Cracks in Anchors

“You know what you should do Harry?” Louis’s voice boomed through the bathroom door as the shower was turned off and I heard the metal click of the glass door.

“No, what should I do mate?” I dropped a Manchester United shirt to the floor and grabbed the white button up I was forced to wear to work when the godly day of “leisure clothes” was over. I even heard, through the teaching grapevine, that near the end of the year a whole week was dedicated to dressing like you just woke up, which was sometimes the case for me. I slung my arms through the material and began buttoning from the top down as Louis’s answer came muffled through the door.

“Fieldtrip.” I chuckled to myself, finished buttoning my shirt and walked over to the closet where my ties hung, “Fieldtrip with those kids? No thanks.” The door opened an I could feel the steam from the shower aftermath filling the bedroom.

“But you wouldn’t actually have to do any work, isn’t that a main goal for you?” I shook my head as I turned to look at the towel-draped Louis.

“You should go see some French film. I saw online that a new one came out and it’s in the cinema at the mall too.” He bent forward as he rummaged through his drawer looking for something to wear.

“What’s it called?”

“I don’t bloody remember, just look for the only French film at the cinema,” Came his reply as I finished placing the tie around my neck, running my hands through my hair before I left.

“I’ll have to get it approved by the principal. I gotta go anyway, see you later Lou.” I grabbed my suitcase and grappled with my coffee as Louis waved and I attempted to wave back, which just made my coffee almost slip and spill all over my white shirt. Which would have made me late.

When I arrived at school I shoved a few papers into the filling cabinet and chugged the rest of my lukewarm coffee, which made me sick and it felt like I was going to throw up as all the kids piled in. But I managed to hold back the puke as kids began yapping and throwing pieces of paper at the nerd girl. And I don’t mean to be an asshole or some mean teacher, I just couldn’t help it that my mind was perpetually stuck in the high school faze and the nerds I spotted in my classroom reminded me all to well of the nerds in my school, which sometimes made me snicker if the nerd was especially nerdy.

“Homework, lads?” I tucked a hanging piece of my shirt into my pants(which I was forced to do by the school) and grabbed my homework-checking-book-thing, walking down the aisles and checking homework and seeing girls checking me out. Which I didn’t mind, not really, it made me feel better about myself I guess. Because I wasn’t always the confident Harry Styles that everyone new, god no. I was the awkward middle schooler who everyone hated, who everyone picked on and who everyone picked last for gym class. I didn’t sit with the “cool kids”, or anyone for that matter, at lunch and I didn’t get asked to middle school dances by my crush like all the other boys did. I didn’t get the girl, instead I did her homework(even though I sucked at that too), and I didn’t get to be talked about in the hallways; the only talking about me consisted of saying shit behind my back and calling me a faggot, which nobody knew what it meant at that age.

It wasn’t until Freshman year when people started to notice me; “when I got hotter” in Louis’s words. It wasn’t until then when I started to get made fun of less and got picked first for gym class and instead of sitting with the cool kids I became a cool kid. It wasn’t until then when I started getting asked to dances and dates, which half the time I turned down because I was too full of myself back then - I guess the “fame” changed me for the worse in high school. It wasn’t until then when I started getting my homework done by the new nerd who took my place and when I was talked about constantly, all things good and about how hot I looked or my good grades or my good play at soccer practice.

But that all went downhill when I met Jolene freshman year of college. I fell hard for a dimwitted blonde like everyone always said I would and fell headfirst into love and commitment. Maybe I hit my head on the way down and that’s what fucked everything up. I moved in with Jolene sophomore year of college and learned how to change from college Harry to Jolene Harry and the new responsibilities of living on my own. I started talking about having kids halfway through junior year of college and two weeks later Jolene was pregnant. In the beginning of senior year, after I only had one degree before I became a licensed teacher, Jolene lost the baby and I remember it like it was yesterday.

We had everything planned out; the room color, the toys, the music and even the names. We bought him or her clothes and bottles and those baby swing things that made them stop crying. We had a sticker on our car that said “baby on board!” which was the stupidest thing I ever thought of as I think about it years later. We had told everyone who we thought should have known about our child coming into this world in a few months. We planned on having a baby shower for Jolene and even booked some restaurant venue that I don’t remember anymore. The thing I remember the most, though, and still will even when I move on and my mind gets hazy, is when I would catch Jolene sleeping - or “resting her eyes” as she always told me - and sit down next to her and place my hands on her protruding stomach. I would spread my fingers out and wonder if I was enveloping my child in my palms, who I hoped was a little girl that I could protect from bullies and boys and viscous high school bitches. I would sit there just staring until I placed my ear to her skin and closed my eyes and tried my hardest to hear anything. Maybe I thought I could hear the babies heartbeat or some sort of a cry, but it was always empty and sometimes I wondered if there was even a baby in there. Which would become ironic in the beginning of Senior year.

