Nobody, Not Even the Rain Has Such Small Hands

"Maaaaddddyyy!"
I turn my head towards Mike, who's hammered, and give him a smile. I know he means well, but I've been the butt of his jokes for the past half an hour and it's getting old among the rest of us. I found out Hannah's just as big of a drinker as her boyfriend.
Vic's been laughing at all of his brother's jokes, sneaking side-ways glances at me to make sure I won't dive across the table and strangle Mike. He's only on his second beer. Tony hasn't had anything to drink, which is surprising since it's Jaime's turn to be the designated driver.
I take a sip of my soda. I couldn't find an excuse to drink and therefore settled for keeping Jaime and Tony company in their sobriety. Tony hasn't said much since Jaime and I got back from our small walk. I turn towards him and ignore Mike, who was putting several straws into his drink and throwing the papers at me.
"You're quiet," I say, working the wrapper out of my hand. Jaime reaches over and pulls it out for me.
"Thanks," I tell him before Tony responds.
"Parties aren't really my thing," he tells me with a small shrug. I remember him saying that on our way home from my birthday party; only this time, going out had been Tony's idea.
I'm not sure what to say, so I take another sip of my bubbly soda. My ringtone cuts over the noise of the table and people fall silent as their eyes go to my phone sitting on the table in front of me. I put it on loud so I'd be able to hear it over the noise and now I'm realizing that it was unnecessary.
My eyes catch Vic's after I hit the reject button, something that I'm getting good at. He looks worried so I give him a smile of reassurance. He doesn't need to be concerned about me.
Seconds later, a text pops up on the screen and my phone launches back into obnoxiously ringing. I hit the button to open the message without checking who it's from just to get my phone to shut up. My eyes catch the words and it's too late.
We need to talk. It's about your sister.
My heart drops and I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I get up from the table and trip over Tony's chair.
"Sorry," I tell him, laying an apologetic hand on his shoulder as I make my way quickly to the back of the restaurant. No bathroom is in sight, but I catch a waitress just before I'm about to hurl.
"Where's the bathroom?"
She points a finger and nearly pushes me over as she walks past.
I run in the direction she pointed in and slam into the door with my shoulder, getting a strange look from the preteen girl standing in front of the mirror primping herself.
The popcorn Vic and I had at the zoo reappears in the toilet and my throat begins to burn. It's an unpleasant and violent distraction for the news delivered from my mother. This goes on for what seems like a long time and I know the girl at the mirror has run out long ago.
How could she do this to me? Was it just some sick story she made up so I would finally contact her?
My mind flashes back to an ambulance taking my little sister out of our house with vibrant red dripping from both of her wrists. I get sick again.
When I'm finished, I go to the sink and take my time washing my hands. I move onto my mouth, rinsing it the best I can in a public sink. Finally I pull my phone out of my back pocket with shaky hands. All I have to do is hit redial for my phone to begin connecting. Halfway through the second ring, my mother's voice cuts through the dial tone.
"Maddy?"
That's typical of her. Who else would it be?
"Yeah. What's wrong with Aly?"
"Well she misses her sister. You just took off on her."
"I'm eighteen now, mom. I'm living my own life."
"You're so friggen selfish, Maddy," she tells me, her voice rising. "She's crying right now because she misses you."
That was too much. I could feel my stomach sinking and I was happy that I already emptied its contents into the toilet.
"Let me talk to her, then."
"She doesn't want to talk to you. She wants you to come home."
"I just got out here, I'm at least staying for a while."
"Maddy?" I hear Hannah call from the other side of the bathroom door. "Are you alright?"
I check my phone and see I've been in the bathroom for almost half an hour.
"I'm fine! I'll be right out," I tell her, pressing the phone against my shoulder.
"Who's that?" I hear my mom ask.
Hannah's heels click-clacking away and I go back to my impatient mother on the other end.
"Just Mike's girlfriend. We're at dinner and I have to go."
