Nobody, Not Even the Rain Has Such Small Hands

Tony's POV
"Holy shit, Tone," Mike says as he passes me his joint. "You're almost a better smoking-buddy than Maddy was."
I laugh and the sound is heavy in the smoke induced room and I'm sure it's because of the high pumping through my veins. Mike grabs my shoulder and squeezes in some attempt to be supportive. "It'll be better in a couple weeks," he tells me, leaning back and resting his head against the back of the couch. He's been saying this for three weeks straight.
Someone calls my name from the front of the bus. My bare back sticks to the leather a little when I go to sit up, saying nothing and heading for the door.
"Where are you going?"
"Christine's calling me."
"Wow, you spring back fast."
I turn to him, one hand resting on the door handle. "Fuck you," I say, not truly meaning it, before slipping out.
"Tony?" Christine calls again.
"Yeah?" When I reach her, she turns around and pushes her vibrant red hair over one shoulder.
"I made you a drink."
I've never mixed alcohol and weed before, but the sensation after the first sip is heightened thanks to the warmth that's taken up residence throughout my entire body. Christine leads me to the table and I willingly follow, even when she squeezes into the same side as me.
"How're you holding up?"
"I'm fine," I lie. "Thanks for the drink." The liquid fizzes against my upper lip making me think there's at least some Whiskey in there.
"No problem." She adjusts the straps of her tank top and then looks up at me with hinting eyes. "You know, I'm right here if you want to talk about it?"
I shake my head and I feel as if it's almost in slow motion. "Not right now." I feel too good to ruin this with thoughts of Maddy and whether or not she'll ever talk to me again. Honestly, I'm already starting to forget the way her voice sounded or what she looked like in the morning after actually sleeping through the night. It's been so long since I saw her like that, but that's how I prefer to remember her. All my fresh memories are thick with bruise like shades on the tender skin beneath her eyes contrasting with her green irises. I can't even remember, no matter how hard I try, what I said to her that morning. It's like my memory wiped it out for me so I would have no choice but to forget.
"Mike's said we can finish off the tour with you guys if that's alright."
I nod my head because if Mike's already told them, then there's not much I could do even if I wasn't alright with it. Vic's never around anymore so it's not like the bus would be crowded - lost two, gained two in a way.
"Vic seemed like he was in a better mood this morning."
I'm not in the mood for small talk, and when I don't reply Christine sighs and gets up from the table, giving me more room since the benches were really only made to fit one person of my size comfortably. I watch as she walks to the oven, hands on her hips, and then turns back to me.
"Think about this for a minute, Tony," she demands.
She's already has my head aching. I want to go crawl into my bed and just lay there for a while, staring up at the dark bottom of the top bunk. I've been avoiding that spot though because it smells too much like her and I'm not sure that I'm ready to being that close to her ghost, no matter how tempting it is. Things would be much easier if I was less nostalgic and I just changed the sheets to wash away her trace.
"She's gone." Christine comes closer and rests either of her hands at the end of the table, leaning towards me. "She's gone and I'm here and I'll make you feel better."
"Stop," I tell her, shaking my head and closing my eyes. "I don't want to do this right now."
She just looks at me for a moment before grabbing her purse off the counter and walking out.
Instead of going to lay down, I take my drink and make one last lap around the bus before giving up on the idea that maybe Maddy left something behind for me to hold on to. I've already spent some time looking, but I'd always end up frustrated and throwing shit around. Mike would come in and tell me to calm down, usually offer to share a blunt with me or ask if I wanted to use his phone to try calling her again. I open the cabinets beneath the bathroom sink and feel a tug at my chest when the spot where she used to keep all her things is still empty.
"I'm going for a walk," I mumble to myself, because I doubt Jaime or Mike care where I go just as long as I'm back in time to play.
