The Only One For Me

There was a definition for everything in this world or a way to describe someone or something in some way. That was true whether you were a tiny, speck of dust or something as big and wide as the moon itself.
But the one thing that took up the most time and space to think up was one thing: Teenagers.
Oh, and also love, of course.
That might take even longer, actually.
I considered myself a smart person, so I liked to come up with my own definitions for things instead of depending on the opinions of the others around me.
Like for instance, would you rather have rock music described as a nuisance and a horrible thing that should’ve never been created in the first place by some old hag or would you rather it be described as a loud and awesome type of art that was created to make you jump out of your seats and dance along no matter how bad you might be at it?
Obviously the second option, right?
Exactly.
So, you see my point then, don’t you?
The hardest thing I’ve ever had trouble making sense of were: guys. Not exactly men or little boys, but just guys in general.
What they’re all about. How they act. And think. You know, basically everything every other girl in this world wonder about.
I’ve had quiet a difficult experience with them since the very beginning and it was even harder for me to understand them at this age.

“Danielle, you better not be on that computer writing right now!” mom shouted up to me.

I groaned. How was it really possible for her to know exactly what I was doing right now and still be able to warn me about it at the same time?

I stopped my typing and looked over the words I had typed so far. The words sounded good and neat. There weren’t any spelling or grammar issues showing, so I sighed and saved my work, before shutting the whole computer down entirely.

I trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen where my mom was present making one of her famous stews out of an old family recipe. And by famous, I really do mean famous. These weird named recipes of hers and her families were really popular around the neighborhood. In both a good and bad way.

I really didn’t feel getting into though, since it would just take way to long to explain anyway.

“Yeah, what is it, mom?” I asked her. “What do you need so badly from me now?”

”You remember your great aunt Alice, don’t you?” she replied.

“Yeaaah.” I said, slowly dragging out the word. “What about her?”

“Well, she just recently called me asking if you’d like to move in with her in California for a few years.”

I stopped and started to think over what mom had just suggested to me.

My great aunt apparently just called. Someone who I haven’t heard from in like over six years. She’s currently living in California now and she wants me to come over just like that out of nowhere and go live with her?!

Like, what the hell was this some type of joke or something?!

I started to giggle then, which soon turned into a louder laugh.

“What’s so funny about that?” mom asked, turning around.

“What’s not?” I retorted back.

”I don’t have the blazes (mom always pretended she was British, so she sometimes used stupid words that they used like for instance, 'blazes'. Don't ask me why, but she just does.) what you’re talking about, but what I do need from you is an answer. Will you or will you not go to California this year?”

My laughter stopped short then.

“Wait, you’re serious?”

”Yes.”

”But, you can’t be!” I shouted out.

“And why not? Your aunt has not seen you for so long and she’s worried about you.”

I stopped again then and realized something.

“Worried? You…you told her, didn’t you?!”

“Well…” she trailed off.

I was now close to the verge of exploding.

You have ever that moment when something happens to you or someone close and you just HAVE to blurt it out to someone, or else you feel like you’re going to die if you don’t, but you have to be careful of who you tell your secret to, because if it’s the wrong person, it can come back to bite you in the back and then in the end. So, you think, 'Oh, why don't I confide it in my mom? I mean, she's gotta know how handle a situation like this, right?' But then she just totally goes and tells one of her close friends or relatives, saying that she was just in need of advice and didn’t mean to actually tell her?

Well, I was having that moment right now.

The secret that I had entrusted with my mom wasn’t really something that happened to a friend of mine, but actually what had just happened to me recently. And there she just goes and blabs it over to some aunt who probably doesn’t even give a s*** about me let alone even remember my name anymore.

“I’m sorry, honey, but it just slipped from my mouth. It was an accident, I swear!” she insisted. “And besides, why is it such a bad thing if she knows? She is your auntie after all. And we both think that it would be a good thing for you to move there and start your life afresh in California.”

I didn’t say anything and just shifted my weight from leg to leg with my arms crossed over my chest, while trying to think it over.

It was a good idea, I mean; California was one of my favorite places in the world, but what about school? I needed an education, didn’t I?

“What about high school? It’s the middle of the semester, what am I supposed to do about school?”

”Oh, don’t you worry about any of that. Your aunt says that there’s a beautiful little boarding school there that you’ll just absolutely love!”

“Wait, boarding school? That’s why you’re sending me there?!” I exploded out then. “Because you’re tired of me? So what, just because I cry a lot more than usual these days and one little incident ended me up in the hospital, you decide you’re done with me and you’re just gonna ship me away, so I won’t be of a bother to you anymore?!”

“Honey, that’s not it, you know that your father and I love you very much, but…” she hesitated.

“But what?” I looked her straight in the eyes.

I watched as mom struggled to find the right words to explain to me. I knew she couldn’t though, because I already understood what she meant by what she had said earlier and she knew that I knew too.

“It’s just…things are really hard for your father and I these days. And with Esmeralda’s birth just a few months ago, you know it’s gonna be hard for us to take care of you. You’re fifteen years old and she’s only five months old, you can take care of yourself, and you know she can’t!”

I nodded along to what she was saying. I understood that. I understood it all, but one thing that I didn’t was: Why? Why was mom doing this to me? Sending me away like this just because one little problem? Why was she being so damn cruel to me?

She just said so herself, I’m only frickin’ fifteen! How the hell does a fifteen year old girl live by herself? That’s not possible, not possible at all!

“Fine.” I finally muttered.

”So, you’ll do it? You’ll go?!” mom exclaimed.

”Yeah, I will.”

“Oh honey, you don’t know how happy you’ll be there. You'll absolutely love it! I promise you.” she told me.

But, I knew what she really meant was: You don’t know how happy we’ll be without you here.

Because that just made a lot more sense to me than the little lie she just told me.

“Fine.” I repeated.

I walked away, feeling angrier than I’ve ever been in my whole life. But, as soon as I reached my room, tears started pouring down from my cheeks.

I couldn’t believe it, I just couldn’t. Just because of one mistake, one little slip-up and even now my parents were rejecting me just as my friends, my teachers, and my whole life had done.

What was I supposed to do?! I was only fourteen then, even younger and dumber than I am now.

It was all such a big mess and I was so…

Sigh!

Just forget about it, Dani, what’s done is done. I reminded myself. There’s nothing you can do about it anyway, but just move on and hope for the best.