Cracks in Anchors

je pense que je t'aime

“Je pense que je t'aime.”

I didn’t mean to connect eyes with Sullivan; I didn’t mean to utter those words and have her understand I wasn’t just saying that for the sake of teaching, I was saying it for her. I was saying it and meaning it and wishing I could tear my eyes away and stop watching as minuscule puddles floated in the basin of her eyelids. And I know it sounds cliché and stupid that I was already saying I lover her but I couldn’t help that it was true. Because I like to think it’s possible to fall in love so quickly; at one moment you’re out of love and when you blink and open your eyes all you can feel and taste is love. It doesn’t mean your irrational or stupid or in young-love, it just means the pull you had towards one another was so great that you didn’t have to think twice, you didn’t have to worry and test the waters and see if you were really meant to fit together.

I also didn’t mean to have her arm pressed against mine as we skipped lunch, shading ourselves behind the school and leaning against the railing that led to the parking lot. I didn’t mean for her to be silent, smoke filtering out her nostrils and silent coughs echoing out of my throat.

“I think I love you too…”

It was the first we’d spoken since that fateful phone call.

“But you're the teacher, the responsible adult, Harry,” She dropped her cigarette to the ground but didn’t look up at me, her fingers intertwining themselves in the frayed strands of her cardigan.

“That’s never stopped me before.” I let it all out, let it slip from my lungs and down my chin, let an awkward laugh force itself out of my chest and into the open as I wished I took up smoking too.

Wished I had something to calm my nerves and stop my labored breathing and vice my heart.

I could hear the smile that ghosted her ashen lips and listened to the way her hands ran over the cold metal of the railing.

“You’re very persistent, Harry.” And I didn’t expect her to lean up and press her hands against my chest and force her lips against mine, her forehead leaning on mine as she pulled away. I didn’t expect to feel so empty when she pulled away; a certain warmth sucked from my tissue and being left with a cold ache making its way into my heart.

“Do you wanna skip the rest of the day? I’ll just say I’m going home early.”

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“Oh, hi. It’s nice to meet you..” he hesitated at her name and I mentally cursed him out, conveying with my eyes that, please, at least remember something I’ve told you. “Sullivan,” he finally popped out, holding her hand in his as he glanced back at me.

“You must be Louis, right?”

For some reason it made my body hot when she said that; remembering something I’d told her quickly and without importance, and it made me feel that maybe she cared more about me than I thought.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

Louis laughed at his own corny joke, Sullivan out of pity or humor(probably humor because, God, did Sullivan have a quirky sense of humor), and I laughed because everyone else did and I never liked to be left out.

“So are you guys like..” Louis wiggled his finger between the space between our interlocked hands, his eyebrows raising and disappearing under his bangs.

“I guess so, yeah.” I looked at Sullivan for confirmation because when it came down to it, I really didn’t know. I didn’t know what we were or what would happen or where we were supposed to go. We were in the space between dating and maybe dating, not really sure where we were supposed to be on the road of destiny.

But Louis accepted the answer and turned to enter the kitchen, opening random drawers only to close them again with a sigh.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Niall, please, at least remember to lock the door before we leave, Jesus.” It was Liam’s telltale voice, his words crashing into my ear as the door creaked open and six pairs of footsteps reverberate against the walls.

“Oh shit, uh, hi.” Zayn was the first to notice the out of place girl, grabbing Niall from where he stood behind him, rubbing at the back of his neck and shooting her a half-smile; like he wasn’t really sure why she was here or who she was or if he should be civil to her or not.

“Oh, lads, this is…well, y’know..” I felt awkward in admitting that I’d spoken to the boys about Sullivan - felt like I had broken some unspoken bond and opened everything to disaster.

“Sullivan, you know, the one Harry won’t shut the fuck up about.”

I glared metaphorical daggers at him while at the same I felt the hand pressed in mine shift. Then I looked back at Louis, hating how he could have just made the girl I can’t shut the fuck up about uncomfortable and awkward.
“You should actually just shut the fuck up, Louis.”

I think everyone, especially the three other boys swaying by the doorway, could tell the bicker storm that was about to erupt between Louis and I so instead Liam broke the thunder with a chuckle, walking closer to where I stood.

“How ‘bout you both shut the fuck up, okay?” The smile he casted our way was underlined with a warning but the smile he sent Sullivan was genuine and warm - the Liam everyone liked best.

“Ah, sorry about them Sullivan, they’re best mates but get on each other nerves constantly.” Zayn pulled Niall closer to where everyone had congealed; two feet away from the threshold of the kitchen and just slightly out of eyesight from the TV.

“Oh, it’s okay, me and my friend are like that too, sometimes.” She smiled and I swore my world stopped; the light in my eyes drained and my vocal chords froze and all I could do was stare at her like she was a gift from Jesus Christ himself. Which, as I thought about it, wouldn’t have been that far off.

“A friend from school?” Liam was the only one who seemed to be trying to make conversation - who seemed like he actually was curious about her. But then again, Liam was probably just looking out for me like he always was(and still is). Zayn was standing stoic where he was before, Niall was beside him, his right shoulder pressing into Zayn’s left, and Louis was somewhere making no noise.

“No, she’s older. Goes to college.”

“Oh yeah? That’s cool.”

And then something hit me in the back of the head and when I turned around Louis was looking at me with a smirk and Zayn and Niall were laughing quietly to themselves.

“Let’s eat, I’m hungry.”
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FINALLY FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK. I AM SO SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG I AM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF. YOU CAN ALL BEAT ME UP I GIVE YOU PERMISSION.