I grab my sunglasses off the counter and slowly make my way down the bus steps and outside. The summer air smells like freshly mowed grass, which only intensifies the closer I get to the opening in the chain link fence. I can hear some band playing not too far away but don't pay much attention to it. It's just background noise. I wonder where Christine went since this isn't really her thing. Hannah's busy working at the merch table, so it's possible that she went to keep her company and get out of the bus for a while. I wouldn't blame her, even I hate spending time there now. It feels cramped and makes me feel claustrophobic each time I walk up those dirty steps. Without thinking I find myself making my way towards the familiar faded Mexican flag peaking up towards the sun. Sure enough, although I half expected it to be Maddy, Hannah's busily digging in one of the boxes for a specific size. Christine sits behind her, almost hidden from view, her arms crossed and a smug look on her thin lips.
"Hey," I say to both of them as I slip in between the table and the pole holding up the canvas.
Hannah turns as she counts out the money someone just handed her. "Who let the skunk in?" she jokes with a smile. "It's good to see you out and about, Tony."
"Tony!" I hear someone yell from the line on the other side. I smile in their general direction.
There's a chair beside Christine, probably for Hannah, which I sit in. She doesn't look up or acknowledge me after I've sat down. I don't realize I carried my drink here until I go to take a second sip of it.
"Hey," I repeat, but directly to her this time. "What are you doing here?"
She turns to me, expression still hard. "Getting away from you."
"Can you please tell me what exactly I did to make you suddenly hate me?"
"Tony, can you please sign my CD?"
I look up, taking my attention off of Christine, to a young girl wearing a baggy tank with wide arm holes. "I don't have a sharpie," I tell her honestly. Even if I did, I'm not in the mood to sign shit or talk to fans right now.
The girl frowns and I watch as her entire face drops in disappointment. Hannah reaches back and hands me a thick, black marker. "It's your lucky day."
I motion for the girl to come around the table so I can sign the front of the booklet featuring the idea that Vic came up with - the girl jumping off of her home crumbling beneath her feet. Is she flying or falling? That's what he wanted people to consider when they saw it. Looking at it now as I sign the bottom corner with a sharpie that's almost out of ink, I only see a figurine stuck in one spot.
"Thank you!"
"No problem." I toss the marker onto the plastic table from where I sit and then turn back to Christine. "Are you done moping yet?"
She shoots me a dirty look that only has half of the effect she meant it to thanks to her large sunglasses. "I was never moping. Tony, we need to talk. You're starting to worry me."
I roll my eyes and immediately wish I had taken more hits off of Mike's blunt because this is the weakest high I've ever experienced. Christine takes my hand and I follow her into the nearby VIP section. It's mid-morning and the barbecue really hasn't started yet. There's only a few people sitting around beneath the shade the thickly settled trees provide. She leads me out of earshot from the other people and we sit down at one of the picnic tables.
She takes her sunglasses off and perches them at the top of her hair. "Snap out of it." She finally lets go of my hand. "I don't want you falling into the same hole as Vic."
I can't help but to laugh. "Christine, I don't think you really know Vic that well. He get's into these ruts that he can't seem to get out of for a while, but he always springs back. Sometimes it just takes a while."
This is only half true. Vic does get into ruts that could last for months at a time, but never has he acted like he's been acting throughout this entire tour. I leave those details out because part of me doesn't even realize I'm nearly lieing to her until after the words are already spoken.
"What about sleeping around?"
"You don't want me sleeping around?" I ask, because the request would sound ridiculous to anyone that knows me. "Christine, I don't-"
"Well, not with just anyone.... Tony," she says, "just give it a chance. It's been almost a month. Let it go. She's not coming back."
Christine's been dropping hints since the day she showed up with Hannah. I find myself either trying to avoid her, or in moments like this where I seem to set myself up for it. Her eyes seem bluer and her hair redder and I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but she moves towards me and my legs can't move fast enough to get out of the way before her lips plant a kiss on mine.

It's been so long since I've been to one of these parties, but Mike thought it'd be a good idea to go instead of spending the night alone again on the bus. I keep Jaime company by the bar as he watches Vic dance with yet another girl, a hardened expression on his face when they disappear off towards the buses.
