Daisy.

I looked down at the crinkly yellow lined paper with neat block numbers and his name underneath, turning onto my back. It was safe to say that I hadn’t seen him in a couple of days, but that was mostly because I tried to stay inside so I wouldn’t run into him. It seemed like everywhere I went, he was there. It was probably a coincidence, but still.

He told me to call if I needed anything—which pretty basically meant if I felt like offing myself again. I scowled at the paper, squinting at his handwriting.

It wasn’t like I didn’t like him. He was nice and kind of cute, even, and he didn’t seem like a bad guy. He had a house, a car, a job, was going to school—just your average kind of guy, I guess. I just didn’t like how easily he saw through me and the fact that he unraveled me so quickly, and I was pretty sure he wasn’t even trying to.

He was going to fix me.

I laughed cheaply, turning the paper over even though I knew there was nothing else on it.

What did that even mean? What was he going to fix? Did he really think it was that easy? Did he even know what he was getting himself into?

I gnawed on my lip. Even if I did think it was kind of stupid, I did appreciate the gesture to some degree, because he was trying to help me. Even if I really couldn’t be helped, he was still trying and thought he could do something, which meant that maybe I wasn’t really a lost cause. Maybe.

I picked up my phone, looking back and forth at it and the slip of paper in my hand. To call or not to call? That was the question. He probably forgot all about me and it’d be really awkward and I’d look clingy and weird. But what if he really did want me to call? What if he just wanted to talk? What would I even say? What if? What if? What if?

My fingers dialed the number shakily, and even though I was sorely tempted to tap the end button, I didn’t. Instead, I sat up, putting the phone to my ear. In, out, in, out, in, out. I’m okay. This is okay. People call each other all the time. This is okay. It’s normal and I’m normal and I’m doing a normal thing.

I had been so busy working up the courage to call him that I hadn’t even thought about what I was going to say if he picked up. Most of our conversations up to that point revolved around me trying to keep it together, so I didn’t even know what a ’normal’ conversation with him would be like.

“Yeah?” he answered, laughing.

“Hi,” I blurted, chest tight as the air struggled to make it past my lips.

“Daisy?”

“Uh-huh,” I squeaked, pulling my knees to my chest, forcing the air in and out of my lungs.

“Is everything okay?” He sounded worried and I frowned. Maybe he only wanted me to call if there was an emergency. I must have been bothering him. He was in the middle of something, probably. Why did I call? I should hang up. He was busy. Why wasn’t I hanging up?

“Y-Yeah, I’m good, I’m just, um, I’m—” I stopped, hating how stupid I must have sounded. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You sound nervous.” I laughed anxiously, rubbing the back of my neck. “Don’t be,” he laughed. “Just, you know, relax.” I heard people in the background and bit my lip. I was obviously interrupting something. “You know what I think you need?”

“What?”

“You need to get out more. Maybe you wouldn’t be so tense if you just got out of your house more often.”

“I get out… sometimes.” I frowned a little. “I’m not tense,” I added lamely.

I’m just a wreck.

“With people, I mean.” I hummed in response, twisting some hair between my fingers. “And I mean, I’m kind of, you know, going to this thing tomorrow night, and maybe you know, if you’re not too busy, we could go together… maybe?”

“You wanna go with me?” I asked dubiously, confused and kind of excited.

“Not like a date—as friends—I mean, not that you can’t be my date or that I wouldn’t want you to be, ’cause I mean—it—I didn’t mean—it can be whatever you want it to be, Daisy.” He sighed. “And yes, I want you to come with me.”

“Um… okay, I guess. I’m not really busy. I can come,” I said quietly, twisting my hair around my fingers anxiously.

“Really?” He sounded surprised. “I’ll call you later, then?”

“Yeah, see you later.”

“Bye, Daisy.”

I hung up and laid on my back, unable to stop the smile creeping onto my face. He wanted to go somewhere with me. Even if it wasn’t a date—or was it?—it was still something, and that was better than nothing. My only hope was that I didn’t manage to mess it up, which was something I had been getting better at as of late.

After a light, giddy dinner of half a chicken sandwich, pretzels, and some soft ice cream, I sat down for a nice round of movies.

I ended up falling asleep during “The City by the Sea.”

I woke up the next day around nine, groaning a little as I pressed the snooze button on the alarm before turning it off completely. I went to the bathroom, showered, and brushed my teeth. I was in such a good mood that I even had breakfast, a slice of wheat bread toast and egg whites and coffee with two sugars just because I could. I felt good, even okay.

It was going to be a good day.

Hopefully.

I could feel it.

I sat down and did some reading, but was too restless to keep it up for long. I did some yoga and meditated, and that killed some time too, but not enough. I didn’t want to call because he said he would and I didn’t want to seem clingy or anything, so I did my best to keep my mind off of it.