I was coming home with a paper due the next day and Jolene was somewhere upstairs but I didn’t care because I had to get this paper done. So I sat down at the kitchen table, spread my papers and notes and books across the table, and began scribbling out a rough draft. I don’t really remember how much time passed between when I sat down and when I stood up, but god knows I’ll never forget what came after I stood. Jolene’s heavy footsteps pounded towards me and I heard a strangled scream come from her mouth. I grabbed her and asked her what was wrong and when her teary eyes drifted downwards I saw the blood that ruined the bottom of her dress and dripped down her inner thigh.

Two hours later I got the worst news I’ve ever gotten in my life; my baby was gone. I would never get to see her face, which the doctor told me the gender with her hands around my own, I would never get to see her smile or if her eyes were mine or Jolene’s. I don’t remember much after that, either, all I know is that I collapsed into the doctor and I drove home that night with the unborn daughter on my mind and Jolene still in the hospital. Maybe that was when I started falling out of love with her; when my heart couldn’t handle anything anymore and when every time I saw her I was reminded of the little girl I would never get to see.

“I was wondering if I could take the kids to see a new French film tomorrow at the cinema in the mall?” I played with my Knicks lanyard as the principal typed on his computer.

“Let me just look up what movie it is.” I started out the frozen-over window as the tapping of keys filled my ears and I got to the point where I was ready to toss the fucking thing out the window. But he spoke before I could do that, thank god.

“Yes, it seems appropriate Harry, so I’ll set it up with a bus driver tomorrow who can bring you. All classes, right?” I shook my head because I didn’t want to deal with a bunch of teenagers running wild through a cinema, I just wanted to bring the “better” class, which I used as an excuse just so I could see Sullivan again outside of the classroom.

“Just period seven, actually. They’re the best behaved and will understand what’s going on, sir.” He shook his head.

“That’s fine, have fun Harry.”

I shook his hand with a smile as I got in my car, turned up the radio to an increasing volume and rolled down the windows. I let my right hand cut through the wind and sighed, smiling to myself for no apparent reason.



“We’re going on a fieldtrip today, fun right?”

But all I got in response was groans and murmurs about how lame it was going to be or how no one really liked French food anyway.

“No we aren’t going to a restaurant, we’re going to see a film that came out a few days ago. It’s playing at the cinema in the mall so that’s where we are going.”

This earned yelps of approval as kids stood from the seats and were already shoving to get to the bus. “Come down animals, we’re not going to miss it.” I shoved through the crowd first and ushered the kids out, locking the door behind me as Sullivan slipped through. I tossed my keys back in my slack pocket before following next to Sullivan, who looked down at her feet as walked.

“You should look up when you walk, you might bump into someone.” It was like she was surprised by my presence, for she snapped her head up and her eyes were wide and hair clung to the ends of her mouth. “Oh, sorry I didn’t know you were there.” I smiled and let Sullivan head onto the yellow bus first.

“It’s okay, do you like films?” She sat down in one of the first row of seats and against my better judgment, with the rumors still raging in the back of my mind, I sat down beside her and glanced at the kids fucking around in the back.

“Behave or I’ll turn this bus around, c'est bon?”

A wave of “oui’s” pushed towards the front of the bus and I nodded my head before turning back to look at Sullivan. But she already had her ipod earphones in and was scrolling through a list of songs, forgetting my previous question. But I let it slide because at least I got to stare at her profile without anyway asking why. Because I couldn’t give them an answer.

When we arrived at the cinema the kids were already anxious and asking what it was about, and when I refused to answer questions asked in English all the boys rolled their eyes and the girls pouted “cutely,” or what they thought I would think was cute, which I did not. I ushered them into the cinema after I bought the sixteen - including myself - tickets and let them buy whatever junk food they had enough money to buy. I sat them in the order I wanted them too and purposely left one open seat for myself next to Sullivan. I plopped down and took a handful of someone’s’ popcorn and told them to “shut up” because the movie was about to start. And, oh, that they had a worksheet I would make them do after the movie.

As the movie dragged on I didn’t pay attention and instead watched Sullivan’s dark eyes roam the screen and her hands grasp at greasy popcorn and her lips press together when something interesting happened. I found myself drawn to her more than the movie, which sounded like it was good due to the quietness of the other students, and her aurora. And then a hot feeling pooled at the bottom of my stomach and it felt like my hand would fall off if I didn’t reach out and push a strand of her dark hair from her cheek. So, being the impulsive boy I was, I stuck out my hand and touched her hair and slid it behind her ear and watched as a muscle in her jaw tensed. And when no one was looking, when the kids were itching in anticipation, I leaned my head closer to hers and let my lips flutter against the muscle that tensed again under my hot lips.