The Art of Memories

Gerard drew out of the car park, tearing his eyes away from Brandon for god knows how long. Felix whined at his side, shuffling about in the passenger seat.
“Good boy,” he murmured, scratching behind his ears. Gerard felt the even the lengthy car journey was not going to be enough time to get himself together for Frank. It hadn’t been that long since he’d seen Brandon, four months didn’t seem too significant, but he couldn’t shake off how Brandon had been the whole time. Something had changed. Gerard no longer saw that boisterous look in his eye whenever he spoke of his latest craze. To be honest, Brandon was hardly recognisable to him. No longer was he still wearing the casual scruffy-jeans-and-t-shirt combo Gerard was yet to grow out of, instead he presented himself in a long sleeved shirt, suit jacket and jeans not even suggesting a slight loose thread. People were always going to change, but Gerard felt like he was talking to an acquaintance at most. And he couldn’t help feel this was Frank’s fault.

***********
New York was never quiet, whether you crept up on it at the crack of dawn or chose some other unsociable hour of the day. There would always be the constant hum of car engines, the shouts of people on the street and the endless harmony of car horns. Frank liked to think of the beeping as NY’s unique equivalent of birds tweeting. As he lay on the sofa, eyes shut; this thought came back to him. He focused on his breathing, like the nagging woman on the Meditation Channel always told him to do, and tried to clear his mind of all the bitter thoughts, slowly eating at his conscience. This proved quite calming, calming enough to send Frank into a dose.

The serene scene of a small, dark haired man asleep on his back, soothing himself to the sweet sounds of the city life, didn’t last long. Gerard came crashing through the door, yelling over his shoulder at a wandering Felix.
“Hey Frankie,” Gerard shouted, not changing volume between dog commands and boyfriend greetings. He heard Frank hum in response from the lounge. Satisfied with that, Gerard went into the kitchen and set about making coffee.
“You’ve perked up,” Frank said, joining Gerard, taking him by surprise. Frank grabbed his boyfriend’s butt, stealing soft kissed down the nape of his neck. Gerard shook him off playfully, turning round to face the younger man. He studied Frank for moment, taking in the way the flecks in his hazel eyes danced under bright light. He felt a grin tug at his lips. Seeing Brandon had really made him appreciate how good Frank was to him. Seeing Brandon had also made him question why Frank would keep Gerard from someone so special to him.
“You took your time, you missed Mikey, he called round not long after you left. Where did you take Felix?” Gerard glanced guiltily at Felix. He hoped the brief walk around the block before they walked through the door would tire the mutt out just enough to be even slightly convincing. But perhaps not.
“We got lost and I ran into...” he trailed off. Frank sighed.
“Brandon. I knew it, I could see this coming. Nothing else can fill this empty hole in your life apart from fucking Brandon!” Frank stepped back from Gerard. He heard a sharp intake of breath from Gerard, as though composing himself to toss an argument back, but he didn’t. “Look, let me put it in simple terms for you. Brandon is to me what Jake is to you. Okay?” Gerard stared at Frank, stunned.
“How DARE you compare what Jake put me through to your practically non-existent contact with Brandon. But do you know what Frank, don’t worry about it. Luckily for you, keeping us apart has resulted in this mess of a friendship. We aren’t friends anymore. We don’t share anything. Together we’re nothing,” Gerard turned away, tears threatening. 30 seconds passed before either spoke, but it felt like a lifetime.
“This can’t go on,” Frank was barely whispering, “Gerard we can’t carry on like this, pretending it’s working. I don’t make you happy, I can’t. You’re always looking for something extra, something more.” He stroked the back of Gerard’s hair and smiled softly, “You deserve someone who completes you,”
Gerard swallowed. “Are you going off with Jake...again?”
“No!” Frank snapped. Immediately his tone softened, “No, of course I’m not. I think we both need some time to decide what we want,” Gerard could hear the frown in his voice. Did he want this? He was so used to Frank always being there for him and putting up with all his crap. But was Frank right? Was all of his crap caused by them dragging out what used to be? Frank stopped stroking his hair and came and stood next to Gerard. He took hold of his lover’s hand and squeezed it. So it was decided.

***********
That’s the strange thing about love. It can seem so temperamental, yet once it has created a flame, it will never go out. Not completely. Although Frank and Gerard had known for a while things hadn’t been right, they hadn’t been as they had once known, their flame was still burning a dim, dull flicker. This break gave them time to decide whether to rekindle this slowly dying flame, or whether to find something new. Regardless of what happened, they would always be there. After ten days, or ten years, no matter how long this break was, they both knew deep down that they had each other’s backs.

As Gerard left for his brother’s early the morning after, Frank turned back to face the now emptier hall of their apartment. It was weird to watch Gerard go, remembering all the dumb promises they had made to each other soon after they’d met. It felt right though. Things weren’t the same as they were six years ago. Frank had been through countless numbers of jobs and positions, whereas Gerard had always stuck with his comics. The small differences that didn’t seem to matter during their overwhelming lust now seemed obvious, like huge concrete boulders, blocking their path. Their lives didn’t slot together.

After he left what was now Frank’s apartment, Gerard felt shaky. If Frank thought a break would benefit them, then by god it would benefit them. Frank was always right. Who was going to guide Gerard through everyday life now? Mikey was always busy, coming and leaving the country as he pleased. In some ways Gerard yearned for a job which would open his eyes to what this planet had to offer, but somehow, Gerard could open his own eyes without leaving his desk. And that suited him.

Mikey went out of his way to make Gerard feel at home that evening, they vegged out on takeout pizza and classic horror movies. The setting drew Gerard’s mind back to the other evening, with Frank. As he wondered whether Frank was thinking about him, the younger man was getting ready to catch up with a very old friend. Frank was seeing Jake for the first time in five years.