At one-thirty, I made myself lunch and checked my email, seeing that I had a message from the magazine editor’s secretary. She told me that they wanted me to go in on Tuesday morning at eleven to discuss my next trip. I wondered where I’d be going next as I munched on my celery. Hopefully, it was somewhere that wasn’t too far.

I flicked on the TV and settled on some crime drama, dipping some celery into the peanut butter jar as I watched a detective interrogate a suspect on the screen. My phone chimed and I gasped, almost knocking my plate over in surprise. I didn’t want to seem overly anxious or eager—even though I kind of was—so I let it ring twice before picking up, trying to sound casual without sounding dismissive.

“Hi Dash,” I greeted cheerfully.

“Hey.” I could have melted as I gnawed on my bottom lip. So much for keeping my composure, I thought as my face grew warm. “What are you up to?”

“Lunch,” I joked, trying to swallow quietly. “You?”

“I’m on my break at the library, actually. Lunch sounds pretty good right now,” he laughed. “I was just calling to see if we were still on for tonight?”

“Yeah, definitely,” I said softly, feeling my cheek tint pink.

“Cool, cool. It’s nothing really fancy, so don’t, you know, think you have to dress up or whatever. It just a bunch of my friends and us, you know? They’re really cool, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”

“Uh… yeah, okay. What are we doing?” I asked.

“We’re gonna be going to the lake, so you might want to bring a bathing suit or something? If you want, I’ll pick you up, since, you know, it’s kind of far and it’s a little tricky to get to if you’ve never been to it.”

“Yeah, that sounds fine.”

“Awesome, I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“Thanks. Bye, Dash.”

“Bye, Peachy.”

I hung up, giggling girlishly as I tossed my phone on my pillow.

Peachy.

I started eating again, eying my closet.

What would I wear? And when was the last time I wore a bathing suit? Did I even have one that still fit? I grabbed a stick of celery, shuffling over to my dresser as I looked for something to wear. I fingered the odd shirt here and there, scowling as I flipped through them. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying too hard—which I wasn’t—or like I didn’t care—because I kind of did.

I mean, it was sort of a big deal to me, as silly as it may sound. It wasn’t like I hung out with people often to begin with, so hanging out with Dash—Dash, of all people—and his friends was going to be interesting. And, okay, I’ll admit it—I kind of wanted to impress him and make him think that I really wasn’t as delicate or fragile or unstable or whatever he thought I was. I wanted to be normal, at least for one night. Was that too much to ask?

I picked up an old black one-piece, holding it to my body in the mirror. Well, it looked okay and I’d be wearing clothes over it so it wasn’t like anybody would really see it. It would be dark outside anyway, so I had nothing to worry about. I pulled a floral jean romper out and inspected it, deciding that that would be okay too. Satisfied with myself, I sat back on my bed and finished my lunch.

It was barely—barely—two in the afternoon, and he wouldn’t be coming by until later in the evening, which meant I had some serious time on my hands. After I washed the dishes from my lunch, I decided I’d make some goodies to pass the time. By five thirty, I ended up with a good batch of sweets, cookies and brownies in a cute little pink container. I cleaned the kitchen and huffed, checking my watch. If I didn’t get going, I was going to be late.

I jumped into the shower around six, shaking with nervousness. It didn’t take me long to get ready, but he was going to be there around seven, which didn’t really give me much time. After a quick shower, I tried to do something with my hair, which didn’t really work out as well as I planned it to, so I just left it the way it was.

As I dressed, I told myself to relax and breathe. I was going to have a good night, try to make some new friends and maybe even convince him that I was fine and that he didn’t have to help me.

It wasn’t like he’d do much good anyway.

I was slipping into my sandals when the doorbell chimed. I fixed the strap, stood up straight and sighed, breathing deeply. I was okay. It was okay. It’d even be fun. Hopefully. I grabbed the box of still warm treats and grabbed my bag, making sure I had everything I needed. Glancing at myself in the mirror, I fixed the small clip in my hair, and then went to open the door.

“Hi.”

I could have melted, and maybe would have, because there he was, all… well, himself. And I was all, well, me, plain and boring and mildly uninteresting. The wind played with his hair a little, and I laughed, tucking mine behind my ear.

“H-Hey,” I stammered.

“Something smells good.” I held up the box sheepishly, rubbing the back of my neck.

“I didn’t want to show up empty handed, so I kind of just, you know, made these. Wanna try one?” I opened it up and he picked a brownie, taking a quick bite.

“Jesus, Daisy,” he laughed, smiling a little.

“Do you like them?” He nodded, finishing it as he licked his thumb. I blushed and shut the door behind me, locking it before I followed him out to his car.

“You clean up nice.” I blinked at him, wide-eyed, unsure if I should have been flattered or kind of insulted. “That’s a good thing. It means you look nice.”

“I, um… thanks, I guess? We, uh, we should probably… go.” We pulled out and headed towards the freeway, making small talk.

