Fur Immer Heilig Sein

Emily’s POV

I sat in the hospital waiting for some company. It’s 10 and I don’t expect anyone but Gustav to be up yet. However, that’s what I was thinking. Until Bill came in and sat on my bed.

‘How you feeling this morning?’ He asked.

‘Better. More awake now I guess. Is anyone else around?’

‘You mean anyone we know?’ I nodded. ‘No.’

‘Good.’

‘We should tell them you know. About ‘our little secret’ Tom deserves to know.’

‘I know he does. But I don’t want him to. I told him that cover up story for a reason. So he doesn’t fuss over me. To everyone expect you and I, I can’t remember a thing ok?’ I asked bowing my head expecting him to agree.

‘Emily. You can’t pretend you don’t remember Attempting to commit suicide. It’s not fair. To anyone.

‘Please Bill. Just this one thing. I owe you my life. Literally. I know there’s nothing I can do to make any of this up to you but I’d like to try. I just need you to do this one thing for me. Thank you for saving my life. I’ll love you for ever for that. I promise but, that fact I can remember is up to me to decide if it goes public. By public I mean any one else other than you and I knowing.’

‘So, what? You’re going to sit here reliving the other night with a cut you know you did on purpose with out Tom knowing and without therapy? Emily you can’t do this.’ He held my hands and looked straight into my eyes. I could see his point of view. But I need him to understand this.

‘Tom. Think about Tom. If he knows I remember trying to kill myself he will be distraught. He’d never want to leave my side even while I went to the shops. He’d give up everything just to make sure I take full advantage of everything. Don’t you realise that? I know I sound big headed and hell, any woman would want that form a guy. But he needs time for him as well. If we tell the others someone might let it slip. Then it will get published. Then you lot will all get bad publicity. The authorities will take the baby away because they don’t want it to have a suicidal mother. If people know I remember everything will be worse. You must see that?’

‘I, I guess. But you’ve got to bare it alone I mean. you can’t go to any for help if you need it.’

‘I can manage. I always used to. Why shouldn’t I be able to now?’

‘Because you’ve just tried to kill yourself.’

‘No Don’t be stupid! Of course Gustav’s not in love with Rhi! Pfft, that would just be silly. They argue too much.’ Tom opened the door so I had to make it seem like we were having a normal convocation.

‘Hey Bill, do you mind if I talk with Emily for a bit? Haven’t seen her that much. You’ve had her all to yourself.’ Tom just smiled kindly at Bill.

‘Yeah sure. Listen, I’ll see you all in a bit. I’m going back to the bus. I’ll tell the others to wait a while before they come down as well.’ He hugged me and left the hospital.

‘So, how’s my baby doing?’ I kissed my forehead and sat down.

‘Fine. The doctor said it’s still living! Which is awesome.’

‘I mean you. But good. How do like the sound of going to dinner with my mom next week?’ He appeared cautious to ask.

‘I’m guessing this is so you can tell them they’re going to be grandparents?’ I rose an eyebrow.

‘Well actually. Ok, here’s the plan. We go to dinner next week. Nice calm polite just meeting them. We mention nothing, nothing about the pregnancy ok? Then we’re staying at my Mum’s for Christmas. We can tell her then. What do you think?’ He was biting his lip so hard it was beginning to bleed.

‘Tom, stop biting your lip. Yes that’s fine. But, I need to go see my parents soon. It’s been two months. I don’t know when I’m planning on telling them I’m having a baby. Maybe I’ll wait. Yeah that’s what I’ll do! I’ll wait. I’ll wait until it’s born and then ring them up and say hey ma! I’ve just had a kid! What do you think?’

‘Emily, are you being serious?’
‘Deadly. I can’t tell them! They’ll disown me. For ever. I’m 17 for Christ’s sake!’

‘18 in 3 weeks.’

‘Oh yeah, I forgot it was my birthday. Oh wow! Hold on… oh wow! It’s my birthday! By the way I need to have a scan sometimes over Christmas. Do you want to come with? See the little bundle of… cells?’ I giggled to myself. I was going to say bundle of joy, but it is just a bundle of cells at the moment.

‘Can I?! Oh wow! Thank you! Is there any way we can be definite that it’s mine?’

‘Well, no but I was thinking about it last night. There’s no way it couldn’t be. I was talking to the doctor when I had my check up this morning. He said it is more than likely I am only a month gone. A month ago I wasn’t sleeping with Bill. And it was a month ago I started sleeping with you and you remember that night in the green room?’

‘I couldn’t forget could I? I’d just got knocked out then you decided to ‘take a chance’.’

‘Well, obviously you weren’t expecting to have sex. You didn’t have condoms remember? So it has to be yours.’ I tightened my grip on his hand.

‘So, it is me that’s going to be a daddy. Haha, it can call me daddy cool!’

‘Tom. Don’t get too carried away. We have 8 months. Even then it could be premature. But, don’t you dare put the tour on hold. I know that’s why you were thinking and no. You’re life is still just as important.’

‘But, fine. You’re coming with me though. With the baby obviously.’