Without You, There is No Me

I skip school the next day; I already have to go to group therapy so what’s the point? I sigh to myself because I’m slipping into this scary place I was in a while back. I have no energy for school I feel physically drained. I don’t want to face everyone today for some reason.

My side still hurts and I tell my mom that I just need a day to recharge and that’s what the pain was. She agrees to let me stay home and sleep. She’s easily convinced now or she just lets me do whatever because she knows I want to die.

I don’t care though because within ten minutes after she leaves I slip into a peaceful slumber.

~

I wake up two hours later and make breakfast. I watched four hours of people cheating on their spouses and not knowing if their child is their husbands or not. How pathetic.

My mom walks in the door soon after the fourth episode and greets me. She’s on her lunch break and brought me my favorite thing to eat, a fresh whole grain bagel, with strawberry cream cheese and an iced green tea.

I smiled the entire time I ate it. My mom watched and smiled, happy because I was eating normally again. I burped out loud and we both started laughing. It felt nice to laugh with my mom again even over something as stupid as burping.

She leaves half an hour later and promises to be back at five p.m. sharp. I tell her its fine and kiss her on the cheek. She’s going to have a heart attack because of me, always worrying if I had started hurting myself again, worrying if I was going to acquire another type of cancer, just so much worrying.

She makes good on her promise and comes home at exactly five o’clock and changes then takes me to group therapy. I start getting a headache in the car and take some painkillers. She looks scared for me, but I reassure her that I am ok. I lean over and hug her before I leave and she is obviously hesitant to let go.

~

He isn’t there yet, but I’m a bit early. I wave to people who wave at me, and despite coming to this every week I still don’t know their names.

It’s like when you say a word over and over and you just kind of forget what the word is and what it means. I just wave back and act like I know them.

He comes in ten minutes later and sits by me again. Except this time he smiles at me. I smile back a little later than I expected because I’ll admit I stared for a bit.

“How are you today?” he asks.

“Um, good, I’m just a bit tired today.” I nod. “How are you?”

“I’m decent.” He says and looks away.

“Is it natural?” he asks me suddenly.

“Is what natural?” I ask.

“Your hair, is it natural? It seems a bit too dark to be natural.” He said while tucking a charcoal curl behind my hair.

“Yeah it’s natural. My dad’s side of the family has really dark hair so,” I trailed off. He just nods again.

The group session starts shortly after. I choose to pass this week because nothing eventful has happened. The group counselor (I can’t remember his name to save my life) just shakes his head. I chose to ignore it. The tan boy raises his hand slightly.

“Vic, 17, and this week has been better. My dad got me a new guitar and we played together a lot this week.”

“That’s great Vic!” the counselor said. I smiled at his story, but I started to feel light headed. I went to get some water, thinking maybe I was dehydrated. I sat back down feeling worse.

The pain in my side started up and it was becoming unbearable. I grabbed my side and put my head in my lap.

“Cat, are you alright?” the counselor said while kneeling right by me. I nodded and tried to sit up, but things were going black. I heard the tanner boy yell my name as I fell off the chair and onto the floor. Then everything was completely and utterly silent.
~