"You know, there's really nothing you can do about it."
"No, but I guess standing here and keeping an eye on him makes me feel like I'm doing something about it."
I nod and Linda hands me another drink. "It's on the house, honey," she says when I reach for my money in my back pocket. I put a couple one's in her tip jar.
I see Christine coming towards me and shift my weight from foot to foot awkwardly as I look for a way to escape before she reaches us.
"Hey, Tony. Jaime."
Jaime gives her a small wave before turning his attention back to his drink. He pretends like he doesn't have one eye on us, but I can tell that he does. Maddy leaving has effected him too, he just handles it by pretending he was never upset that her and I were together.
Christine leans in so only I can hear her, sending a shiver up my spine when she speaks so closely to my ear. "I'm sorry about earlier." The way she speaks makes it hard to believe that she's truly sorry she kissed me, but I give her the benefit of the doubt.
"It's fine." I shift a little bit so we're not standing so close to each other, causing my forearm to rest against Jaime's.
"Why are you so nervous around me?" she pouts. "Did I do something wrong?"
You fucking kissed me, I think. "No."
She places a hand on my arm that I don't have the heart to shake away. She sways to the music as the three of us stand there and take everything in. I know Mike could be somewhere in the dancing crowd, either that or Vic's in for an unpleasant surprise when he gets back to the bus.
"Do you want to dance?"
Do you want to dance?" she asked me. The smile on her face was wide, showing her teeth and the small gap between her two front ones. "Please! It'll be fun."
"I can't dance at all."
She took my hand and led me to the dance floor, through the crowd of people all of which I would never want to see me dance. When she placed her arms around my neck, I couldn't help but to move to the music with her.
"I don't dance," I tell her, which isn't technically a lie.
"Do you want to go for a walk then?"
"I don't understand what it's going to take for you to understand!" I yell as I step away from both of them. Frustrated, I push my way passed the other lingering people and make my way back to the buses. Although, I'm sure that if it's not occupied by Vic and whoever he's with, there's an equally good chance that Mike and Hannah are using it.
"Vic?"
I run to his form laying on the pavement, his jean vest spotted with blood. When I reach him, I kneel beside him and push his brown hair away from his face.
"What happened?"
"She jumped me," he tells me in a weak voice. "She took my wallet."
To my surprise, Vic doesn't sound drunk. I can smell alcohol on his breath, but he's obviously not completely trashed. "Well fuck," I say more to myself than to him. "Does anything hurt? Do you think you broke anything?"
He shakes his head and slowly begins to sit up but winces. I help him off the ground and hold him upright when I realize how woozy he really is. He reaches up to touch the back of his head.
"Ah, fuck," he says, immediately removing his hand from the spot. "That hurts like a bitch."
I adjust myself so I'm sitting Indian style beside him. We're the only two on this side of the lot, surrounded by buses towering over us as we sit.
"I'm sorry, Tone." I look up at him and I swear there's tears in his eyes. He shakes his head just slightly like he's ashamed of himself and I know this isn't about his injury.
"I should just just accepted you and Maddy. I wanted to be a family again so bad that I pushed her away by being a dick about it."
I sigh and pick up Vic's phone, located face down on the ground just a foot or so away from where I'm sitting. I wipe the screen off of my pants and hand it back to him. "Well, she's gone now so there's no point in being sorry."
"Maybe she wouldn't have left if I hadn't treated her like shit."
"I don't think that's true at all." As far as I know, Maddy never once had a nightmare about Vic or had a panic attack over something he said or did. I remember the cuts on her wrist the morning after he came back to the bus late and drunk, and I remember what he said to her. There's a good chance that he set her off that night, but I can't hold it against him. It's over with, she's gone and I'm going to have to move on either way.
"It's alright," I tell him. He gives me a small sympathetic smile and then pulls me into a hug.