I was nervous, but it wasn’t the kind of paralyzing nervousness that tended to strike whenever he was around. It was better, kind of, because it was the kind that came with excitement and inklings of happiness and tiny butterflies attached. And the fact that Dash was there, all messy and cute and kind of really sort of pretty sweet didn’t help, but when he said my name and smiled at me like that, I couldn’t really say I even minded.

The lake wasn’t too far, but it was kind of tricky to get to. It was outside of the city, cozy and secluded and balmy, surrounded by trees and rocks and buzzing insects and birds. He parked near some other cars, where people were getting out, laughing loudly and waving to each other.

“Whaddaya think, Daisy?”

“It’s pretty,” I replied softly, playing with the container in my hands.

“Yeah?” He laughed. “Let’s go. Want to meet some of my friends?” I nodded shyly. He pushed some of my hair behind my ear. “Relax, okay? It’ll be fun.”

“Y-Yeah,” I huffed, feeling my skin heat up. I walked with him bashfully as he made his way up the pebbled path to the cabin overlooking the lake. He approached the cluster in front of it, all laughs and smiles. The group seemed like a lively bunch, all around his age and so unbelievably excited. I wondered what was going on.

“Look who finally showed up!” one of the girls exclaimed, her black hair loose over her shoulders as she wriggled her eyebrows at him. She practically knocked him over with a tight hug, smirking at him. “I haven’t seen you in forever! Where’ve you been, man?” She stood up straight, hands on her hips.

“Studying,” he said bashfully, laughing. “Have you—hey, where’d she—” He turned around and laughed some more, tugging me closer. My face flushed at the sudden contact, forcing myself to breathe and relax and not tense up. It was going to be okay. “Have you met Daisy?”

“Daisy, eh?” She peered at me with a quiet giggle. “I guess he hasn’t told you about me, huh?” She shook her head, sighing as she tutted at him. “I’m Marina, his better half.” She looped her arm with mine and he scoffed, rolling his eyes. “We’ll be leaving now.” Before I could even say anything, she whisked me away. I looked back at Dash and he wrinkled his nose at me playfully, holding up the beer in his hand. I blushed red.

I didn’t have much time to fawn over it though, because I was quickly being introduced to Marina’s friends. There they were, Yasmín with big green eyes and black hair, and Chloe with short brown hair and freckled cheeks, and Camilla with sandy blonde hair and pretty make up, and Phoebe with her thin brown eyes and braided black hair.

Questions came from left and right, so quickly that it almost made my head spin. But I guess they were just curious, and it wasn’t like they were mean or rude. In fact, they were quite the opposite, kind and sweet and funny even, accepting and open. They didn’t really have to be. I kind of crashed their party, but they still kind of were pretty cool, which was nice.

Eventually we all dispersed until it was just me and Phoebe and Marina, sitting near the bonfire with everyone else.

We made s’mores.

And ate.

And had drinks.

And played around.

And told stories.

And truth be told, I had fun.

For once.

At some point, someone decided that it might be a good idea if we went swimming, and why not? It was hot and we were young and bored and it was dark anyway, so who cared? There was a rope with a tire tied to the end of it, and a bunch of them ran off, racing to be the first ones to be the first ones to fling themselves into the cool water.

I trailed behind, standing on the edge of the cliff. I shimmied out of my clothes with a small smile when the excitement had died down, remembering the muggy summers I spent at my aunt’s house back home. I rocked back and forth on my heels lightly, glancing down at the people in the water, all splashes and drunken giggles and yelps and screams of excitement. I closed my eyes at the breeze and smiled, sighing.

“The water’s not too bad, you know,” Dash said lightly. I stood up suddenly, startled as I turned around to look at him. He leaned against the tree with a small smile.

“Oh,” I said shakily, taken off guard. How did I not notice him standing there?

“Aren’t you gonna get in?”

“I-I don’t know, I mean—um, I—” I stammered, unsure of myself. He pushed himself off the tree, walking closer to me.

“C’mon.”

“What are we gonna do?”

“Jump in,” he laughed, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I blanched, looking at him. “What?”

“We can’t just jump in,” I said, shaking my head at him. He started to pull his shirt off his head and I looked down, blushing furiously as I inspected the rocky dirt beneath my feet.

“Why not?”

“’Cause, um—I don’t—I mean, I don’t know,” I mumbled when he slipped his hand into mine. “It’s dangerous, maybe and I mean—”

“We’ll be fine.”

“I, I mean—” I stopped short, sighing. “I don’t know—”

“Trust me.”

If only it were that easy, I thought, biting my lip. I didn’t trust him—I didn’t trust anyone—but when he looked at me like that, like I was something maybe kind of really sort of special and like he kind of cared, it was hard not to just buckle and throw myself at his feet. I glanced at the water and at him, and then shrugged, shaking my head as I ran with him towards the water, yelling as we threw ourselves off the cliff, plunging into the freezing cold water.

You only live once, right?