"Call me later and we can talk about this."
I hear her hang up, but it's not like that was a conversation I want to have anyway; mostly because it's so difficult to know if she's being honest or not. My mind wanders back to thoughts and memories of my sister just a few years back and my stomach churns again. I have to distract myself in order to get this feeling of guilt and pressing darkness to go away.
My life seems like it needs a continuous distraction.
I wipe my hands on the thighs of my pants on my way out of the bathroom door, feeling significantly disgusting. Everyone looks up from the table when I reach my seat again, even Mike and Hannah.
It appears like Hannah's sobered up a bit and Mike's still drinking heavily. I sit down without looking at anyone and turn my phone off, not wanting to be bothered.
"Are you alright?" Hannah asks from her end of the table.
I tell her I'm fine but it doesn't sound convincing.
"Do you want to go home?"
I look over at Jaime, who's looking down at me with his eyebrows raised. I barely produce a nod and he's standing with keys in hand.
"Call me when you get back," Vic calls behind us. I tell him that I will.
Tony follows us out to his truck leaving the other's behind. The walk to the car takes a lot longer than I remember; I'm walking in between him and Jaime and I know that I smell like puke so I'm trying to keep my distance. Tony's taking side-ways glances at me and it probably wondering why I slipped off to the bathroom for half an hour.
Vic would probably ask me later if it was my mom who had called. I make a mental note to avoid that conversation at all costs. I'm just going to have to stick this one out on my own.
We finally reach the van and Tony opens the passenger side door for me and then closes it when I'm seated. He climbs into the center seat behind us and Jaime's starting the vehicle and preparing to pull out.
"Are you sure you want to go back to the house and sit there by yourself?" Jaime asks as he pulls off the curb. I inwardly groan as we enter the line of traffic leaving this section of the city.
"You can come back to my place," Tony offers, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs. "I can bring you back later if you want to go home."
I consider this option for a while when Jaime's van pulls up just in time to get caught in a red light. My stomach's growling from being hungry, as I never got a chance to even order, but I'm scared to even consider eating. Going straight home would be the best choice, just so I can lay in bed and drug myself up so I can feel better before going to sleep.
But do I really want to be all alone while Aly being sick again is in the back of my mind?
I know I don't want to have one of those nights.
I turn in my seat and tell Tony I'll go. The smile that forms across his face is priceless and Jaime pretends not to notice as the light finally turns green and his eyes dart from the rear view mirror back to the pavement. We stop back at the house first to get some clothes and whatever else I feel like I might need. I take a couple pain killers and grab a couple of movies I brought from Massachusetts, throwing them on top of all my clothes before zipping my backpack closed and joining the boys back in Jaime's van.
I doze off on the way back to his duplex, leaving half of me embarrassed and the other half not caring.
"Maddy?" Jaime softly calls me when the car comes to a stop on Tony's side of the house. I sit up in my seat and push back my hair, coming out of it's neat form from resting against the chair. I let myself out, thank Jaime, and follow Tony to the door. Jaime waits until Tony's got the door open and is letting me inside to begin pulling straight out of the short drive way.
His place is just how I remember it from last night, and when I realize this a feeling I can't place comes over me - a good feeling. It's strange to think this is the second night in a row that I've been here. Tony kicks his shoes off and I do the same.
"You can go to bed if you want. I won't make you sleep on the floor this time," he laughs to himself and then walks to the cabinet over the sink and produces two glasses. Turning back to me he asks, "do you want some water?"
What I really want to do is brush my teeth and get this disgusting feeling to wash away. I tell him I'll be right back and produce my tooth brush out of my bag as he fills the glasses with water from a spout on the refrigerator.
It feels so good to brush my teeth that I do it twice and then examine my work in the mirror. When I'm satisfied, I walk back out to the kitchen and dump my tooth brush back in my bag. Tony's made himself comfortable on the couch and the TV's on, I go over and join him.
