Maybe I Will

I kissed back softly, letting his lips take me off to Cloud Nine for an extended, much needed vacation. No kiss I had ever had felt like this before. Never mind fireworks, atomic bombs were currently going off in my head, pounding in my ears. Although, at the same time, I felt bliss, like there was no longer a weight of the unknown on my shoulders. I knew that Dan was in love with me, and the feeling was mutual. When we separated, Dan placed his forehead to mine for a moment, although his happy, peaceful look soon turned to one that filled his deep brown eyes with worry. He quickly let me go, and began to walk away from me.

"I'm so sorry," he said, his voice going thick and his eyes glistening. "I know there's no way on this planet you could feel the same way. I'll just-"

"Stay," I interrupted. "You can stay."

He furrowed his brow at me, causing me to shut the door to my bedroom and wrap my arms around his neck, going on my toes and pulling him down to me. I pressed my lips to his once more, engulfing the two of us in bliss. We pulled apart after a two minute steady kiss, at least. Our foreheads were pressed together, our noses just touching.

"I'll stay if you want me to," he said, his English accent sounding chivalrous when he said that. "Let me go tell Phil."

I went with him out to the kitchen, and Phil and Joey were no longer there. In their place was a note, scrawled on my Totoro notebook paper. The note read:

Dear Lovebirds,

We saw you two kissing. We'll leave you alone.

-Joey & Phil

I felt my face flush, and heard Dan chuckling to himself. I looked up to him, raising an eyebrow. I crumpled up the note and tossed it into my garbage bin. Dan looked to his phone, and sighed.

"I- should probably go, then," he said to me, as I felt my heart sink to my toes.

"I guess, Phil might be angry," I said.

I got up onto my toes and wrapped my arms around his neck, taking in his scent as I held him close. He pulled our heads apart and kissed me on the forehead.

"I want to go on an actual date, Hannah," he said, his cheeks growing slightly rosy.

"You do?" I said, smiling like the fool I was.

"Yeah, if you'd like that, I guess," he said as we pulled apart.

"Definitely," I said, fiddling with my fingers. "Does tomorrow sound good?"

"Great," he said, grinning at me. "I'll pick you up at seven?"

I nodded and agreed. Dan waved me off quickly before hugging me one last time and soon sauntering out the door. I sighed once he left, and felt about thirty thousand different emotions churning up inside of me. Pure ecstasy, of course, because of the fact that I had finally realized what real love felt like. I was also angry with myself, for completely forgetting my one rule that I had made. Don't fall for him. And, what did I do? I fell for him. I mentally punched myself across the face. I also had a guilty pit forming in my stomach, as though I was betraying someone. Matthew. I was betraying him. Sure, he was an abusive bastard, but something made me feel extremely promiscuous for kissing Dan. I felt like a... a slut for kissing him. Matthew wouldn't approve.

But, what was I saying? I couldn't still actually care for what he thinks, could I? I sat down on the floor, running my fingers through my hair. I thought. I was going crazy. Pure schizophrenia, that was it. I would take medication, go somewhere alone. No, that was impossible. I could control my thoughts. I was no psychopath. I felt sad for doing this to myself, too. I was going to drive myself insane by doing this. I looked down at my wrists, teardrops falling down on them in the process. The scars were there, a faded white color. And, I knew they would always be there. What would I ever tell my kids? Mommy was weak, and she cut her wrists with a razor? They would never trust me again. Nobody would ever like me. This entire thing had to be a joke. Dan would never love me. He was just having a laugh. Everyone must think I'm some kind of a freak. I don't belong here. I should just go the extra mile. Kill myself.