew what was going on. We heard a car engine start outside, Emi had her car towed behind one of the buses after meeting us at the gig. She gave all the girls a key to it. Without saying anything we all jumped at the windows and opened the blinds to reveal the dark night sky and the straight lines of heavy rain hitting the floor. She was driving off in the car. She headed out towards woods. Speeding and no lights on it was a dangerous manoeuvre. Especially with her frame of mind and all the millions of people who would happily have her dead right now.

‘Go wake everyone else on the other bus!’ I ordered making a sudden plan.

‘What about Bill…?’

‘Especially Bill. Wait!’ I looked at the my teddy she left in my seat. It had a note in it’s paws and the necklace Bill gave back to her. I took it up and opened it out. It was a letter, a long one. She must have written it out earlier.

‘Dear Tom,
I have done things with you and Bill and I can't say that I don't regret them. I know what I’ve done is wrong and I can't bear what I've done. Who the hell will I choose? I do not want the lust that haunts us, I like both you and Bill. But it hurts me to have hurt Bill, and I feel the guilt every time I see your face. I I don‘t know if I should stay, so I will leave you here, some unspeakable things I've allowed, now.

Safe inside my shell, I know I've got to run, I’m going to end it tonight because I know this is one fight I’ve lost. I can't stay any longer, all this I've done would make a heartbreaker cry. The way I switched between you, would put an ever-changing rose to shame. What I've done is enough to kill the love I had for this life I had with you guys, now safe inside my soul, is an ocean of pain I need to spill, now I need to know why I had to lie to myself. I can’t stay here hurting one of you and watch the other feel guilty for it.

I need no heart, I need a voice to send me on my away to avoid splitting up the band for all I've done. I just feel like there is a pool of regret building up inside of me and I can’t swim to the edge.

What the hell, have I ever done to make my mind think that this would have been ok? I vowed to you, yet I screwed everything up, I can't just switch, you need to get over me, the both of you, get the hell over me. I'm swimming in an ocean of my own tears, and I regret the day anything happened between the either one of you and I. Say goodnight for me, I'm breathing my last breath tonight.

Love you,
Emily
Xxx’

‘Guys go to Bill and give this to him. Don’t let anyone else read it, yet.’ Strify nodded and ran as fast as he possibly could. Karlee followed him fretting.

‘Tom, what did it say?’ Kiro actually sounded concerned. They all seemed to be.

‘It’s a suicide note.’ I bowed my head and let the tears escape from my eyes. Yu put his hand on my shoulder and walked me outside.

‘We’ll find her; before it’s too late. We just need to get Bill and go.’

I ran onto the bus and took Bill by his upper arm dragging him outside. He was soaking wet through, he must have been outside. The girls had no idea what was going on so they came and crowded round.

‘Bill I don’t care what’s just happened between us and Emily. All I care right now is finding her. You read the note?’ He just nodded and looked at the floor, half nodding. ‘Then just forget about what happen until we’ve found her then you can hate us as much as you want. Just don’t let her go through with this.’ I noticed he was actually crying. He still cared for Emily, I knew that. But I do know he also feels hatred towards us for everything.

‘Tom, what are you talking about…?’ Kate siad quietly stepping forward.

‘It’s Emily, this;’ He held up the paper, ‘Is a suicide note, form her. She taken off in Emi’s car and it’s pouring with rain and she didn’t have the lights on. And she’s going to a bridge.’

Everyone gasped and ran for cars that the crew had with them and started them up. Bill came with me in the front while Georg and Gustav sat in the back. Reporters hiding in the bushes must be wondering what going on. All these cars driving away into the stormy night.

‘Hold on. How do you know she was going to a bridge?’ I asked. He couldn’t have known that.

‘I guessed is all.’

‘No you didn’t Bill. Please don’t lie to me. Not now at least.’

‘She told me. I was outside in the rain, well no one would be able to tell I’d been crying if I was soaked would they? Anyway… She ran out of the door and bumped into me. I… I didn’t know what to say, I knew what she was doing…

‘Bill, please; I have to do this.’ Emily said.

‘I understand. I’m sorry.’

‘No, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. It’s my fault, I hurt you. I’m sorry.’

‘You did hurt me, more than you think you have. He was my twin…’

‘He still is Bill. Don’t forget that. And he loves so; much. You can stay angry at me I can understand that, but please; please. Don’t block Tom out of your life.’ The rain was hitting the ground making pitta-patta noises. Her hair hung about her face and he eyes were squinting together to shield herself from the droplets.

‘What are you doing?’ I ask.

‘I’m going to the bridge down the road.’ Emily pulled out a red handled knife.

‘Bye Bill…’ She ran off to Emi’s car and drove off into the night.

… I didn’t have the right to stop her Tom.’

‘But you could have held her! Stalled her until we found the note!’

‘That’s not my place anymore!’

‘I’m not going to argue with you. Just tell me where to go.’

We sat in silence for the duration except when Bill was telling me which direction to go in to get to this bridge. Kate had said Emily could be like this sometimes. But I didn’t think that she would actually, seriously consider taking her life. As we neared a field the gate was locked so we all had to vault over the top of it sprinting through thick mud to the river. The girls were all in tears I was hysterical. I repeatedly looked back in the hope that she would just jump out of a bush. I knew she wouldn’t but you have o hope. We all came to a great halt at once reaching the bridge. All 14 of us in one long line panting and puffing. She was there. I could see her. She was…