He reaches out and takes the other glass off of the coffee table and hands it to me. I thank him.
"You and Jaime are close, huh?"
I take another sip of the crisp water before putting it back on the stack of papers it came from.
"We always hung around a little whenever I'd come out to see you guys play," I say with a shrug.
"I was always really shy when you were around," he says with a laugh, reminiscing. "It was always really weird having a girl on the bus that wasn't Hannah."
I remember that Tony had a girlfriend for a while. I can see her face in my mind but I don't remember her name. I don't want to ask in case things aren't well with them. If he didn't consider her worth mentioning, than what was the point? As far as I know, they aren't together anymore.
"You're not shy now," I can't help but notice. After it's out, I wonder if maybe it was the wrong thing to say. "I mean-"
"No, no you're right I guess," he says, cutting me off. I don't mind, the conversation flows easily between the two of us. "I mean, you still make me a little nervous."
I can feel myself blushing and this isn't the first time Tony's had this effect on me. I lean back against the couch and fully face the TV, pushing my hair up and out of the way so it rests against the top of the couch and off of my neck. He turns his head towards me and our eyes meet.
"Why do I make you nervous?" I whisper. The TV seems so loud compared to my voice that I'm surprised he even hears me.
He doesn't respond for several seconds, a couple minutes even. We sit there with the sides of our cheeks resting against the couch looking at each other. His hazel eyes have hints of green and yellow in them that you wouldn't notice unless you were paying close attention. I notice for the first time how soft his skin looks.
Then we're kissing, and I'm not sure how it's happening or why but it feels good. First it's a quick peck and we both pull away to look at each other, our faces centimeters away. He leans in to kiss me again and I stiffen up, finally comprehending what's happening. This happened so fast. Is this why he wanted me to come back to his place? Did it even have anything to do with concern for me at all?
I pull away because of the doubts that are filling me and he looks confused, but then the expression softens.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," he says, and then looks away.
I don't reply, consumed in my own conflicting thoughts.
He turns back to me and this time it's me who kisses him. It's numbing and it feels good, sending my worries out of my head. I feel like this is what I need, not a night spent alone in my bedroom but more time spent around people who make me feel like Tony is making me feel right now. I sit back and our lips move easily on each other, like they themselves know what to do. Tony's leaning over me, allowing me to rest my head against the couch with my eyes closed as if I were asleep. Kissing him is like a sedative, it's lazy and simple. Then he pulls away to take a deep breath and it's honestly so beautiful the way his eyelids are downcast and he looks so peaceful. He leans down and our lips brush.
"Maddy?"
"Yeah?" I whisper back.
"What really brought you all the way out here?"
I sit back and look at him for the second time. Without even thinking, I'm formulating sentences about my mother and describing what it was like growing up with her. I tell him about the days and nights I spent wondering if she would come home because she had left hours ago with some guy I had never seen before. I told him about how after she slept with them, the guys disappeared and new ones came into our lives. I described to him to the best of my ability the evenings I spent smelling strongly of alcohol and watching my back because I didn't know if she was in a fighting mood - the days I spent home from school because I was physically and mentally drained from raising myself and my sister. Talking about it makes me feel sick again but I go on and on until I feel like I can't speak anymore. I hadn't even realized that I had begun to cry.
Tony's staring at me the entire time but I can't bring myself to look any where but down.
I take a deep breath and then tell him about the day in the airport, when I was naive enough to believe my father was just going on a trip. "Not in a million years would I think he would leave and not come back."
When the words are all out and I have nothing left to say, I wish I could take it all back. It's only the second time I've spent any significant amount of time with him. I feel vulnerable and look away from him, feeling like a little kid looking for reassurance.
Suddenly he gently places a hand on my knee, causing me to look towards him with surprised eyes.
He leans in and instead of kissing me, wraps both of his arms around me tightly. "I'm glad you're here," he tells me.